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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Issue with teenage daughter AIBU

73 replies

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 16:45

I was out with my 15 year old daughter at the weekend and she wanted a special ice cream from a certain shop. We were outside the shop so I gave her the money and said: "Off you go". However, she then asked if I would go in with her as she wasn't sure what she wanted. I was a bit miffed and told her to grow up and go in on her own, but she wouldn't. I just walked away from her and she followed me, without the ice cream. She explained after that she feels a bit scared to do certain things when they are unfamiliar and then I felt very mean. I don't want to mollycoddle, so I push her to stand on her own two feet her but I do realise that not all teens are confident. Any advice for dealing with this?

OP posts:

AllFourOfThem · 08/10/2019 16:47

Just go in with her. I expect you ruined her treat by behaving like that.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 08/10/2019 16:49

Did you apologise once you'd realised you felt mean?

Next time I'd say 'Off you go' again, and if she asks you to go in with her say OK I'll come in but you have to do the talking.'

Can she get a Saturday shop/cafe job? That'll sort out her nerves and get her used to talking to people.

RedskyLastNight · 08/10/2019 16:51

Is she not used to doing things independently? I can see if she's never done things like buying from a shop or going out with an adult, that doe seem scary. If not, maybe she could start going shopping with friends sometimes - she's unlikely to show to them that she's nervous about going to the checkout on her own (or whatever) so she'll just get used to doing things!

Ringdonna · 08/10/2019 16:53

Bit b of a snowflake if she can’t go into a shop on her own at 15!

billy1966 · 08/10/2019 16:53

OP,
That is a little unusual.
Great that she has explained how she feels.
I would explore it further and make a list of the situations that she finds challenging.

I would actively seek out opportunities with her, support her and see the situation through with her.

Hopefully she will experience satisfaction that she was able to deal with these situations and they will increase her confidence.

Then, the next time she expresses nervousness, you can remind her of the situations she felt nervous about and subsequently dealt with effectively.

It's about debunking they myth she feels about things and increasing her confidence in herself.

Best of luck.

Original poster

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 16:54

I did apologise, and yes, she does go out with friends and shop etc, without me. But I do think she has a confidence issue and I'm not sure if the best way to deal with it is to continue to hold her hand or to tell her to get on with it? I came from the school of tough love, so sometimes I am a bit surprised as to how delicate they are

OP posts:

Original poster

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 16:55

billy1966 Thank you. That's really good advice.

OP posts:

LyraParry · 08/10/2019 16:57

We were outside the shop so I gave her the money and said: "Off you go"

Was there a reason you didn't go in with her? Surely the normal thing when out shopping together is to go in to shops together.

Tbh, I'd just leave her be. She's likely to be more nervous, rather than less, if she feels her shyness is in some way disappointing to you. Some teens just take longer to be able to deal with unfamiliar situations - and at 15 there's no need to force the issue.

mbosnz · 08/10/2019 16:57

I had a niece who was older than your daughter, and who was not prepared to go up to the counter and buy things herself. We started off by insisting she came with us, then she bought stuff with us there, then ultimately she was able to do it with us back aways from the counter, and finally without us in the shop.

She'd also never made her bed from scratch before, lol.

I really do think it's so important to get them feeling confident doing these things, but sometimes it's needing to be done in baby steps.

GinDaddy · 08/10/2019 16:57

@Ringdonna

With attitudes like yours, it's no wonder we have Government sponsored mental health programmes blasted at us everday

"Snowflake" - really?

The OP's daughter is not a snowflake or anything else derogatory - she sounds like someone who needs a bit of a helping hand with things and credit to the OP for her post and seeking other perspectives

eenymeenyminyme · 08/10/2019 16:59

My DD is 15. She'll get the bus into town on her own to meet friends, shop on her own, etc no problem. Then sometimes she'll get nervous about doing something and ask me to help which I will 'this time' meaning 'watch and learn kiddo, it's your turn next time but I'll be behind you if you need me'. I dont consider that mollycoddling, just a bit of reassurance and guidance while she's finding her way.

I think you were mean not to at least compromise in some way with her.

lyralalala · 08/10/2019 17:02

Keep talking to her. The fact she opened up and explained how she felt to you is a really good thing.

If it happens again give her the money and then ask her if she wants you to come in, that way when she does have the confidence to say no thanks it's her choice.

Sometimes things are more complicated than they seemed. My DD lost confidence for a while with shops when she got shouted at by a cashier and a manager for saying they'd given her the wrong change (they gave her change fro £10 instead of £20). So for a while she much preferred to have someone with her so that she wasn't alone facing two people.

I used to hate going into a certain shop alone when I was a teen because someone who was a school bully worked there and you never knew what she'd be like.

Talk to her, don't rubbish her fears, and help her build her confidence.

AllStarBySmashMouth · 08/10/2019 17:08

So she's a socially anxious teenager and you told her to grow up. That's not helpful at all.

I know you don't want to mollycoddle, but she was making it clear she felt uncomfortable and you made it worse. Please don't do that in the future.

It took years for me to overcome the very same problem, and even now if I'm having a bad day with my anxiety I have to ask someone else to do these things with me.

Sorry OP, I sound harsh, I just wanted to make sure you understood how she feels

NuttyNutty · 08/10/2019 17:10

Reminds me of how my mother taught me to cook at about this age - gave me a raw chicken and other ingredients and left, just answered my questions from another room. Unsurprisingly, I forgot to put the salt in an the result was that I was put off cooking for years...
Some kids need more encouragement than others, especially in a new place/activity. Everything seems intimidating until you try it. You could just stand next to her for the first time and have her go in herself next time...

AllStarBySmashMouth · 08/10/2019 17:10

@Ringdonna terrible attitude, and you can take that ridiculous Piers Morgan word and put it straight in the bin.

Pipandmum · 08/10/2019 17:10

My daughter has some social anxiety. But she can take the bus and do some shopping on her own (from 13), in fact sometimes prefers it. But there was an time in McDonalds with friends when she just couldn’t go and order her food. So one of them went with her and ‘coached’ her. She told me about it and I asked her why she found it difficult. She didn’t know but she was able to order next time she was out. I had told her there was no reason to be scared or shy and she needed to push herself even if she felt uncomfortable. My sister, who is a psychiatrist always comments on it but as I was shy I’m a bit more relaxed - she’s a strong character in herself and just needs time.
Maybe your daughter was feeling particularly vulnerable (who knows why). Encourage and support. Do not tease and demand.

moolady1977 · 08/10/2019 17:11

My 17 year old dd can go out with friends shopping and the like but get her out with me and she turns into a little girl the nerves take over and I get "mum you do it /say it". It even happens with going to the doctors, hospital, dentist

riotlady · 08/10/2019 17:12

Bit mean to walk off when she’s just asked you to do something with her, even if you didn’t know she was nervous

I think if she feels anxious about things you’re better off building up slowly and holding her hand a little. “Tough love” will only make her worry about your reaction as well as the situation. You can’t bully someone into confidence.

stucknoue · 08/10/2019 17:17

Unless she has sn she should be able to do such things but it depends on how much freedom you have given her thus far. For instance even quite young, 10 or so I would give my kids £10 in the food court (I expected change) and they would queue up at the stand they fancied. We also did festivals and from about 12 they had a daily allowance to buy food (one year one of mine sneaked the camping stove into the packing along with a pan and loads of noodles and pocketed most of her allowance, for ingenuity a*!). It's about building freedoms. My eldest has really bad anxiety so I know it's not easy but it's possible

seaweedandmarchingbands · 08/10/2019 17:18

I would quite quickly lose patience with this.

AllStarBySmashMouth · 08/10/2019 17:20

What @stucknoue says is true, but I think it's important to note that some anxieties like this don't really occur until they hit their teens and they become more conscious of the world. I was sent to the shops all the time as a child, then hit my teens and suddenly couldn't go to the counter anymore without freaking out.

I'm sure Stuck knows that though, just wanted to add my thoughts

kateandme · 08/10/2019 17:21

no your a BU she clearly isnt your average teen and has shared that with you by saying she struggles with it. at that point you should have been there for her.
you need to talk to her.go back to her and say you were thinking of what happened earlier and wanted to know whether everything is ok.does she think this is something bigger than she can manage at the moment or ust everyday nerves.and how can you help.
tough love can work.for some.and for some it can cripple them.if you have a sensitive child no amount of tough love will be helpful.and it will actually cause more home.sensitve or even suffering with anxiety is NEVER snowflake.
if id have told my mum that it would have taken loads of courage.and if she reacted like you i would have felt crushed and so bloody small.

FizzyIce · 08/10/2019 17:23

I suffer from anxiety and even at 36 I have to get my husband to come in with me to shops , I’m not proud of it but I also can’t help how I feel.
I’m better than I was so that’s something .
Make your daughter feel loved and safe and give her any support she needs.
Anxiety sucks ass

Ilovetolurk · 08/10/2019 17:26

I don't think this is necessarily significant. Asking for an ice cream in a specialist shop is not quite the same as picking up a few bits and taking them to the till in superdrug for example.

Maybe she just wasn't sure how to ask, how to get the right cone and how to then pay etc. so she want you with her to help navigate how the service in that particular shop worked.

I remember moaning to my DD who was a couple of years older than yours about self service tills and she said how much she liked them as she did not have to speak to anyone! I think it's a different generation now

kateandme · 08/10/2019 17:26

FizzyIce every day you do manage i think is extraordinarily brave

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