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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Issue with teenage daughter AIBU

73 replies

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 16:45

I was out with my 15 year old daughter at the weekend and she wanted a special ice cream from a certain shop. We were outside the shop so I gave her the money and said: "Off you go". However, she then asked if I would go in with her as she wasn't sure what she wanted. I was a bit miffed and told her to grow up and go in on her own, but she wouldn't. I just walked away from her and she followed me, without the ice cream. She explained after that she feels a bit scared to do certain things when they are unfamiliar and then I felt very mean. I don't want to mollycoddle, so I push her to stand on her own two feet her but I do realise that not all teens are confident. Any advice for dealing with this?

OP posts:
VolcanionSteamArtillery · 08/10/2019 17:27

You go Into the shop. She orders.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 08/10/2019 17:28

Lots of young teens are extremely self-conscious. If you go in with her it will give her confidence to do her own ordering etc, and she will become more familiar with it.

It may be that there's been a time when someone behind her in the queue has been rude and rushed her when she was trying to make up her mind. Perhaps this has made her uncomfortable (it just takes one wanker to make a snotty remark to do that) and she needs to build up to it again. Things like this (and dropping money, and not having enough change etc) happening in front of an audience can be crippling for a shy child.

I saw a shopkeeper totally destroy a child's pleasure in picking some sweets (admittedly a much younger child than yours, but the principle's the same) by telling them to "hurry up and get a move on as he hadn't got all day". It was horrible, and I told him so.

But if something like this has been said to your DD in front of other people, it could easily make her self-conscious.

HotChocWithCream · 08/10/2019 17:29

Teenage years are awkward! Your skins not at its best, your body is changing, hormones are raging....I felt incredibly awkward at that age going to places I was not familiar with if it involved social contact. I think you should be more supportive. It’s completely normal.

PaquitaVariation · 08/10/2019 17:30

I don’t think YAbu at all. Assuming that she’s neurotypical there is no reason whatsoever why she needed you to go in with her, especially if she’s used to shopping and has managed perfectly well in shops/cafes before. Doing things which make us feel uncomfortable is how we get used to everyday life experiences.

HairyFloppins · 08/10/2019 17:31

YABU. I was similar as a teen and I still make my DH go in certain shops for me.

My girls are teens and they are similar.

corythatwas · 08/10/2019 17:31

I suffered from anxiety in my younger days: if I was sent to get something from the delicatessen counter I would come home and say they didn't have it. And yes, it did probably get worse when I was a teen. I gradually weaned myself off it in my early-mid 20s, because I realised it could ruin my life. But it was a struggle. And this was in the 70s/80s so had nothing to do with any current snowflake generation.

My mother was (still is at 87!) exactly the same; don't think anyone ever helped her to get over it. It is getting more noticeable now my father is unable to do the communication due to increasing deafness- and she is paralysed by anxiety and struggles for that reason (WHY has nobody made that phone call to the bank?).

Understanding coupled with gentle encouragement seems the way to go. Accepting that "yes, I know this is difficult for you, this is how we can work on it" (though perhaps not at the time of a special treat).

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2019 17:32

I used to massively struggle on the phone with strangers as an adult. Good on your dd for explaining things.

FizzyIce · 08/10/2019 17:34

kateandme Thank you , i don’t feel brave, I feel like an idiot!Blush
It’s just so tiring as I worry and over think everything .
Just an eye test last week summoned up all my courage , it’s ridiculous

Stickytoffeepuddingyum · 08/10/2019 17:36

My sister is like this, she is raising health happy children but for example won't step foot in a pub on her own or go to the loo in an unfamiliar place on her own. Some people are just like that, don't see the harm in doing things with her.

73Sunglasslover · 08/10/2019 17:37

Help her gradually to do these sorts of things rather than dropping her in at the deep end. Some people her age are fine with these kinds of things. Others aren't and ultimately it doesn't matter what anyone else needs, it matter what she needs. You could help her do some role play at home and then decide what's the least scary shop to ask for something in and start with that.

Widowodiw · 08/10/2019 17:38

You need to be very supportive, is this not a sign of anxiety. I say that as I have a nephew who is exactly like you describe and it’s so bad now he’s doesn’t leave the house. I suspect when he was younger (teenage) he just go away with his parents to everything for him. But your daughter has talked to you so you have the chance to support her and hopefully she won’t get to full on anxiety.

puppymouse · 08/10/2019 17:39

I'm nearly 40, a parent and do a demanding job but I still let my DF, DM or DH go into places first in certain scenarios or wish I could get my very assertive DF to ring someone for me.

I think you probably ruined the treat a bit but I understand you want her to be independent.

Livebythecoast · 08/10/2019 17:40

My DD is 15 too. In her circle of friends I'm sure she would have gone into the ice cream shop with them and they all ordered but on her own, probably not. She's self conscious and without her little group she would have asked me to go in with her too. And I would so she got her treat without being told to 'grow up' and come away without her ice cream. It's called support.
I doubt she would have asked you if she was confident going in herself.

UndomesticHousewife · 08/10/2019 17:41

Both my dds has this at around that age. They hated asking for things or like placing an order in a shop. They could more easily go into a shop get their stuff and go to the till.

No, I didn't necessarily understand it however I did help them. I did the ordering but also encouraged them to do it and talked to them etc.

They grew out it mostly. It came back a bit with dd2 at around 18 when she was under stress but going away to uni massively helped her confidence.

Sometimes they don't grow out of it and have it as adults or have it to a lesser extent.

Milicentbystander72 · 08/10/2019 17:45

My dd is 15. She sometimes feels awkward doing certain random things.

For instance she has no problem going into a Starbucks and ordering herself a coffee, but she's really nervous about getting the. Us because she never knows what ticket to ask for. I have to talk it over with her before she does it.

I would have gone I with her and stood with her while she ordered.

I went to New York when I was 28 and was too scared to order a sandwich in a busy Deli as it was too busy and over whelming and people were shouting orders out etc. As a 47 woman I have no real anxiety issues that stops me doing anything.

I wouldn't worry too much OP

Butterfly84 · 08/10/2019 17:50

YABU. Not sure why you didn't go into the shop with her when you were shopping together. Also, I'm an adult and often feel anxious in certain situations. I would be fine if I was shopping/anywhere on my own. But if I was with someone, it's does boost my confidence, not sure why, it just does. Your DD probably feels more confident if someone is with her, whether it be a friend or you.

TrendyNorthLondonTeen · 08/10/2019 17:55

Why did you not just go into the shop? Is it really worth this drama?

daisyjgrey · 08/10/2019 17:59

I am an anxious person. Not horrifically and I can reign in most of it, but some days things will be worse than others.
I recently flew for a work trip with a new colleague, I'm not the biggest fan of flying but can hold it together enough that I don't look like I'm losing the plot. My colleague sat next to me and noticed I wasn't doing great and really helped me to feel less anxious. I was really grateful that he figured it out and just helped without me having to explain and just 'got it'.
I think it is unreasonable not to trust a 15 year old when she says she wants you to come with her and then walk away. It could have been for a lot of reasons. I'm impressed she managed to articulate what the problem was without it becoming an argument or similar.
I think you need to trust her and realise that if she feels like she needs you enough to ask for your help, don't refuse it, it will only exacerbate the issue.
Talk to her and help work out what her anxieties are etc and start from there.

Oh and @Ringdonna fuck you and your Daily Mail, Piers Morgan attitude, people like you are the reason we need so much mental health support services.

whatisthismess · 08/10/2019 18:01

I'm a 27 year old woman and depending on my mood, sometimes I will ask a friend to come with me to pay for something or order for me as I feel so nervous but I'm not sure exactly what I am nervous about...it's called anxiety. I have had to put things down in shops and leave when I've not felt able to do the checkout alone and especially if there is a big line. I much prefer having someone with me. On my good days, I can do it without a problem.

Looking back when I was 15, I wouldn't have been able to do it alone and I don't think being forced to would have helped me much either.

kateandme · 08/10/2019 18:02

FizzyIce i never want to hear you say that hun.your not an idiot.its a real and terrifying struggle when you have anxiety.dont ever belittle yourself for it. that mean every dam day you do manage is so brave and so strong.your fighting,thats all you can do.dont ever stop and dont ever think it needs to be like this forever. but if it is give yourself a break.your doing wha tyou can

AleFailTrail · 08/10/2019 18:11

I know the pain of anxiety, especially social anxiety. To the person who said shop work would help-it might. Or it might break her (I had a full metal breakdown at 27 after a lot of shop work when I was hired to be in charge of paperwork, am now under doctor’s orders to avoid that line of work eve if it keeps me unemployed 😒). When I was younger I was coddled and not allowed into town alone, when my DM left DDad let me and my sister go not only into town but to nearby big cities as well 😱. But with the anxiety issues I find sometimes even now I need a friend/my DP/someone else to go into crowded, strange establishments for me or before me. It’s an anxiety thing and it’s horrific. If your daughter has it cut her some slack and encourage her, don’t tell her to just grow up.

Redspider1 · 08/10/2019 18:16

I wouldn’t worry. I think more and more children/ teens are lacking in those skills these days as they spend less time out in the streets playing. My 2 hated answering the home phone for example. They got over it with encouragement. My niece was so timid she wouldn’t go to the local shop at the end of her road until she was 16. She now travels around the world on business. Positive encouragement all the way.

Chocolatethief · 08/10/2019 18:17

I'm 22 and live alone and tonight I ordered takeaway as I couldn't face going to the shop, there are days I cant live my home as I'm to scared and that's with medication so yabu you have no idea how she is feeling she needs your support I would be the exact same as her. I can only do things like that with someone with me even on my good days.

Aprillygirl · 08/10/2019 18:20

My daughter was a bit like yours at that age, fine if with myself or her friends but just a bit wary about going to/entering unfamiliar places alone. She is now an independent 21yr old young with no fear about going anywhere.I think it's probably quite common for some teenagers to feel very self conscious, but keep an eye on it incase it does turn into some sort of anxiety disorder, and definitely do not make her feel bad for not having as much confidence as you'd like. She is NOT a snowflake, she is just shy.

CormacMcLaggen · 08/10/2019 18:22

@Ringdonna you personify the stigma we are trying to overcome. Try having some compassion and understanding, some people struggle with anxiety and life is harder for them. It doesn't make them weak; actually it marks them as brave because they still have to deal with things that cause great discomfort through no fault or doing of their own.

I'd rather be a kind person with an anxiety problem than an unkind person who is part of the problem.

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