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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Issue with teenage daughter AIBU

73 replies

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 16:45

I was out with my 15 year old daughter at the weekend and she wanted a special ice cream from a certain shop. We were outside the shop so I gave her the money and said: "Off you go". However, she then asked if I would go in with her as she wasn't sure what she wanted. I was a bit miffed and told her to grow up and go in on her own, but she wouldn't. I just walked away from her and she followed me, without the ice cream. She explained after that she feels a bit scared to do certain things when they are unfamiliar and then I felt very mean. I don't want to mollycoddle, so I push her to stand on her own two feet her but I do realise that not all teens are confident. Any advice for dealing with this?

OP posts:

littleorangecat22 · 08/10/2019 18:23

i still get nervous ordering food at places where the menu is behind the cashier up on the wall or ice cream where there's a lot of choice as i find I'm always asked what I'd like to order before I've had a chance to look at waht they have and then feel pressured to pick fast

FizzyIce · 08/10/2019 18:29

@kateandme ooof, you’ve made me tear up.
Thanks so much for your kind words

Keepaddingpets · 08/10/2019 18:37

@seaweedandmarchingbands

Let's hope you child never needs your support in that way eh. Yes it's annoying and yes of course they should be able to do things by themselves but many children like my daughter suffer with anxiety and lack of confidence. It's my role as her Mum to help her not get annoyed with her!

seaweedandmarchingbands · 08/10/2019 18:48

Keepaddingpets

I don’t need you telling me about my role as a mum, thanks. I am stating a fact: I would lack patience with this sort of over-anxious behaviour and would encourage her out of it as briskly as possible. I will happily assume responsibility for the efficacy of that choice.

kateandme · 08/10/2019 18:49

FizzyIce no worries.i know it doesnt seem like it often but it wil be ok.just keep going.keep trudging onwards.making the best of what you can.

lljkk · 08/10/2019 19:18

DD will not phone anyone. It's like the phone is toxic. I have to do all her calls.

She could brass it out in a shouting match with anyone, has no trouble in shops or in person, but she cannot talk to folk on phone (sigh).

BackforGood · 08/10/2019 19:25

We started off by insisting she came with us, then she bought stuff with us there, then ultimately she was able to do it with us back always from the counter, and finally without us in the shop

Same her, but when our dc were about 5 or 6 yrs old.

OP, has she not been expected to do things like this over the last 8 - 10 years?
Sometimes we all need to do things that are outside our comfort zone, and I think you were right OP to give her the choice of going outside her comfort zone to get something she thought of as a treat, or miss out on the treat. Not doing our dc any favours in life by not encouraging them to overcome their worries.

Chloemol · 08/10/2019 19:50

I am a lot lot older and hate going into some shops, especially if I am not sure what I am asking for, or how that particular shop works. YABU

Pomegranatee · 08/10/2019 19:57

Hardly fair spoiling her treat like that. She asked you for a bit of support and you refused, you didnt teach her a lesson you simply refused to help her when she asked. I'm a lot older than her and still ask my DP to ask on my behalf for a lot of things. He understands and helps and makes an uncomfortable/awkward situation that bit better. Be a bit more empathetic next time.

Sarahlou252 · 08/10/2019 20:02

My daughter was 15 when she admitted she was struggling with anxiety and had subsequent counselling for three years. She had good days and bad days but a turning point for her was when she felt able to go into a jewellers and ask for a pair of stud earrings for my birthday. Something so simple. Like buying an ice cream. It meant so much to her. I would handle this very carefully, it's good that she felt she could tell you.

Karwomannghia · 08/10/2019 20:07

I understand where you’re coming from but having been there I just wanted my mum to take the heat off sometimes and not push me. She’ll get more confident in her own time with support. I ended up avoiding lots of situations because of this.

mnthrowaway2099 · 08/10/2019 20:09

Whilst I understand your point I think your delivery was rude. Saying ‘off you go’ and ‘grow up’ is just rude and antagonistic really.

If she has (minor) social anxiety, saying that to her isn’t going to help matters. If anything you’re just berating her and making her feel worse.

When I was her age, I was confident with my friends, at school, at home etc. But I was still a bit shy when speaking to random shop assistants - can’t really explain why? I’m fine now and even worked in retail, but I used to dread finding a store assistant to help me etc so I kind of see her point. She’s young and inexperienced, she’ll become more confident in time but being nasty to her won’t expedite the process unfortunately

LemonPrism · 08/10/2019 20:18

My sister used to do this. She needs to pull her socks up and get on with it - she'll encounter a lot worse than having to buy her own ice cream at uni and beyond.

My sister, since I was 5 and she 7, would always get me to go to the counter/ask the lady/ order the food. She's now quite an anxious person and I'm not.

You have to teach her to push through the reluctance.

shinysinkredemption · 08/10/2019 20:20

My mum believed in tough love to some extent; I think, there are enough people in the world that might not be that nice, you need to feel your family are on your side and will support you when you need it.

I'd go along with it when she asks for help in future. You could have gone in with her and helped her choose, and acted as though you expected her to ask for her ice cream in the hope that she would do so. I'm sure she's as frustrated as you are about feeling the way she does. I'd try finding self help books on building confidence and acting out situations with you, if you can get her to open up about how she feels and why she wants you by her side.

savingshoes · 08/10/2019 20:30

Gone are the days where you would send your seven year old up the road to post a letter on their own. Baby steps into learning how to talk to people at the counter. Now you don't leave their side until their at least 13, drive them everywhere and then assume at 15 they'll have the skills and confidence to talk to the people over the counter.

Original poster

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 20:50

Thank you all. I think my mum was quite tough and we just got on with it but I am aware that not everyone is the same. As I said, she does shop on her own and with friends, and we weren’t out shopping, we had just had lunch and she had mentioned she fancied an ice cream. It is quite a small shop and she had been in there before. I had a buggy as well so I thought it was easier to send her in and I’d wait outside. I was just a bit shocked when she wouldn’t go in. Similar things have happened before and I would go with her or stand by her. I didn’t mean to belittle her and I appreciate all your views. I will be more supportive in future

OP posts:

CatsOnCatnip · 08/10/2019 20:51

You behaved correctly in my opinion, I was put in this position slightly younger. Like your daughter, I was used to going out with friends and had ‘peer confidence’ but could be very shy doing things by myself as a lone almost adult. I just needed that shove. Not long after that I was applying for Saturday jobs, interviewed for my first job and employed. I’ve since owned my own business and nothing put me off more
than teens coming in to ask for work with their mums doing all the asking. I know it’s not quite the same situation but it’s the stepping stone. You have to learn to stand on your own two feet at some point.

pinkstripeycat · 08/10/2019 20:55

My dad did this to me all the time as a child and I went without so many times. It made me worse and I became more and more scared and shy. My mum however was there if I got a bit scared but encouraged me to speak for myself while she was there next to me if I needed support.

embarassednewname · 08/10/2019 21:30

My parents were like you, OP. I have grown into a normal confident woman. However, it has taught me I can never ask them for help because their reaction would be to tell me to sort myself out or stop being silly. They were the last to know about my divorce, how abusive my ex was, any hardships I ever had at uni or at work. If I have problems, any kind of problems, I don’t ask for help. Now that they’re older, it means they’re feeling increasingly left out. It also means we don’t have a close relationship as they would like. In my view, this was their choice.

mnthrowaway2099 · 08/10/2019 22:07

To be fair to you, I think ‘tough love’ was probably the standard parenting approach of your parent’s generation, but everyone’s different and that’s not necessarily the best approach today.

Logically think about it, if ‘tough love’ was the best approach for your daughter she would have obviously gone into the ice cream store and bought what she wanted instead of just leaving it? And she wouldn’t have social anxiety at all if ‘tough love’ is all she needs to ‘grow up’.

slashlover · 08/10/2019 22:25

I work in retail, can go into shops etc but the thought of going up to the counter to order a meal in a Wetherspoons type place is SO stressful for me. I can order drinks fine, but for some reason ordering food is an issue. I'm also not a fan of the phone when calling 'official' type places, I sit there with a notepad with anything they could possibly ask me noted down, even if it something easy to remember.

moolady1977 · 08/10/2019 22:38

Reading this had me thinking about things and made me realise I'm a lot like that I get nervous going into shops or getting on the bus on my own, just today I had to ring my friend to go with me to the local town to go shopping as the thought of going on my own was too much for me

Original poster

RaquelWelch · 08/10/2019 22:54

embarassednewname you really have me wrong. I actually have a really good relationship with my daughter and am sometimes quite surprised at the things she tells me, maybe because I didn’t have that relationship with my mum. She is extremely open with me. I am realising that she has a slight anxiety issue and that is why I felt bad about what happened and how I dealt with it

OP posts:

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