To wish dh would stop saying "ah but you never know" wrt a third child?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I'm done having kids. Completely 100% done. Dc are 5 and 8. I've never been all that broody - found the pregnancies hard though enjoyed the births. As my dc grow I get more and more enjoyment out of them and happier to move away from the baby/toddler phase.

Dh knows I am done. In a conversation about more long term contraception he did say "ah but you never know". He seems to think that if we won the lottery (for example) that we would have more dc.

We won't. Or certainly, I won't. I've made it clear to dh that I will never have another pregnancy or want to go back to having a baby. I would never push him to getting the snip- especially as he is obviously not as 100% as I am.

I suggested that I would look into getting my tubes tide. Again, "ah but you never know, one day you may just think right, I want another".

I don't!!!! Rarrrrrr. I have even explicitly said "if you want another that badly then you will have to leave me and find someone else who wants a baby".

You’re not unreasonable to be done and he’s not unreasonable either in wanting more.

He is right though... you never know. This is how you feel now but you genuinely do never know.

I was done at 2 as well totally. births were great, great babies bu i didn't want more.

I now have 3!

I absolutely do know. I know I will never carry another pregnancy.

I knew I only wanted 2 at 26. Got my tubes tied at 27. That was 20 years ago and I have never once regretted it. Best thing I ever did.

I guess there is an extent to which nobody ever knows for certain certain. But you can be as sure as you can be and it's bloody infuriating when that isn't taken at face value, ever. Does he do this every time?

I bet it would shut him right up if next time he did this you put on a thoughtful expression and said "you know what DH, you're right. I think it's just that I don't want another baby with you, perhaps I'll explore sperm donation"

No, I’m with you. I do have 3. I always knew that the middle one was the middle one, if that makes sense. Even when I just had 2 I was always going to have another. But I knew from the moment that sperm hit egg with number 3 that I was done and that was that.

It's just so frustrating that he seems to think he knows my mind better than I do.

...but you do need to swap husbands with another poster!

Haha maybe!

How frustrating to start this thread and have people agree that you don't actually know your own mind

YANBU. I get this from people all the time, I'm 29 with one DS and I categorically do NOT want any more. People often say "you'll change your mind" especially due to my age. I will not.

It's so arrogant and patronising when people think you don't know your own mind.

It's not about being 'done' or not.

It's a classic example of a man telling a woman what they think and feel while completely ignoring/overriding the woman's own, very clearly expressed, opinions over her mind and body in an incredibly condescending manner too.

YANBU

It's a classic example of a man telling a woman what they think and feel while completely ignoring/overriding the woman's own, very clearly expressed, opinions over her mind and body in an incredibly condescending manner too.

Yes.

I'd go so far as to press ahead with sterilisation and when he expressed surprise, I'd happily say 'To be honest I wouldn't be bothering but for the patronising way you always comment on a third. It's really made me feel I have to make a statement about it, which is a shame really.'

Yes this. It's patronising to be told that I don't know something when I very much do.

To the point where if we had an accident, I would book a termination.

Bloody hell @FizzyGreenWater that seems a bit strong

As you get older and the energy to bring up a child reduces I think you can be fairly sure that you dont want one ( although even then...that isnt certain), but if you are younger you really don't know what the future will bring and how you will feel.
I would ask you this if a woman was adamant that she didn't want to have a baby and then changed her mind, would she be wrong to feel this way. Would you be saying you have made the decision so you cant change your mind?
I would ask the same thing to those saying this is a man telling a woman how to feel, which is obviously complete rubbish, as many woman will tell you the same thing.

My catholic Aunt used to say that to me. I found it insulting as , it's our choice and I was using contraceptive.
But I think she was peddling out the old catholic belief of it being in god's hands.

Cheeseandwin5

So only older women know their own mind? I'm not saying people cannot change their mind. But I am certain that I will not change my mind on this.

Of course some people can change their minds.

The point is that the OP isn't going to, so it's extremely dismissive of anyone to tell her that she might.

Expect to get the same level of patronising if you speak to your GP about sterilisation as well.

I have 5 biological kids, plus DS1, and I've been told by all 3 GP's in our practise that they won't refer me until I'm 40 as I'm "too young to be 100% sure".

This is despite the fact my youngest was conceived on the coil, that I planned a termnation (the woman in the clinic showed me the scan screen despite me asking her not too and I couldn't do it), and she has severe health issues that mean she will need care her whole life.

DH has an issue with blood clotting so they won't refer him for the snip either (though I do understand that).

Expect to get the same level of patronising if you speak to your GP about sterilisation as well

I was told by a friend that her gp said "but what if your dc die?"

Erm.....how do you even answer that?! They aren't crockery - I'm not just going to look to replace them.

God, women really are invisible aren't they?

It takes on average seven years to get an endometriosis diagnosis. And apparently we don't know when our families are complete.

We shouldn't have to beg and convince anyone of anything, ever. Struggling to think the last time I heard of a man who was told he didn't know his own mind.

Not with a 5 and 8 year old I wouldn’t ... even if you fell pregnant right now you’d have 9 yr and 6 yr age gaps. So you’d have a 7 yr old with a 13 and 16 yr old. An 11 yr old just starting secondary school and a 17 and 20 yr old.

It’ll shape and restrict what you can do together as a family for a long while ahead. You’ve done the baby, toddler and young child stage - why do it again? You found it hard first time.

And I say that as someone who had 3 - but I always knew I wanted 3 and I popped them out within 3 and a half years

Cheeseandwin5 nothing wrong with people changing their minds. But it's patronising to tell people that they might change their minds when they have no idea how that person is feeling. I had PND after having DS and I am never risking that again. DS is 6 now and the idea of going back to the baby stage makes me miserable just thinking of it. My age has nothing to do with it.

If OP says she is done, she is done. Her DH should accept it.

I get it OP, I knew I didn’t want kids from the age of about 13, was told all my life I would change my mind. I’m now 40, still can’t get sterilised, because my time is running out and so I might now suddenly realise I do want kids after all (apparently)...

Patronising bollocks.