To wish dh would stop saying "ah but you never know" wrt a third child?

[BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz]

I'm done having kids. Completely 100% done. Dc are 5 and 8. I've never been all that broody - found the pregnancies hard though enjoyed the births. As my dc grow I get more and more enjoyment out of them and happier to move away from the baby/toddler phase.

Dh knows I am done. In a conversation about more long term contraception he did say "ah but you never know". He seems to think that if we won the lottery (for example) that we would have more dc.

We won't. Or certainly, I won't. I've made it clear to dh that I will never have another pregnancy or want to go back to having a baby. I would never push him to getting the snip- especially as he is obviously not as 100% as I am.

I suggested that I would look into getting my tubes tide. Again, "ah but you never know, one day you may just think right, I want another".

I don't!!!! Rarrrrrr. I have even explicitly said "if you want another that badly then you will have to leave me and find someone else who wants a baby".

My husband wants the snip and although I know once I have this baby I'm pretty sure I'm done currently 31 weeks pregnant I keep saying to him is he 100% sure as mind's do change situations change etc but he said he would happily have an accident on his bike to sort it out lol now that's extreme but like you op my husband just knows it's not want he wants x 😊

I thought at first that your dh was making excuses so as to avoid getting a vasectomy. But you saying he is even against you getting your tubes tied is strange.

Can you tell him that you are prepared to take the risk of changing your mind? How awful to have him stop you doing something that you want to do with your own body .

The only way a woman can get sterilised without questioning by a doctor is to say they're trans. They're sterilising kids at the drop of a hat, but not grown women who choose to shut down the baby factory.

I was told by a friend that her gp said "but what if your dc die?"

Erm.....how do you even answer that?! They aren't crockery - I'm not just going to look to replace them.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

Yep I’ve had that one. As well my two favourites - “what if your husband wants another?” and “what if you divorce and your next partner wants a child?”

I was also told that when I hit 40 I must bring my husband with me for the conversation as they need to be sure both parties are happy.

In his consultations about his potential vasectomy not only did they look into several different things for him (changing medication, different techniques etc) to see if it was possible they also spoke to a few different places. Not once did they ask him if his wife agreed.

Sounds like my DP.

Currently 25 weeks with our first baby. I didn’t want children until a few years ago. Now I’m ecstatic to be welcoming our first in the New Year.

However DP wants more than one, I’m happy with one, but two would be my absolutely maximum and I definitely would not have or want a third.

But DP keeps saying things like “you never know” “that’s years away though”

And my personal favourite

“You didn’t even want kids when I first met you so we’ll probably end up with 5”

Of fuck off back to Blamory you over ambitious bastard.

Must be the hormones, no?

If you would think about termination if you got pregnant again I would definitely do something about it now. It sounds like that is not a decision your husband would be happy with so don't ever get to that stage! My third was unplanned and I have no regrets but DH did get the snip when she was less than two weeks old.

"They aren't crockery - I'm not just going to look to replace them."

Indeed. A female family member of mine was sterilised in the 90s after three kids (one of whom died in infancy). She remembers her GP saying to her "I'm supposed to ask you to think about the possibility of one of your kids dying in future. However, I think you probably know better than most people that you can't "replace" a child".

What Sicario said. Far faster to arrange lifelong sterilization by telling them you are trans than being a woman of child-bearing age who is trying to escape her god given duty. Women aren’t allowed to make decisions about their own bodies unless they claim to be men.

I wonder - is it actually sex discrimination; the fact that a man can get a vasectomy at the drop of the hat but women have to jump through hoops and even get ‘permission’ from their husbands in order to be granted the same procedure? I wonder if anyone has actually taken a legal view on this - it cannot be fair, the fact that an 18 year old man could skip into the GP and get it booked in no time, and yet a woman apparently doesn’t know her own mind and needs to think of the reproductive wants of even a fictional future partner!

I agree that your partner is being a twat. Have you told him straight out that you would book a termination of an accident happened? To be honest I would just refuse to discuss the matter further with him, and inform him that he is being a patronising twat.

It isn't just a big feminist issue.
I think age also is a factor.
DH always only wanted 2, he had a vasectomy at 27.
The GP said "are you sure your DW cant just keep taking contraception?" 🤨 HE was the one who was done at 2, which I'm fine with, but it was all his decision.
GP also asked what if her split up and he wanted children with another woman and hes so young.
My DM has said hes too young for such a descion.
He had it done anyway and shot everyone down who questioned him about it.
It was his decision but one I supported.

Totally up to you, it's your body.

But...do you need to go for a big operation when there are loads of long term (injections/ implants) contraceptive options out there?
The snip isn't a big deal for men but having your tubes tied is a pretty big deal physically. I'm absolutely not suggesting it's because you'll change your mind, just that there are simpler options available. I'm 100% done and I have a five year hormonal coil. I'll probably only need one more before my body does its thing.

@Batcrazy101

He is right though... you never know. This is how you feel now but you genuinely do never know.

I was done at 2 as well totally. births were great, great babies bu i didn't want more.

I now have 3!

How patronising. So if OP said that she really wanted a third would you come on here and say she might change her mind? I'm not having any and have been old for 25+ years that I'll change my mind. I'm 41 and still get told that there's time.

I was sterilised at 32. I got several long counsellor typr speeches from the GP, but they booked me in to be done. Not once have I regretted it, and I've subsequently divorced and remarried.

Refuse to have sex with him in case of an accident until he gets the message.
It used to driven me potty when friends or acquaintances said "you never know" when we said we're sticking at one. To have your own husband dismiss your feelings like that is another level.

But Lyralalala conceived on the coil, so no other contraception is infallible.

www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/contraception/unintendedpregnancy/pdf/Contraceptive_methods_508.pdf

According to this from US Centers for Disease Control, the implant and hormonal IUD are more effective than tubal ligation.

I agree it's patronising not to be given the medical care you want but unless you have a reaction to hormones, there are less invasive ways to prevent pregnancy long term. And obviously they are cheaper for the NHS.

I hear you. My DH would quite like another, I’m happy with 2. I’m still young enough that there is time but he’s 10y older which I think isn’t ideal. We have a big house and people assume that part of buying it was to fill it with more babies. It wasn’t. I don’t want to do it again, even though babies are beguiling and smell nice. I know that this is enough for me. Worst of all - both of my babies are the same sex, so people always ask if we would try for the opposite - like we have a choice!!

@foxatthewindow I am in the exact same situation! Two of the same sex, not too old to have another, and can afford it financially. I just don't want to do it again.

When you know you know.
Stick to your guns, OP.

I know what you mean OP. Is there something your OH is adamant about that you can use to tell him “you never know”? With my OH, he hates mushrooms so if he did the same as your OH, I’d be putting mushrooms in every meal I cooked and telling him “oh you never know, you might change your mind”

I get this from people loads, I've two girls and absolutely no desire for a boy. Once I was 20 weeks and knew my second was a girl I felt so content and that's how I've felt ever since. My husband also doesn't want more and was never bothered about a son, he would have liked one at some point but he wasnt really bothered either way yet people are always telling us we'll change our mind and have another. Thankfully my husband was happy to get the snip so we can shut them up with that

If after discussions it turns out to be a deal breaker for your DH, are you prepared to walk away and divorce?

Maybe he knows that it’s a deal breaker for him, and is trying to avoid that final conversation that will inevitably end your marriage?

He doesn't think he knows it better than you, he's saying quite clearly he doesn't want to discuss a vasectomy because he wants to keep his options open if you ever break up.

The husband of a friend of mine went to the doctor about a vasectomy, and they wouldn’t do anything until they’d also seen my friend and questioned her about it too, so it’s not always the case that men are consulted about sterilisation but women are not consulted about vasectomies. That might vary from postcode to postcode though, and they are only in their early thirties.

Not that either men or women should have a say over what their partners do with their own bodies, in my opinion.