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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Post pregnancy hormones or group weirdness?

64 replies

ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 02:20

I'm part of an antenatal group chat. Mostly messages about the new babies, sometimes competitive about how well they're feeding/sleeping/progressing, which I don't get involved with, as mine doing his own thing. 😁
I try to ask after those who haven't posted for a while and to bring the group together/ gently suggest meeting places when others say they would like to try activities.

Anyway. My husband was in an accident over the weekend. Luckily only minor injuries but he won't be able to help with the baby for the foreseeable future. I'm still recovering from a c section and we don't have much in the way of support. I posted a brief factual outline of what happened (similar to above) and had no response, even as an expression of support or well wishes at all. Then when someone later posted a photo of their baby there was the usual flurry of messages.
AIBU to have expected a bit of a handhold? Or are parenting groups only for showing the good times, a bit like how I imagine Instagram works?

OP posts:
notmytea · 08/10/2019 02:23

Wow, that's a bit shit! I would flounce Flowers

BitOfFun · 08/10/2019 02:23

It's just rudeness. Tackle it humorously but head-on and post "What am I, chopped liver?"

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 02:30

Thanks, both. I was a bit dismayed but wasn't sure if it was hormones playing up. I haven't contributed since. I suppose a silent flounce isn't really a flounce, is it? 😁 I wonder where the mothers are who are prepared to admit that everything isn't always perfect and that that too is fine and normal?

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 08/10/2019 02:50

Well, there are a fair few of them on here!

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2019 02:58

Nah op that sucks, sorry you've got all that to deal with.
If you're prepared to be brave you could comment in their lack of comments and how it's made you question being I ntbe group etc. but a silent sulk flounce is fine too

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 03:06

Thanks for your kindness. I'm not sure if making a comment will just make things worse. I just thought what on earth is that kind of group for if not to share the ups and downs of new parenthood?

OP posts:
AlaskanBush · 08/10/2019 03:32

Sounds horrible OP. The only thing I can imagine is that with a newborn I had no time to help support a new friend in any beneficial way. Whilst breastfeeding/being a zombie/welcoming all our visitors I would quickly write out generic 'ah so cute', ' wow, that's amazing' texts. Much to my shame, I know!

AlaskanBush · 08/10/2019 03:33

I also hope your husband is on the mend and that you're recovering well from your c section!

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 03:42

You're probably right, @AlaskanBush, and I'm trying to bear that in mind that maybe I'm expecting too much, although I can't see how 'oh sorry to hear that' or 'how's he doing' is any harder to write than 'OMG what a cutie' or that kind of comment.

OP posts:
aggitatedstate · 08/10/2019 03:46

They are dicks. Find new friends. Bitches.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 08/10/2019 03:59

I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling and that your group hasn't been supportive. The only thing I can think of was perhaps they all thought you were fishing for offers of help. Only your above comment about not having much in the way of support. I think other new mums aren't always in the position to offer this, no matter how rosy their posts are. Hopefully you have other friends you can lean on.

Also if you did need help there's no shame in asking directly. Whilst expressions of sympathy might have been nice they could have been at a loss what to do.

donethinkin · 08/10/2019 04:00

Oh wow. That’s really crap. At least you know now that they aren’t decent/caring people. You’d be best to go to baby groups and make different/new friends. These aren’t worth your time. I had a similar experience. A few years ago I had a late miscarriage. I posted in our antenatal group that I’d be leaving the group shortly and wishing them luck with the rest of their pregnancy. We’d met up many times. Not one of them said a thing. No commiserations or asking after us. If it was me, I’d have sent some flowers and a “so sorry to hear what happened” card.
It still blows my mind that 8 other people could read that and be totally silent!

AlaskanBush · 08/10/2019 04:01

I completely agree with you OP. It would be lovely to have that support from them.

My DD is 18 months now and at the beginning I thought the 'mum' friends would know where I'm coming from more and be able to offer support more 'in tune' with what I was going through. This wasn't the case and I'm actually not in contact with any of them now! I can only think that this was the reason. It might even be that they think you have other support networks. And while for me I did, their kids were either much older or they didn't have any! When your husband is injured and you are recovering from a c section - unless you have been through this yourself it is so so hard to empathise with it.

With the friends that I have known a while I will fully invest myself in making sure they're OK and offering the support that I would want. But that's just me of course! A simple 'oh no, that's awful' I feel would not suffice.

I wouldn't rule them out completely yet because they might be able to offer support in other ways. Motherhood can be so isolating that I wouldn't give in yet.

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 04:02

Yes, I probably should find other people. Any attempts to try to get people together in this group are wasted. They express an interest in doing activities and when I try to book/organise then suddenly they have visitors/too busy/forgot the time etc and cancel at the last minute.

OP posts:
AlaskanBush · 08/10/2019 04:05

In that case, I agree with you. Best to move on! Which is what I did eventually 🙈. You'll find the ones that matter.

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 04:12

@Modest (love the username) that's an interesting perspective. It wasn't intended as fishing. Still though, I sent my husband round to some of their houses with a book on c sections and a card as I knew those early days would be tough on them. Perhaps I was subconsciously expecting that to be reciprocated in the smallest way.

@donethinkin I am truly sorry for your experience and shocked at the lack of response from the group. I cannot understand how you could not find it in yourself to send someone some kind thoughts after a miscarriage. Although what you went through in no way compares, I do admit to similar feelings of miscomprehension. Perhaps when people are unsure they find it easier to say nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 04:18

Thanks, Alaskan. I might just look from a distance and keep looking for new friends. You are right that it is very isolating and I think the key for me is to remain being sociable and finding new friends. It is counterintuitive to think that those who have gone through the experience of motherhood at the same time should be hard to bond with. At least my reflux baby has settled tonight, finally!

OP posts:
Countrylifeornot · 08/10/2019 04:24

Sounds like they might be NCT friends?
If so go and meet new Mum friends at baby classes etc, from what I've seen of NCT there is inevitably one person left out, sorry its you OP Flowers

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 05:49

@Countrylife exactly right 😬

OP posts:
Piglet89 · 08/10/2019 06:45

No way if that happened to me would my NCT girls not send messages of support, and probably one in particular would offer to come round and help me!

It’s crap, OP. Sorry you’re going through it.

Original poster
ZazuMoon · 08/10/2019 08:54

It's more just that there is no illusion of support now, even. The appeal of the group was that there was some illusion that you could send a message at 4am and say 'anyone else up?' and there just might be.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2019 09:21

How big is the group Zazu? Might be worth trying to procure a smaller group of friends from there if there's anyone you partic click with but def try to make new ones.

Witchinaditch · 08/10/2019 09:24

That’s crap!! My NCT group are so so so supportive and would instantly reply. I’m not sure why your group have been so cold?

Simkin · 08/10/2019 09:27

How many in the group? It is really weird that not one person responded at all! Did they definitely see it?? I can imagine how one or two people might find it awkward, or not know what to say, or be scared you need help when they're not coping themselves - but ALL of them?

Sorry about your H's accident Flowers.

I would keep referring to it and if still no response, yes, dump them, as really what is the point of such utterly shallow relationships?

Mrsgogginsthe3rd · 08/10/2019 09:56

Oh love hope you’re ok C section recovery sucks. Do you have a relative who can come over and help? Just try not to do too much bending - do you have a changing table? Hope you’re DH gets better soon too. What an absolute shitter 😐.

Re the group mine was almost identical - they’re dicks. Mine was a bad mix of bitches and the socially inept and it created a very odd toxic group mentality. I spent far too long engaging and trying and it really effected those first 5 months and I still feel very bitter about it. Me and another girl split off and saw each other separately and I met a lovely new group randomly in my village cafe when DC was about 4 months, they welcomed me in and I haven’t looked back - the group chat with those ladies is so much different so I know it wasn’t me!!

Don’t do what I did and waste any more time that you are comfortable with on them! Flowers