Post pregnancy hormones or group weirdness?

[ZazuMoon]

I'm part of an antenatal group chat. Mostly messages about the new babies, sometimes competitive about how well they're feeding/sleeping/progressing, which I don't get involved with, as mine doing his own thing. 😁
I try to ask after those who haven't posted for a while and to bring the group together/ gently suggest meeting places when others say they would like to try activities.

Anyway. My husband was in an accident over the weekend. Luckily only minor injuries but he won't be able to help with the baby for the foreseeable future. I'm still recovering from a c section and we don't have much in the way of support. I posted a brief factual outline of what happened (similar to above) and had no response, even as an expression of support or well wishes at all. Then when someone later posted a photo of their baby there was the usual flurry of messages.
AIBU to have expected a bit of a handhold? Or are parenting groups only for showing the good times, a bit like how I imagine Instagram works?

Sorry to hear about your dh's accident.

I think it is better for you to mute the group and not bother with it any more, join a couple of other groups (I found baby Massage is good for really young babies as there's a lot of opportunities to chat to other people there) and you'll make better friends as it will be more natural.

Unfortunately women can be bitchy and cliquey, it's possible that a little subgroup has firmed and they're all really just talking to each other through the bigger group, you're probably not the only one they've ignored but you probably haven't noticed. It's a shame, no one has to be friends with everyone but there's nothing wrong with being kind and supportive.

I'm suspecting some sub-groups have formed, which is fine, but explains why I was fighting a losing battle trying to pull the group together. I really can't be bothered to try to navigate the dynamics of groups and subgroups though! Thank you for your experiences and encouragement.

That’s really rubbish. You should find another group. My nct group isn’t great for many reasons but I know if I posted a message like that I would have offers of support even if the person couldn’t offer much practical support. I am also part of a brilliant group I met on here when we were all pregnant. Maybe you could find a group on the postnatal clubs board.

With your updates it sounds like they're a bunch of flakes and not worth investing your time in.
Do you have a local Facebook page? It's always worth asking on there about local groups. I had an Nct group but we didn't meet up much whereas I met up more with people I came across in the activities we went to. It doesn't help in the short term, hopefully your DH can take the men up on their offers!

I'd say they probably are scared of being asked to help and feel like they can't give their time at the moment, shit I agree but I'd leave the group and try and make friends in different ways.

It isn't what you thought it would be. Competitive sleep deprivation antics are o e thing, actually having got step out their own lives to help someone they don't know well is a different ballgame. They'll have convinced themselves they cant do anything and you'll be fine because your friends/family will help and theyre far too busy with their own baby.

Sorry op, hope dh gets well soon

I met 3 lovely mums at Baby Sensory. Didn’t bother with nct. Sometimes a smaller group is better (if you meet nice people).

Sorry for your experience OP.

Yes, I think I need to focus on meeting people who I might have something in common with other than having birthed at the same time. You have all been so kind and restored my faith in human nature a bit. ☺ I haven't been on the chat since and as far as I know nobody else is posting. For me the way to get through this is to keep being sociable, which is perhaps not what others in the NCT were looking for.

That's such a shame that the group couldnt even share a comment of support or sympathy. Having a small baby is so hard and isolating as it is. I always tended to stay away from support groups as I hate dealing with shallow people and so manu people in this day in age are. When I tried to reach out to a friend after she had a baby a few months after I did, she basically shut me out so I tend not to bother now.

I did send my colleague a photo of my one year old covered in sudocreme after my two year old painted him while I was doing a number 2 to cheer her up at work, I am one of those parents who think that people bond better over the shit/crazy parts of being a parent than the instagram moments anyway!

Reflux is such a nightmare, my two year old nearly drove me into a straight jacket with it, I hope it gets easier soon mummy bear xx

NCT is conceptually great but I’m not so sure about the reality of it. I know that some groups work brilliantly but I think the classes are sold as a bit of a guaranteed friendship group and they really aren’t. Our group was reasonably active initially but then petered our with me now only seeing one of the other mums. I too had tried to organise things and had absolutely no response: in the end, one gives up, but if, like me, you like to keep trying to maintain things and show an interest in the others in the group, that can be really challenging to experience. Try to go to your local children’s centre as they often have great groups on which are free to attend, rhyme time at the library can be fun and is free and if thinking of paid groups, Hartbeeps can be lovely with likeminded people. In the meantime, keep doing things as you are with your little one and I hope your recovery, and your husband’s, go smoothly. You sound lovely and not having your friendship will be there loss

@Vampyress my feelings exactly. Why not make life a bit kinder to another new mum just by sending a couple of words? I also like to message about the pee in the air and the korma balls- perhaps it felt like over familiarity to some, I don't know.

@Onelovelyone thank you for your kind words. I'll take a look at Hartbeeps and have found something to go to tomorrow.

DH is all right thank you everyone. A couple of broken bones but it definitely could have been worse and we are grateful that it isn't.

Find new friends, they sound like dicks. I hope your husband is on the mend and you and little one are doing well.

Glad you're feeling a bit better OP.

Like any organised group situation NCT is a bit pot luck, I think maybe we all go into it thinking everyone must be the same as us - but not always so.

Oh god the bloody baby classes competitiveness OP!! Honestly if I can give you one piece of advice it's not to shell out on anything until they're at least 5 months old and can engage - at least 5 months. I did a few things under pressure to be seen to because of my NCT group and they were stressful and pretty crap in baby sensory's case (it was the official one and was in a freezing cold depressing church hall with standoffish women and worn tatty equipment. I only did 4 out of the 8 classes. I still look back now and think god that was depressing.) I did a baby massage as well which was via a friend of one the group and that wasn't great, it was cheap but only 20 minutes - it was not worth the stress of getting organised for. I really wish I'd just spent more cosy time at home with my baby and had hung about locally - when I finally did that I met some nice people! And that's what we then spent a lot of time doing.

The nicest things we do is meet at someone's house. There's no pressure to host and no pressure to be tidy but someone usual brings some cakes from the CoOp and we could just lounge and chat dump our baby bags and get our boobs out if we needed to, it was so nice and low stress.

I did do a class called Baby Beats when my DC was about 5.5 months and that was great, he loved it and I did two terms people were nice but it was busy so not much time to chat.

If you could find something like the baby massage class my friend did where it was an hour of tea and cake afterwards I think that would be a really nice opportunity to chat and room for potential bonding.

@Mrsgoggins thanks for the tip. I've invited people over to my house as thought that might be a low pressure way for people to meet/breastfeed/chat but it's like herding cats. Even suggested I have an open house for a few hours as couldn't seem to agree a window of time with anyone. I've given up now.
DS loves music so will look at baby beats or similar. HV had a few recommendations as well so going to one of those today.

We had a better night sleep wise as well which makes everything seems better. At one point DS was waking with reflux every 30-60 minutes after a feed.