Post pregnancy hormones or group weirdness?

[ZazuMoon]

I'm part of an antenatal group chat. Mostly messages about the new babies, sometimes competitive about how well they're feeding/sleeping/progressing, which I don't get involved with, as mine doing his own thing. 😁
I try to ask after those who haven't posted for a while and to bring the group together/ gently suggest meeting places when others say they would like to try activities.

Anyway. My husband was in an accident over the weekend. Luckily only minor injuries but he won't be able to help with the baby for the foreseeable future. I'm still recovering from a c section and we don't have much in the way of support. I posted a brief factual outline of what happened (similar to above) and had no response, even as an expression of support or well wishes at all. Then when someone later posted a photo of their baby there was the usual flurry of messages.
AIBU to have expected a bit of a handhold? Or are parenting groups only for showing the good times, a bit like how I imagine Instagram works?

It's only a small group- fewer than 10. They are not cold when it is just cooing over a photo or the like. I don't know if the group dynamic is just to always present the best version of their experience- but surely it is hard but rewarding at the same time? No-one seems to be up at 3, or finding breastfeeding anything but easy, people are already going on holiday and saying what a breeze it was. But then they don't want to meet up, either.

@Mrsgoggins I have no family support at all. PIL ok but only if they have one specific task at a time. Eg they would take DS for an hour and then want to go home. Thankfully a colleague gave me a waist height changing table ☺ I'm just going to get myself out and meet new people - they must be out there. Old friends are the other end of the country.

Thanks everyone. Perhaps my expectations of the group were too different from the rest.

Maybe they don't want to meet up because then it would be obvious things are more of a struggle than they are portraying.

But how well do you know one another? I agree that it may have sounded as if you expected some practical support, and if your NCT group is anything like mine was, we simply didn't know one another that well as the babies arrived.

My group simply didn't like one another that much, it turned out, so while we did meet for coffee and walks occasionally, we drifted apart almost immediately, and when I left London when my son was eight months old, I didn't make the slightest pretence of keeping in touch with any of them. Now I can't remember any of their names!

I mean, I think situations friendships can sometimes be very helpful, and can sometimes cohere into genuine friendship, but you've just been unlucky with your group. When you think about it, the group only exists because you happened to have babies at the same time, and for some people (me included) that is a desperately isolating experience rather than a bonding one. DH had had to accept a new job a long commute away just after DS was born, so I hardly saw him, all family and friends were in another country, and I was also recovering from a CS (which got infected) and wasn't able to breastfeed, and lived up two flights of stairs -- I simply had nothing in the bag to be generous to anyone else with.

Sympathies, OP -- it's tough. I found random local NCT coffee mornings that were open to anyone provided me with more interesting people.

Sounds like they're just being rude - I would distance myself.

Also sorry about your DH's accident. My DH had back surgery when DS was 11 weeks and couldn't help with the baby for 5 months in total. Like you I had no support but you'll get through it. Just focus on one day at a time.

I agree with @LagunaBubbles to an extent too, there was definitely a couple like that in our group - never ever met up casually only the big catch up events that we had 3 times in 6 months, one of them was always v late (not that I wasn’t 😂) and was last to arrive all 3 times but everyone would be like oh it’s not like so and so to be so late! how the F would we know, she never comes to anything, she’d just curated this persona of slick togetherness over messenger when I think quite the opposite was true! I mean who has time to play those games with a new baby!

It's only a small group- fewer than 10 Tbh when it comes to getting to know each other and being truly open, that is a big group.
Sounds like everyone is paranoid thry have to be perfect parents. If you can accept you might not get the support, some honest posting off you might just make a change in them. It might give some of them permission to admit it's hard too and you might find a few people to bond with in that way. But it totally depends if you cba

There are other options - have you tried the Peanut app? The free NCT bumps and baby groups are good too. And if you have any local walks and cafes start hanging around in those. Honestly I’m not sure if I’d have met anyone through the groups I did but don’t let that put you off. I think it was just the ones I did, a friend did a baby massage where part of it was coffee and cake afterwards and she met a lovely group through that, I think it was the opportunity to stay and chat afterwards which led to bonding - none of the classes I did had that element and it was all a bit busy! Xx

Op where in the country are you, we all seem lovely 😁😂

1. It would have come across as begging for help
2. they're just pure "look at me" image obsessed fair weather "friends"
3. leave the group, save your own mental health and find proper friends. Mush app is quite good.
4. know they probably are all struggling but the fact they're all making out everything is perfect and being competitive shows what kind of people they are. Move on x

Sorry about your husband's accident. You may well find if some people don't post much that they've muted the group.

With mine i found the same few people posted a lot and got lots of response. They all seemed to gel and formed a sub group within the group. In the end i left after similar.

Totally agree with SleepingStandingUp's post about being honest - if you can be arsed and it's not going to upset you if nobody responds. You can 100% guarantee somebody is not feeling like everything's perfect but some people just cannot admit that.

Thank you all for your replies. You're right that we don't know each other that well but we were quite active as a group throughout the weeks leading up to the births.
@Sron that sounds unbelievably tough and all credit to you for coping with all of that. What an inspiration.
I do just need to take each day as it comes. Thanks for the suggestions of groups. Have been into the library this morning to find out what's on which is a start.

I'm in the South West.

God, @Zazu, I didn't in the least mean to be inspirational! I was a wreck, and I don't think I even realised it until years later. I was just explaining that I wouldn't have had anything to give at that stage. I barely remembered my own name. Sympathies to you, though and great that your husband is OK. I could have suggested where I found alternative support in London, but it's no use to you.

You'll get through, and things will get much easier without you having to do anything except keep breathing. When I look back, I wonder why I was always rushing about doing things, rather than just taking the path of least resistance. If I had a time machine, I would have stayed in completely for the first two months and watched a lot of films with my baby in my arms, not not felt I needed to have some kind of social life.

I have now had a response asking if I can just get a cleaner and then cancelling some thing that had been organised for this week. 😐

OK so possibly sounds like they all panicked you wanted a hand. I'd reply "no need for a cleaner, just need a safe place to chat and vent. Shame about cancelling X, we'll still be going if anyone else wants to come"

They are being shit OP.

They weren't busy otherwise they wouldn't have liked the baby photos. It doesnt take much to say 'that's terrible, hope he gets better soon' or something. I'd just conclude they dont care and liked the baby pics so that everyone will like theirs back. Though the people who dont respond much may not actually read it often, especially if they are struggling and dont want to join the 'who is rolling first' competition

Also I was a member of two flakey groups, every get together fell apart because people were 'just so busy', their baby was getting ill, or they'd 'double booked'. I got sick of turning down other stuff just to be let down. So I picked the one from each group that I thought I would actually have been friends with and kept in touch separately, one is actually a good friend now.

I'd bin them as a group and see if there is anyone that just wants to meet for a coffee or something- maybe the ones who post less as maybe they are sick of it too

I also found with groups that people were so obsessed about their baby being constantly stimulated and entertained. Everyone it seemed would rather spend a fortune going to a fair few official baby groups every week rather than actually have a proper conversation with other adults or doing something nice for themselves like getting some nice coffee or cake. People would rather try and teach their newborn baby sign language than do something like go a walk in the park

@Gettingabitdesperate I found a cheaper baby sensory session run by a charity -more like a chance for mums to meet with a bit of sensory stuff thrown in but they only show interest in the official baby sensory sessions which the babies then sleep through 😂 same for organising a session at the hydrotherapy pool -they only want to do Water babies at £16 a session.

Is this NCT? I despise it. Its full of people pretending to have the perfect life.

Yep NCT. It did start with competitive healthiness during pregnancy with no bad cravings and yoga up until 40 weeks and so on. Then pain free, intervention free birth aspirations, then breastfeeding competition. Clearly I did not even enter that competition as I had awful cravings and was only not nauseous when I was eating, then topped it off with a c section and struggles with breastfeeding 😂

@sron what I meant was that reading yours and others' posts made me realise that others have got through worse and that I will be OK as long as I don't over think things. That is inspirational, even if you didn't see it as such at the time. Thank you everyone for sharing and helping.

I also struggled with my nct group so you have my sympathy. I eventually got to know the odd person to speak to through groups etc, but for me none have quite developed into close friendship yet. I think they might, though. Just try a range of things, but also spend time alone with baby if you want to, and see existing friends if/when you're able to. Coffees and park are good too as pps have said!

I think pps might have hit on where I went wrong with my nct group, as I tried to save up the bitching and complaining for when I got to know them better so as not to seem needy or a downer. I prob came across as a fake shallow bitch though. And then they ditched me before I really got to the bitching and moaning stage.

I feel a little sorry for your nct group, I think pps are being a little harsh. They probably don't feel then can help, and replying might seem like they are offering?? Also on large group chats or fb etc I assume that certain things are meant for others, not me - so if a post implies a level of intimacy that I don't feel I have with that person, I automatically assume it's aimed at others who are closer to the poster, and I'd feel intrusive replying.

My husband has had a couple of messages in the men's group asking how he is and if there's anything they can do to help!

NCT groups can be hit and miss and I say this as an ex class attendee and ex-practitioner. Some groups gel and get on pretty well, some groups just don't and that's okay too. I didn't gel with my NCT group but later found the local branch itself to be very welcoming, hence I ended up training as a practitioner. Different strokes for different folks.

As for your thread, YADNBU to feel upset/disappointed, depending on where you are you may find there are more supportive groups nearby or on facebook, some areas have groups (even NCT ones) where mums can debrief their birth experiences though that depends on the volunteers and the availability of postnatal practitioners if you feel you want or need to debrief, not everyone does.

As it stands, anything that can wait, make it wait and just concentrate on the essentials here and now while both you and DH recover and enjoy your little boy