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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws give no privacy

70 replies

bled3 · 07/10/2019 23:30

Got a new baby coming .

Dreading the in laws coming

Last time they were very demanding .

Got annoyed when I needed to breastfeed and wanted privacy . Got angry when they were asked to give space for home visiting doctors etc

They even refused to leave the hospital cubicle when I wanted privacy breastfeeding a day after baby born !!!

Forced me to take pictures when I didn’t want to or feel ready by simply saying ‘ you will ‘ and then circulated photos of me looking raw without my top buttons done up .

It goes on .

AIBU to feel totally stressed about them turning up and harassing me again when baby born . Feel like making a plan like going to my mothers straight after baby born - just to avoid them trying to be in my face all day .

They don’t even want to help , they seem just want to establish their authority. Last time they bought some cousins of my OHs every time they visited and I was expected to hand baby around , despite the cousins having very little to do with OH or me

AIBU to establish a plan of when or how they visit .snd not wanting them hanging around for hours on end .

It makes me so upset that when baby is hungry they get annoyed they let it cry but won’t give baby back .

OP posts:
PlasticPatty · 07/10/2019 23:35

Your DH needs to tell them to back off.

And if you can get to your mother's, go. Let your mother look after you until you feel like facing the world.

You said 'Last time...'. Who will be caring for your older child?

Original poster
bled3 · 07/10/2019 23:38

I’d take the kids with me to mothers . Also got siblings to help when I’m in labour and need childcare

OP posts:
Original poster
bled3 · 07/10/2019 23:42

I think in laws have some insecurities as I come from a big family and they have an only child and a small family .

They say I’m not ‘ sharing ‘. But they want to see and know everything .

When my last due date passed my fin law rang my OH and was trying to find out how long it will be before I’m induced .

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 07/10/2019 23:45

Yes to going to your parents_that all sounds very stressful Flowers

Original poster
bled3 · 07/10/2019 23:50

So how much time do you think they should have in the first week after baby is born ?

Last time they spent more time at my house than anyone in my family , and my family decided to stay away to please them .

OP posts:
EileenAlanna · 07/10/2019 23:53

Your baby isn't a bag of sweets you have to pass round & "share" with everyone & anyone. Tell the hospital you don't want them allowed in during/after the birth & they won't get near you. You & baby are all the hospital's concerned about, quite rightly, so do whatever it takes for you to feel comfortable & relaxed.
Tell them (& OH) straight that they caused you too much stress & anxiety the last time that they've brought it on themselves, it's what you've decided & that's that, no more discussion.
Hope all goes well Flowers

sue51 · 07/10/2019 23:56

Don't tell them when you go into labour, only let them know the babies here when you feel you csn deal with them. Your DH also must get them to back off.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 07/10/2019 23:56

They sound like an absolute nightmare! personally I'd ban them from hospital and from my home for the first 10 days. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! And your DH had better be supporting uppity in enforcing them.

Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:00

Last time they put a lot of pressure on OH to text them as soon as I go into labour . They also texted me trying to work out if I’ve gone into labour yet

I know he was really under pressure.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 08/10/2019 00:03

You get to set the rules. If they are local I would limit the number of visitors at any one time, the length of the visit, and when it happens.

Maybe let just PIl with no extras come
For just a bit to meet the baby. Then send them home for a few days . Next visit, 2 people Max and not more than an hour. That doesn’t mean an hour of holding baby, just an hour long visit. You also reserve the right to change plans based upon how that day is going.

Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:06

They aren’t local . Last time they arrived straight away and stayed for three nights and I think they were expecting to be with us all day . 5 hours a day seemed like a compromise . They also do this horrible thing where they keep trying to suggest I need to put the baby down .

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 08/10/2019 00:11

This has given me the absolute rage OP! YANBU to protect your and baby’s privacy by any and all means!

What went through these people’s tiny minds when the decided to treat their grandchild like a commodity that had to be “shared” and their grandchild’s mother like a walking womb with no feelings of her own?
Where the fuck was your OH?? Tell him he needs to step up and look after you and your newborn this time and you will be requiring dignity and respect from his parents - no arguments about fairness or blah blah blah. If life was fair it would be HIS fanny and boobs going through it this time, but it isn’t so boo fucking hoo - what you need is top priority above his parents whims and rudeness Angry

katewhinesalot · 08/10/2019 00:12

Sound like a nightmare. You have to get your dh on board and set boundaries.
Start with gong tho your mothers.

Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:14

They complain abc guilt trip , moan about being a ‘ small family ‘.

They seem to regret not having a bigger family was their choice but I think and I am suffering the consequences of their regrets

OP posts:
Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:16

OH didn’t text them when I went into labour last time . They don’t know that my other baby was born 12 hours earlier than they think . But OH was very uncomfortable about lying to them and the atmosphere was horrendous .

OP posts:
Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:18

But as a result I couldn’t tell my own family or parents either .

OP posts:
WhatTiggersDoBest · 08/10/2019 00:19

It makes me so upset that when baby is hungry they get annoyed they let it cry but won’t give baby back .

My in laws did this when they came to visit. They literally had a go at me when I insisted that the baby's nappy needed changing. So frustrating.

Your DH needs to establish boundaries and be really clear. You and DH shouldn't reply to calls/texts when they're trying to find out if you're in labour, so by the time you actually are in labour, they won't know you're acting any differently.
Some MN advice that I used to see regularly but has faded away lately is "make sure they're more scared of pissing you off than of pissing off the other person (in this case, MIL/DIL)." It's true. My ILs used to regularly take the piss with a lot of things and now they know they have to be less shitty or face not seeing my DH at Christmas in any given year. Be a bit unreasonable. Delay replying to texts. Don't always answer the phone or door. Make them realize you and your babies aren't available for them to treat like dolls.

C8H10N4O2 · 08/10/2019 00:20

DH needs to grow a spine and consider his DC well being rather than just his own difficulties - that is part of being a parent.

In general I'd say try to work out a reasonable accommodation but if you really think its going to be a repeat of last time then is going to your DM's and having them stay locally and visit you there an option?

You DH may not be up to ensuring your privacy for doctor visits but your DM probably will be.

GenderfreeJoe · 08/10/2019 00:22

I would tell them after the event. No need to lie about birth times. Tell them when you want to. You're a grown up now, a parent. You decide. They don't get to call the shots. Do it. Honestly it's so liberating when you show people you're not going to get walked over. (I've been there.)

Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:26

I just wanted to be in my own home . I’d only be going to my mothers to escape my in laws . It feels horrible that I have to do that

OP posts:
Ce7913 · 08/10/2019 00:27

You need DWIL Nation

Rachelover60 · 08/10/2019 00:29

They do sound insensitive, bled. I honestly don't understand that attitude, it's unkind and no one should ever stress a nursing mother. Put your foot down. Go to your mum's if necessary or have her come to you and take charge. She can tell any would-be visitors, "Bled isn't ready for visitors yet", or "Come at such and such a time but don't stay more than half an hour, she needs her rest". Your husband should back you.

Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:30

My OH isn’t spineless I think he does his best but he struggles . They bully him and spend weeks not talking to him when they don’t get their way .

OP posts:
Original poster
bled3 · 08/10/2019 00:30

What is DWil Nation

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 08/10/2019 00:42

Is there a culture clash here OP?

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