In laws give no privacy

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Got a new baby coming .

Dreading the in laws coming

Last time they were very demanding .

Got annoyed when I needed to breastfeed and wanted privacy . Got angry when they were asked to give space for home visiting doctors etc

They even refused to leave the hospital cubicle when I wanted privacy breastfeeding a day after baby born !!!

Forced me to take pictures when I didn’t want to or feel ready by simply saying ‘ you will ‘ and then circulated photos of me looking raw without my top buttons done up .

It goes on .

AIBU to feel totally stressed about them turning up and harassing me again when baby born . Feel like making a plan like going to my mothers straight after baby born - just to avoid them trying to be in my face all day .

They don’t even want to help , they seem just want to establish their authority. Last time they bought some cousins of my OHs every time they visited and I was expected to hand baby around , despite the cousins having very little to do with OH or me

AIBU to establish a plan of when or how they visit .snd not wanting them hanging around for hours on end .

It makes me so upset that when baby is hungry they get annoyed they let it cry but won’t give baby back .

They sound awful, op. Make sure you let them know that it is the consequences of their behaviour last time that means you will keep them at arms length this time. Call them out on their appalling and disrespectful behaviour.
I think you need a long talk with DH . I think it would also be worth discussing your concerns with GP, midwife, baby group in DH's presence. Don't keep the bullies secrets for them. Your family need to have your back and possibly explain to DH that they expect more from him.

Jees that would piss me off. I can see why your struggling. Give me their number, I'll ring and tell them!!! Dicks.
Stand your ground and don't let them in if they turn up. You deserve this to be how you want it. Especially after last time

Maybe if you and your OH come up with some visiting rules you can stand strong together.
Have you already told them the due date? If not can you give them a false one?
I never understand why GP insist on being here from day 1 - clearly they are not doing the baby or the mother any favours. They will have plenty of time to bond with the baby later on.
Stay in your own house after the birth and tell them when YOU feel confortable visiting. I know it's hard for you and OH but imagine how nice it will be to be with your new little family in your own home when the baby is born.
And dont worry about upsetting them, they clearly are not worried about upsetting you or their own child.

Wait until a couple of weeks before your due date and then pick a fight with them about something unrelated to the baby. Have Dh join in. Hopefully the weeks of not talking to you will last long enough.

Also, block them from both your phones, get a cheap payg phone and give them that number, say its Dh’s new number. Then you can turn it off when they start pressuring.

Ultimately though you need to make dh understand that he needs to please you more than his mum. When things get too much, do not be a mature considerate adult, let it all out instead.

This is stressing me out just reading your posts and I’ve not had a newborn in years!

My ex in-laws would walk all over us in the early days when me and ex had our first baby. Ex did bugger all about it. It was me that took charge in the end. Once I started standing up for myself it got easier each time I had to deal with them, if that’s any consolation. I am not a naturally assertive person.

Your partner has been conditioned/guilt tripped over the years to be loyal to them and needs to practice being assertive towards them. And you feel free to tell them to back off (or fuck off- no one would blame you at this point). You’re not saying they’re to never visit after all but you want it on your terms. Understandably- you’d have just given birth. Your needs and wants trump theirs.

Simple - don't tell them when your in labour or had the. Baby have a few days at home alone first if they sulk tough shit even better they might go no contact with you all they sounds horrible but you must take control

Gosh that sounds stressful. Just keep saying no. And if they keep on get louder and louder. If your DH finds it uncomfortable dealing with them (i feel for him) ask him what would make him more uncomfortable, you moving in with your parents for 2 months or him controlling his family?

and as PP said and do it

good luck!

They’ve already proved that they’ll trample all over any boundaries that you try to set. I’d go straight from the hospital to your mother’s house until you feel like facing them.

Tell them you are having a c-section on X date... X date being a few days after you have actually had the baby.

My OH isn’t spineless

Maybe not but he is more afraid of them than you

Time to change that.
You also hold the power (quite literally) in the form of the baby.

they are ruining what should be a fab time for you
I’d be really clear upfront about ”the plan” and get DP on board with it - go straight to your mothers house and tell hospital in no uncertain terms they are not allowed in.

He needs to man up and you need to find your voice - tell them in no uncertain terms to back the fuck off.

“No, you need to give the baby back now”
“If you keep doing that you will need to leave”
“no that doesn’t work for us”

And control the situation...

Some brief points:

There is no 'sharing'. This is a baby, not a doll.
Taking photos without your permission will result in them being asked to leave.
They are not to bring uninvited people with them - that's just rude.
One conversation with your partner, where you point out that he has a responsibility to look after you and his children, especially when you have just given birth and are vulnerable.

If ILs start riding roughshod over your boundaries, then you make one call to your family to ask them to come and fetch you.

Stop tiptoeing around them - they don't give a crap about your feelings and privacy, so stop worrying about being nice and polite.

My OH isn’t spineless I think he does his best but he struggles

But what has he done since the last child was born to build his own ability to deal it? Or have they just continued to walk over you both?

I'm not trying to be harsh but if he doesn't work out a strategy to deal with this you will be enduring the same behaviours for the next 20 years so the focus needs to be immediate strategy for the birth and then a method for him to deal with his parents.

As I said - go to youru DMs. If he can't support you post natally you need to be with someone who can.

The more I think about this the simpler I think it is.

Anybody who refused to leave when asked to when I was breastfeeding would only be allowed to visit while child is breastfed age if somebody could effectively act as my bouncer and chuck them out at my request, physically if necessary. Not exaggerating.

Anybody who took photos of me in a vulnerable state having been told I don't consent, and then circulated them is an abusive A.hole and I'd insist all mobile phones and cameras were left outside in the car. That's if they were lucky enough to be allowed near me and my baby ever again. Anybody breaching this rule works get chucked out by said bouncer.

Anybody who tried again to insist I handed my baby around would be ejected immediately.

Anybody who got annoyed at my baby crying- ejected immediately.

Refused to hand baby back to me FOR ANY REASON EVER immediately loses all holding my baby privileges again ever. Refusing to give a hungry baby back to a breastfeeding mum is abuse.

I strongly suggest you and your partner take assertiveness training (from a book or internet if no other means) and keep somebody no nonsense around every time you allow these abusive arseholes anywhere near your family.

But frankly, I wouldn't hesitate to go very low and controlled contact with them and cite their abusive and controlling past behaviour as the reason. wet fart 'D'H can see them away from your home and children.

Seriously, get a personality transplant pronto.

You don’t have to put up with this. It’s also bad to let them manipulate you because it exposes your DH to more abuse. Ask him to tell them to back off (I appreciate it’s not always as easy as people on mn think it is). If he can’t do it then just go to your mother’s house and leave them a note saying you cant bring yourself to see them after their horrible behaviour last time, you will be in touch when you feel better. Then instruct your mother not to let them in because they will probably go to her demanding to see the baby if they know where she lives. I’ve been in your shoes and I really sympathise. Good luck

I think you need to ask yourself why you aren't standing up for yourselves more. Are you afraid of some kind of repercussions? These people do not own you. They can demand and you can say NO. You are adults. They aren't some kind of authority you need to give in to.

You need to remind them that this is YOUR (and partners) baby, they've had their turn with their kids.

Why not give them the responsibility of taking care of your older kid(s) and then go to your mum’s with the baby.

We’ve told them the baby is due a week later than it actually is .

I told OH to say two week later but he let me down . I’m really pissed off about it .

OP I suggest you read toxic in laws by Susan forward, and also check out the Captain Awkward blog.

Google 'enmeshed' relationships- it sounds like that what your DH has with his parents.

My DH and my in laws are very similar- they were a nightmare when our DC1 was born. You need strong boundaries and the ability to tune out their tantrums, but that's easy to say and hard to do