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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In laws give no privacy

70 replies

bled3 · 07/10/2019 23:30

Got a new baby coming .

Dreading the in laws coming

Last time they were very demanding .

Got annoyed when I needed to breastfeed and wanted privacy . Got angry when they were asked to give space for home visiting doctors etc

They even refused to leave the hospital cubicle when I wanted privacy breastfeeding a day after baby born !!!

Forced me to take pictures when I didn’t want to or feel ready by simply saying ‘ you will ‘ and then circulated photos of me looking raw without my top buttons done up .

It goes on .

AIBU to feel totally stressed about them turning up and harassing me again when baby born . Feel like making a plan like going to my mothers straight after baby born - just to avoid them trying to be in my face all day .

They don’t even want to help , they seem just want to establish their authority. Last time they bought some cousins of my OHs every time they visited and I was expected to hand baby around , despite the cousins having very little to do with OH or me

AIBU to establish a plan of when or how they visit .snd not wanting them hanging around for hours on end .

It makes me so upset that when baby is hungry they get annoyed they let it cry but won’t give baby back .

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 08/10/2019 00:49

Ok fair enough last time he tried to please them but this time, even after they proved to him they are not nice? After they were horrible to his wife after you had just given birth? After they sent around photos you didn't want? After they refused to leave the fucking hospital cubicle to give his vulnerable wife privacy? Even after all that will he not stand up to them? Because if he won't stand up to them after all that, now he knows what they are like, now he is prepared, if he doesn't step this time when you are vulnerable then actually yes he is spineless and you should go to your family and so what if they don't speak to him or you for weeks? I'd think of that as a happy consequence of their behaviour

monkeymonkey2010 · 08/10/2019 00:50

They say I’m not ‘ sharing ‘. But they want to see and know everything
This is a human being - not a fucking timeshare option! Angry

OP - you seriously need to start standing your ground and getting assertive with them.
If they decide to fall out with you - good riddance i say.

they seem just want to establish their authority
See, it's not really about wanting to enjoy and celebrate a new birth - it's all about being seen to be dominant.
They need putting in their place - and if your OH can't do it them you need to.

Don't feel sorry for them that they only have one child etc - that was their choice and no way in hell is it your job to 'compensate' them for that!
Tell them they can always go adopt or foster children if they feel that strongly.

They're going to ruin your time with your DC OP.
Your OH also needs to 'man up' and put his partner and children above his toxic family.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 08/10/2019 01:00

Oh god they sound hideous.

I think it's fair enough to say you're taking the first week to settle the baby in and recover. They are welcome to come for a short visit after that.

Then DH needs to actively manage them. If they pull out the camera, he needs to be ready to firmly tell them to put it away. If they don't move along when the doctor visits, DH needs to lead them out the door etc.

They are being incredibly rude to you, give yourself permission to be rude back as required.

I don't believe that all grandparents should be treated equally from the get go. You're the mum, you're recovering from birth and trying to establish breastfeeding. You should only be around people you find supportive and helpful.

The baby is not a toy. He/she is a vulnerable little person and so are you. It's not either of your job to host and amuse the masses.

HumptyDumptyHadAGreatFall · 08/10/2019 01:10

Don't announce the birth until you're home from the hospital. I announced it whilst in the hospital with my eldest and got so many unwanted visitors! I appreciate I'm in the minority but I hate visitors in the hospital.
Your husband needs to be straight with them too.

TheSerenDipitY · 08/10/2019 01:22

They bully him and spend weeks not talking to him when they don’t get their way
and that solves the issue for a few weeks
you need to take charge and put your foot down, you are the GATEKEEPER here, you control access to the child, lay down the law, some firm rules and stick to them
tell them this is how it will go... you will call when YOU are ready for them to meet baby... if they bug the shit out of you about it you will add a day's time for each time they bug you and actually do it
that when they come no one is to snatch baby from you or refuse to hand baby back, or you will not have them back for a month and actually do it
add in what ever rules you need to feel in control of the situation and explain to your husband that these rules will be obeyed and if he is not on board you will go stay with your mother for the next 6 months and no contact his family once in that time
force him to shine that spine

UniversalAunt · 08/10/2019 01:53

Firstly, no information about when you go into labour.
Have baby.
No visitors whilst you in hospital (other than DH, yr kids & yr mum).
Go to yr home or yr mums.
Strict visiting times on yr terms or your mums at hers.

I can understand their ‘enthusiasm’ after their small family, but this does not mean it is on their terms. This is your pregnancy, your labour, your fourth trimester - all on your terms.

Build a plan with DH about what your family life & schedule will be as you recover from the birth & baby settles in - think ahead for a few months. Maybe have an open visitor session once a week - say Sunday afternoon with slap up tea ( supermarket delivery is your friend) laid on & everybody out the door by 5pm.

Greenleaveslaughing · 08/10/2019 01:57

Poor you.
Tell them upfront, you want time by yourselves, as a family, when the baby arrives.
And that you are going to stay with your mother, with your family.

Tell them in advance so that they can get the moaning out of the way

I don’t know why people insist on upsetting new mothers, it drives me mad.
It’s your baby, and you will need to rest
It also annoys me that people don’t allow you any rest after having a baby.
Even though you may be home, it doesn’t mean you are fine.

UniversalAunt · 08/10/2019 02:01

Mr & Mrs Bled, the little Bleds & baby Bled invite you to afternoon tea on Sunday. Tea will be poured at 3pm. Buggies at 5pm.

Have your had done the day before. Put on a nice top, bit of lippy & dazzling smile. Any photos, you’ll look fab.

Maybe eek tea parties out to once a fortnight or month. Always, always & thrice always on your terms.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/10/2019 02:10

Where is your OH in all this? He needs to grow a spine. He's a grown man, not a child. It's time he started breaking his habits of obedience to his parent's whims. Tell him that if he won't do it himself, you will!

And you can have a 'quiet word' with the nursing staff at the hospital and they will enforce 'no visitors' and NO ONE can overrule them.

So, no word about when you go into labour, a 'no visitors' rule by staff, and then be whisked off to Mum's for R&R immediately upon release.

MrsNotNice · 08/10/2019 02:31

Discretely speak to the midwife and tell her to not allow them in, or at least tell them one person at a time and only for half an hour or so.

And then.. when discharged go to your mums.

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 08/10/2019 04:17

I know he was really under pressure.

Then it's time to be the screaming banshee bat out of hell level of crazy pressure on him yourself and forget any ideas you might have another feeling guilty about it. They need telling NOW, they overstepped the mark several times by quite some way last time, this time they will NOT be coming to the hospital and they will follow the mother's wishes at all times or off they immediately fuck. Is you'e mum or anybody else more assertive than you and DH? If so have her to stay. In fact have her and or a trustee friend fill up all your spare rooms so they can't stay in your house. See also just tell them NO and screaming banshee level of gate keeping. Except obviously don't actually frighten the kids.
But OH was very uncomfortable about lying to them and the atmosphere was horrendous

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2019 04:35

Why would you tell then when you're in labour? Why would you tell then when the baby is born? And WHY do you let them into your home? You ARE NOT powerless here. Stand up for yourself.

makingmammaries · 08/10/2019 04:40

Absolutely do not allow any of this. Let them strop as much as they want but do not tell them when baby is born, ask the midwives only to let in named people, and do not let them past the front door. You can say that you are doing that bonding thing that people on Mumsnet talk about. It sets my teeth on edge but here I think you should do it.

5zeds · 08/10/2019 04:44

IF they are willing get your own Mother to come and stay and deal with them. My cousins ILs were like this. Horrible.

donethinkin · 08/10/2019 04:49

They are abusive. Telling you “you will” have photos. Who the hell do they think they are?!? I would not stand for this.

0lapislazuli · 08/10/2019 05:45

You need to say no. Who cares if they get insulted. If they’re not happy, they can simply not visit. You hold all the cards here! You do what you need to do for you and your baby’s wellbeing.

Longtalljosie · 08/10/2019 05:51

I think you (and your family) are playing by rules which don’t apply here. Your DH is going to have to also accept he has a straight choice between his wife being bullied, or not. It is very difficult for people who’ve grown up with overbearing parents to accept it’s not normal. Perhaps the Toxic Parents book? Would he read it?

Ragwort · 08/10/2019 05:56

Your DH sounds like a wet blanket, I would be raging at him not your ILs, how old is he, 14?

So what if they don’t speak to him for a few weeks, problem solved. I have an only child, a DS, and wouldn’t dream of treating him & his wife like this.

Don’t tell your ILs when baby arrives but do tell your DH to tell them to back right off.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/10/2019 06:02

Last time your family didn’t get a look in. If they complain, you’d be within your rights to tell them it’s your parents turn - fairs fair. Fuck off and get out of my house also work. Your dh may need therapy to create boundaries against these arseholes.

Shoxfordian · 08/10/2019 06:04

Speak to your dh about how unacceptable their behaviour was last time and tell him you're not ok with it happening again. He needs to start standing up for you not allowing them to do whatever they want

whiteroseredrose · 08/10/2019 06:05

Believe me they have FAR more to lose should they decide to get huffy with your DH.

The power balance needs to shift and it can be done.

Be clear that you will tell them when you are ready and you will invite them over. Be clear about what is acceptable and what is not and stick to it.

They really won't want to miss out on their DGC so will get over themselves.

CustardCreamLover · 08/10/2019 06:20

This is terrible I feel so sorry for you OP! I didn't see my in laws for over a week after out son was born.

Just an idea which may not work from.your updates about your family staying away but could you get your mum to give you some back up if you don't go to her house? Sort of like a referee? So you park yourself in your room with little baby and she can be your 'gatekeeper' so to speak.

If not I would seriously consider telling your in laws to do one. They're risking not seeing any of their grandchildren this way!

MaybeitsMaybelline · 08/10/2019 06:24

If your Dh is an only one, and this is your second baby then you can quite easily remind them that their comments are not required as your are more experienced with babies than them now.

They wouldn’t know until after the birth, then we would say the birth was super quick, and they would be booked into a hotel with a pre-agreed slot for visiting.

MsTSwift · 08/10/2019 06:31

Op you have more power than you realise. Use it!

user1493413286 · 08/10/2019 06:39

I think before your baby is born you need to establish some ground rules for when baby arrives, let them know what they are and give them time to stamp their feet and complain but be clear that they won’t see the baby unless they keep to them. Your DH then needs to be strong when baby arrives to keep to it all.