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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I'm being controlling

67 replies

needsaadult · 07/10/2019 19:47

My DS is now 11 weeks old we have got him in a routine (he mainly did it himself) and we bath him and put him to bed at nine every night. I've recently went back to work as FOH staff and only do three hrs a night. My DH has went to his mams tonight which I'm not bothered about but he should of left when I started work but he's just left and I finish in a hour and he is always back late I wasn't happy because now he will be later than usual and DS will be late in bed which isn't fair to him. So basically I have told him he needs to be back for half nine or next time he's not allowed to take him over when I'm at work because he does this every time.

He's saying I'm being controlling and trying to stop him seeing his family which isn't the case he just shouldn't be out that late with DS.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 19:51

Yabu. Massively.

Babies arent damaged by an occasional later bed time.

He is the father of the baby. You can tell him he can not take the baby out.

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 19:51

can not tell him

arethereanyleftatall · 07/10/2019 19:51

I'm not sure op. Babies can fit around you. If it suits your family better for dc to go to bed at 9.30pm, and it seems to as you work 6-9 and your dh wants to see his mum, then maybe do that.

AloeVeraLynn · 07/10/2019 19:53

So basically I have told him he needs to be back for half nine or next time he's not allowed to take him over when I'm at work because he does this every time.

This is controlling. You really don't get to talk to someone like that, especially when it's about his baby too.
I think YABU generally, at 11 weeks there will be things that unsettle the routine anyway like teething and growth spurts.

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 19:54

At this age it doesn’t matter that much, babies sleep when they’re tired.

How late are we talking here?

Also there’s way of trying to get your point across OP, telling a father he won’t be able to take his baby to visit his parents if he’s not back at a certain time isn’t one of them.

RedskyLastNight · 07/10/2019 19:54

You can still put him to "bed" at 9pm, even if you are not at home. If your baby is in such a good routine, he will likely drop off then anyway.

Actually when we went out for the evening when the DC were little, we found it much easier to be out/travelling at bedtime, rather than get home and rush the baby to bed.

WaterSheep · 07/10/2019 19:56

Of course it's controlling. You've told an adult, and the father of the baby, that he has to be home by 9.30pm, or else he can't take his own child out.

How could that not be seen as controlling.

Oysterbabe · 07/10/2019 19:56

Yabu. He's 11 weeks old and it won't make any difference if he goes to bed in a car seat then is transferred.

Original poster
needsaadult · 07/10/2019 19:56

I should have mentioned he does this every night I am at work last time he didn't come back until half eleven and I'm sure he only takes DS to his mums house so he doesn't have to look after him then he goes over there and says he gets up all night and does all sorts for him when that isn't really the case I can't even remember the last time he changed him 😒

OP posts:
NearlyGranny · 07/10/2019 19:57

Well, as long as he doesn't leave it all the bedtime routine up to you when he brings baby back! You've just finished a shift so need to relax a bit.

user1493413286 · 07/10/2019 19:57

Unless it then causes your baby to be up all night or unsettled then Yabu. I used to keep DD in a routine as it’d make life a lot harder for me and she’d be miserable but the odd half hour if it had no impact wouldn’t worry me

AloeVeraLynn · 07/10/2019 19:58

So now the drip drip begins

Hesafriendfromwork · 07/10/2019 19:58

Quite a big drip feed after people dont agree with you.

WaterSheep · 07/10/2019 19:59

Indeed Aloe. it's gone from he's out late, to this happens every day and he doesn't even change his own child. Hmm

RedskyLastNight · 07/10/2019 20:00

So do you want to change to "AIBU that my DH never does anything to look after the baby - when I'm at work he always goes to his mum's?" Maybe more people will agree with you?

It sounds like you're both in early baby exhaustion and are finding reasons to snipe at each other? Why not actually talk to each other?

Original poster
needsaadult · 07/10/2019 20:03

I don't work every night I only do Monday and Thursday because he wouldn't have him every night. I'm not bothered about him helping out during the week because he works too throughout the day so I don't mind I just wish he wouldn't palm him off every time he has him on his own and then bring him back really late. Maybe IABU

OP posts:
Vulpine · 07/10/2019 20:03

Cant he look after the baby at home

Countrylifeornot · 07/10/2019 20:17

I'd find 11pm a bit late for a tiny baby to be out, especially as the cold nights are coming in.
Can't his Mam visit him at your place?

Abouttimemum · 07/10/2019 20:17

I totally get it. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. My boy is 6 months and goes to bed at 6.30pm and we only make exceptions for special events (dinners / weddings / birthdays etc). Your little one is still very young and it’s correct that they will just sleep when they need to currently.

but bedtime won’t be at 9pm forever - it will need to be earlier in the future - so what will he do then? Either way you need to be on the same page about it now. Don’t tell him what to do though - it needs to be an agreed conversation - he is the baby’s father after all!!

Our boy has the same routine / times whether he’s looked after by me or hubby or grandparents. He sleeps through 12 hours and has done since we started putting him to bed at 6.30 at around 4 months (bar a one week sleep regression at his corrected 4 month age - he was premature)

It’s got to be a constant conversation. My hubby and I are currently trying to get on the same page about weaning - we have some differing views but once ironed out we’ll be good to go - team effort!!

MrsAJ27 · 07/10/2019 20:23

I don't think yabu bringing the baby home at 11:30pm is taking the piss. However you should probably discuss this properly rather than demanding and telling your partner what to do.

nestisflown · 07/10/2019 20:30

No YANBU... not from the first post or your later additional info. I hate it when new fathers try accuse mothers of being "controlling" just because mum has asked dad to look after their child like a sensible adult. Yet I imagine it's you that'll be up in the night once your baby inevitably loses the routine.

If your husband is willing to suffer the consequences of screwing up your baby's routine and will stay up with him to fix it, then yabu. If it's you that's expected to manage the routines and night wakings then YANBU, not in the slightest.

Original poster
needsaadult · 07/10/2019 20:32

I tried to speak to him about it last Thursday when he brought him home that late but he just said he was tired couldn't be arsed to talk about it and put the car seat on the floor and went to bed leaving me to get the little one sorted for bed he just doesn't seem bothered when it's me who gets up with him during the night when he is unsettled

OP posts:
SherbetSaucer · 07/10/2019 20:34

YABU!!! He’s his son too!! Not like the 11 week old baby has plans the next day is it?

leghairdontcare · 07/10/2019 20:40

Man takes small child to visit nearest convenient woman when child's mother is unavailable. I think we could all see that drip feed a mile off tbf.

If he's not able to step up and parent then I'd be very sceptical about his accusations of you being controlling.

MollyButton · 07/10/2019 20:46

If at all possible you should make sure that he has to deal with the consequences of keeping baby up late.
This is what I wish I had been able to do when my husband looked after our children when little, and then let them stay up to late. It's the next day that the consequences happen.

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