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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He says I'm being controlling

67 replies

needsaadult · 07/10/2019 19:47

My DS is now 11 weeks old we have got him in a routine (he mainly did it himself) and we bath him and put him to bed at nine every night. I've recently went back to work as FOH staff and only do three hrs a night. My DH has went to his mams tonight which I'm not bothered about but he should of left when I started work but he's just left and I finish in a hour and he is always back late I wasn't happy because now he will be later than usual and DS will be late in bed which isn't fair to him. So basically I have told him he needs to be back for half nine or next time he's not allowed to take him over when I'm at work because he does this every time.

He's saying I'm being controlling and trying to stop him seeing his family which isn't the case he just shouldn't be out that late with DS.
AIBU?

OP posts:
Sayhellotothethings · 07/10/2019 20:48

Depends really.

My DH struggles when our baby gets over tired and will ask me to take over baby duties. Missing her nap and bed time will make her over tired. He recently suggested he would go out for a meal with family during these times while I went for a drink with friends. I got a bit annoyed and asked him not to, because our DD no longer sleeps when out and this would result in him feeling overwhelmed and me being asked to come home when she was over tired.

If you are asking just because you want the baby to sleep at home then I think YABU if it will sleep out. If it won't and the headache of settling baby will be on you, YANBU.

GPatz · 07/10/2019 20:49

He wants to keep the baby out, he puts the baby to bed.

HeyNotInMyName · 07/10/2019 20:52

How is your baby reacting to be in bed at 11.00pm?
If said baby is grumpy and unsettled all day (and maybe during the night), then YANBU.

If you have a baby that jst sleep longer in the morning, the YABU.

The reason why he goes to his mum is a separate issue. And needs tackling too (why is it that he cant look after his own dc, esp in the evening when he will have little to do??)

heartsonacake · 07/10/2019 20:55

Wow. YABVVVU and extremely controlling. This behaviour is unacceptable.

He is the baby’s dad, an equal parent to you. You don’t get to tell him he’s “not allowed” to do anything with your son and vice versa.

Mummy0ftwo12 · 07/10/2019 20:59

So whenever he's meant to look after the baby he gets his mum to take over? if that's happening every time you go to work then i think you need to have a chat.

ThatssomebadhatHarry · 07/10/2019 21:02

In the circumstances you have described in your update yanbu. Maybe word it differently. If my dh did this I would be in bed by then and expect him to deal with it. If baby is grotty due to the late evening he would be dealing with it.

Tooner · 07/10/2019 21:05

Sounds like he can't be bothered to look after baby himself so takes him to his mothers when you're not there, especially as you say he dumps him on the floor in his car seat and leaves you to settle him.

I would not be happy about this and you are not being unreasonable, he is lazy.

UndertheCedartree · 07/10/2019 21:26

Babies of that age are very portable and don't need a bath every night. Surely dad can feed and settle him in his pram or car seat. I have sweet memories of being around someones house and chatting while rocking my babies in their car seat!

anothernamejeeves · 07/10/2019 21:44

Please don't allow the baby to be put to sleep in the car seat it really isn't safe for extended periods

firelightbright · 07/10/2019 21:52

Another adult male that can't look after a baby for a few hours. My three were in a routine as soon as possible, went to bed at 7 every night and slept through from 10/12 weeks. The odd late night won't harm a child but your partner seems like a baby himself!

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 07/10/2019 22:00

He’s shirking. Why can’t he stay at home with his own child by himself for a few hours? Confused I mean- it three hours! All babies do is sleep at 11 weeks old! He sounds like a lazy git. My ex would do exactly this. I hated it. I probably came across as controlling too when I objected to him decamping go his mums every time I wasn’t there for 5 minutes.

Polly111 · 07/10/2019 22:10

I don’t think you’re unreasonable in wanting the baby to be back at 9 when you get back from work, but I think you need to be really careful how you discuss it so that it doesn’t come across as telling him what to do.

It’s totally unreasonable for him to come back at 11 and plonk the baby down expecting you to sort everything out, he should put the baby to bed. I’m guessing it also stops you from being able to go to bed until they’re back.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 08/10/2019 00:51

YANBU

Why does he need to go out every time? Is he unwilling to look after the baby alone?

Sleep is important, especially if you're working. I think the way you communicated probably wasn't great (then again, you have a newborn and are back at work so I think you should get some slack in terms of how you're phrasing things!)

I think it's fair enough to expect your partner to stick to the schedule that you're working hard to get into place. It's also fair enough to expect him to mind his own child for three hours without needing help from his family.

justheretostalk · 08/10/2019 00:53

Yes you’re being controlling.

An 11 week old baby literally doesn’t give a shit what time they go to bed.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 08/10/2019 06:13

YAB hugely U!!!! At that age the baby is too young for a routine anyway! And babies can sleep anywhere! AND a routine isn’t so imagine portant that it trumps seeing family or having a life!

No13 · 08/10/2019 06:17

Controlling.

rwalker · 08/10/2019 06:25

yeah controlling
And for those presuming because he's a man and doing it to avoid looking after his child , at 11 week weeks old it's changing feed and sleep. It's harder work getting stuff together and going to his mums

lifeforus · 08/10/2019 06:32

rwalker how is it harder going to his mums? Can bet your life OP has all the bottles sorted and changing bag packed. Odds on he's putting baby in the car, driving to his mums and letting her look after the baby while he sits on his useless arse getting fed and watered.
OP I don't think YaBu, if your baby is in a good routine I wouldn't want it messed up just so he can have an easy life either. Nothing to stop him going to his mums earlier and being back for 8.30/9 to put baby to bed.

DeathStare · 08/10/2019 06:33

I think there are two issues here that you are merging into one.

I think YABU to try to tell him what he can do and where he can go on the nights you are working (as long as the baby is cared for). Would you like him trying to tell you where you can go when he is at work? However if he is the one who takes the baby out of the usual routine, he should be the one to deal with the consequences.

I think YANBU to want him to do more with the baby rather than leaving it all to you (or his DM). But you are probably better dealing with this by getting him to do it on the nights you are there rather than on the nights you aren't.

PixieDustt · 08/10/2019 06:47

YABU and controlling.
You can't really tell him what he can and can't do with his son.
If you're only doing two nights a week and he stays out a little later it really isn't going to affect your DS. In all honesty your DS routine will more than likely change soon anyway

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 08/10/2019 06:50

I don't think you're being controlling. You had a baby 11 weeks ago and you're back at work. Do you have to be back at work yet? You've worked hard to get a routine in place that works and your OH doesn't particularly care, it seems.

slipperywhensparticus · 08/10/2019 07:01

I would let him take the baby to his moms at least you know the baby is being looked after but he does bedtime when he gets back...is he working

Original poster
needsaadult · 08/10/2019 07:14

So he got back last night at 10:45 woke me up because I had fell asleep on the sofa and asked me to feed DS then he went to bed. I don't have to be back at work but we've recently moved into our house so the bills are just starting to sort out he works full time and gets a good wage so my hours just top it up to help us be more comfortable DS was up three times during the night whereas he's normally up once at the most hence me trying to stick to the nine routine

OP posts:
rwalker · 08/10/2019 07:15

rwalker how is it harder going to his mums
no point in replying you have already written him off as useless

Original poster
needsaadult · 08/10/2019 07:20

@rwalker how is it harder going to his mums? All he had to do was put DS in his car seat and drive ten mins down the road and dump him on his mum. I had the bag ready and the bottles sorted because I knew he would go to his mums and he always forgets something

OP posts:
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