He says I'm being controlling

[needsaadult]

My DS is now 11 weeks old we have got him in a routine (he mainly did it himself) and we bath him and put him to bed at nine every night. I've recently went back to work as FOH staff and only do three hrs a night. My DH has went to his mams tonight which I'm not bothered about but he should of left when I started work but he's just left and I finish in a hour and he is always back late I wasn't happy because now he will be later than usual and DS will be late in bed which isn't fair to him. So basically I have told him he needs to be back for half nine or next time he's not allowed to take him over when I'm at work because he does this every time.

He's saying I'm being controlling and trying to stop him seeing his family which isn't the case he just shouldn't be out that late with DS.
AIBU?

DS was up three times during the night whereas he's normally up once at the most

Then your DH needs to be the one up with him. If he wants to take him out of a routine that works well, then that's fine, that's his choice, But he also has to be the one who deals with the consequences.

Your DH also needs to not wake you to feed the baby if he brings him home late.

Let him get the bags and bottles ready

I had the bag ready and the bottles sorted because I knew he would go to his mums and he always forgets something
Well stop doing that, for starters.
I think you are controlling to say he is "not allowed" to go to his mums, but Toure not unreasonable to be annoyed that he does this. Maybe you could discuss it in an adult way rather than telling him off like a child.

Yes the problem is the routine disruption is affecting you
Get it to effect him. Be in bed when he gets back get him to feed and do the wake up Ans see rather consequences

Reminds me of my ex I would ask him to help with housework even if it meant watching the baby so he would take her to his moms she thought he was looking after the baby constantly and told him he should kick me out of my house and keep the baby the house was mine and he didn't even change a nappy unless someone was watching

He always used the stuff out the changing bag to change her when we had guests so I emptied it he said where are the nappy? I answered where they are usually kept.......apparently I "humiliated him" in front of his mom my mom wouldn't stop sniggering

YABa bit U telling him when he can go out with the baby. Small babies are portable (that's the best thing about them, IMO)

However he is being U in not looking after his own child. Perhaps you should rethink getting the bag ready for him? If he wants to go out and he forgets something, I'm sure your baby will be fine, but he will learn more about what a baby needs that way.

Also if you are in bed "asleep" (or really asleep) when he gets home - would he wake you up to put the baby to bed, or do it himself?

I literally can’t believe how many people are ok with dragging a baby around at all hours of night. No wonder poor baby is up all hours during the night. You’re right for sticking to a routine OP, and he’s being unreasonable for not supporting the good practice you are trying to get in place. The top and bottom of it is he can’t be bothered to look after his own baby for a couple of hours. All he has to do is feed her, change her and put her to bed for god’s sake.

Coming in late and waking you to see to the baby he has kept out late is VVU.

He needs to be doing bottles himself on his nights. Show him once, if he really doesn't know how, and let him get on with it. Make sure he knows not to wake you once you've gone to bed, and do go to bed, don't wait up.

This is a weird routine he's got into. Does he feel anxious about being in sole charge of his child or is it shirking, do you think? Either way, he's acting like an overgrown kid, isn't he, when you need a full partner?

YABU a bit

Ok things I would change.

Stop packing the changing bag and preparing bottles. He’s a parent- he can do this himself. Does he pack them for you when he’s going to work and leaving you with baby? No

If baby is disturbed during the nights he has taken her out then he gets up and deals with it.

If he gets back late- HE feeds her and puts her to bed.

Do you start work at 8? I’d move baby’s bedtime to 7:30. Get her bathed and fed and all snuggled up before you go. Would he really wake her to get her coated and hatted to take to his mums then?

Sorry- your baby is a boy!

This is so common and predictable. He has no interest in being a parent. As soon as you leave the house he hands the baby to his mum. What a waste of space he is. Remember this, or you'll be back in a few years with 3 kids and he'll be nowhere to be found.

I have been here.
Dp would leave at 8 to go and see his mum, dad and sister (because they had to have dinner before they seen baby)
He did not listen when I said baby was coming back at 10/10.30 grumpy because he has been passed around and not had his 9pm feed and bed.
I would be up 3 or 4 times during the night as opposed to once when he is in his routine.
Eventually I made him get up every single time baby was up due to the change in routine.
He did one sleepless night and text his mother in the morning (no prompting from me) saying they had to fit visits around baby. He went to work on 2/3 hours sleep and it never happened again.

Some babies just cope better in a routine.
My oldest would fall asleep anywhere and be unfazed by changes.

Why dont you make him get up and deal with the consequences of late nights?

No way are you controlling. I suspect he is a bit afraid of being left alone with the baby. Yes, yes, I know he’s the baby’s dad, but there is no manual and it doesn’t come naturally to everyone. I would start by getting him involved with the bedtime routine until he can do it himself unsupervised (with you still there) and hopefully this will help him be more comfortable being alone with baby.

I try to make him get up during the night but he just ignores me or says in a minuet and I can't stand listening to DS scream while I'm waiting for DH to get up so I just do it anyway. I can't move bedtime to 7:30 I start work at 6 sometimes 5:30 just depends what time DH gets home from work. I have thought about taking to his mum about it all but I think she would just take his side and say IABU

Ok so we've established he's a shit dad - won't do night feeds, won't do nappy changes, not willing to 'babysit' so you can work more, takes the baby to his mums during the 6 hours a week he's expected to pull his weight and ignores the baby when he cries in the night.

Not looking good is it? I hope you are doubling up on contraception so you don't get pregnant again with him.

Thread has changed dramatically since you were told yabu
My point about going to his mums isn't the easy option
You say you get all the bottle ready DS settles do all he would have to do is give him a bottle that you already do for him and put him to bed .
I get all 11 week olds are different but all mine wanted was a bottle feed and sleep so tbh not much looking after at all .
Perhaps he feel undermined and over ruled and prefers to visit his mum when you are at work .