Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one!

73 replies

cavendish4 · 07/10/2019 12:49

Hi all,

I'm MOH for a good friend from work. It is a bit odd I'm her moh as she has friends that she's closer to but I think I'm the only one she's ever been herself to and all other friends are somehow intertwined with her H2B who is very controlling.

They make no secret of how wealthy they are. They were also given £40k for the wedding from parents.

I've just received a message asking for over £100 for my room the night of the wedding as they expect me to stay on site. I'm finding it a bit ridiculous. It's a lot of money when I also need to take the Friday off work to help out with setting up for the Saturday and also stay somewhere the Friday night (not yet been discussed where).

What would you do / is it unreasonable?

FWIW we are getting married after and have paid for their accommodation for two nights.

OP posts:
popehilarious · 07/10/2019 12:53

No, if your stay is needed for the wedding prep etc then they should pay.

popehilarious · 07/10/2019 12:55

Sorry just re-read and see that it's the night of the wedding they want you to stay? Why? Have they got stuff planned the next day? They should really be paying for both nights for you.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 12:55

FWIW we are getting married after and have paid for their accommodation for two nights

What? Why? Is she your MOH too?

katkit · 07/10/2019 12:56

yanbu!

AllFourOfThem · 07/10/2019 12:56

I think you should have asked what her expectation were of her MOH before accepting. Maybe this is why her closer friends declined.

Leeds2 · 07/10/2019 12:57

I would pay for the accommodation for two nights (even though I think bride and groom should pay for at least one of them), and tell them that they have to pay for their own accommodation at your wedding. They can hardly argue about it!

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 12:58

Does she know you're paying for her accommodation? I'd withdraw the offer if you can.

I think I'd be saying you can't afford two nights accom there so will be booking into a less expensive B&B down the road and do two nights there. Will be far easier than swapping lodgings in the wedding day

holidays987 · 07/10/2019 12:58

How far away is it from you, do you actually need to stay?

If yes, I don't think it's unreasonable that you're asked to pay but you certainly shouldn't pay for their accommodation at your wedding for two nights!

MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 12:59

"Yeah no problem, but that'll mean I can't afford to cover your accommodation at my wedding so I will need $xxxx for that."

LagunaBubbles · 07/10/2019 13:01

Why are you paying for their accomodation at your wedding? Confused

TidyDancer · 07/10/2019 13:10

Do what @MySonIsAlsoNamedBort has suggested. You shouldn't have to pay for the room.

Original poster
cavendish4 · 07/10/2019 14:09

We are paying for their accom as we want our guests on site. Just like their venue, paying for the venue includes the rooms, so we are giving them a room as she will most likely be my MOH, I've not yet asked my bridal party.

I was the only person she asked to be MoH and the only person she wanted for it! I'm currently breaking my back organising the hen do which is a small fortune. As is customary, we are absorbing the hen's cost and now I'm very angry.

I don't live anywhere near the venue, the venue isn't where they live either it's where she grew up, about 60-70miles from where we all live.
There is a breakfast the morning after the wedding which they want us to stay for.
Also annoyed at losing valuable annual leave for their wedding, because I'm off at different times with DP who is a teacher my annual leave is already used up so I have to "buy" this day off (company allows you to do this) so it's costing even more!

OP posts:
MySonIsAlsoNamedBort · 07/10/2019 14:13

Why did you agree to be her maid of honour if you're annoyed you have to take annual leave for it? You can't enjoy her that much if that annoys you, you should have said no.
I'm Best Girl at my friends wedding next year and I can not think of anything I'm happier to take annual leave for!
Seems like you have a lot of issues that come with being MoH, why don't you just tell her with your schedule it isn't really for you and you'd prefer to just go as a guest.

OrangeSlices998 · 07/10/2019 14:13

Can’t you stay somewhere local and just come back for breakfast? It’ll hardly ruin anyone’s evening where you’re sleeping! Or if she’s such a good friend you’re each other’s MOH then tell her you’re a bit financially stretched and can pay her for it next month if that’s okay? Or just be brutally honest that you’re paying for her accommodation and are surprised she isn’t doing the same?

I’m getting married next year and we have to book all the rooms too for exclusive hire - however we aren’t paying for anyone’s individual room but are contributing to the cost of the rooms for whoever is staying to make it a little more affordable. However there are rooms elsewhere they’re welcome to use!

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/10/2019 14:14

I think you have 3 options -

Suck it up and feel annoyed about it

Just say to her that you are struggling to afford it, youve already used your savings on buying AL and on the hen do, and ask if there is any alternative option eg someone you could share a room with, could you get up early and travel on the day, stay in a cheap b and b nearby. If she says no, you can either stand down as her MoH and save yourself the money or hassle (I guess might be awkward if you have to work together) or at least just bin your plan to pay for her at your wedding and just demand she stay over instead

TabbyMumz · 07/10/2019 14:59

I really think brides and grooms expect a lot of their bridesmaids and moh's....expecting them to be on site the day before and day after...as if they need to be available at all times to look after them I expect . It used to be that bridesmaids just turned up on the day and looked pretty for the photos. Now they are expected to arrange hen do's too. Also with hotels expecting people to hire all the rooms out as part of the deal, then the bride and groom passing this cost on to family that they expect to stay....well into the next day. Honestly, it all seems a bit mad to me.

regmover · 07/10/2019 15:27

I don't know why you can't just say no. That's it really. I'd just say "Thanks for the invite to stay the night after, but I'll be going home". And stick to it. No excuses, no "sorry, but..." Just no thanks, I'd rather go home and relax.

usernamerisnotavailable · 07/10/2019 15:36

100 quid for a room is hardly expensive though is it. Would you even be able to find something cheaper nearby? If you're so far away then surely you have to stay the night of the wedding?

I have only once ever had accommodation paid for a wedding and it was overseas and the couple are multimillionaires. I would always expect to pay.

yikesanotherbooboo · 07/10/2019 15:39

I would expect B&G to pay for the room the night before the wedding but not for the night after when you could go home. If they are insistent that you stay then they should pay for that night too.

thecatsthecats · 07/10/2019 15:40

I find it hard to imagine asking someone to be my maid of honour whilst simultaneously resenting booking a day of holiday for their wedding!

Being miffed about the £100+ - ok, ish. I did pay for all our wedding party's rooms at my wedding. All were surprised though, and have all been in other weddings before, and it was the first time they'd been paid for.

Any individual element isn't reasonable or unreasonable, it just does sound like you don't like her very much?

AlrightTreacle · 07/10/2019 15:43

YABU to expect them to pay for your accommodation. My friend recently got married and asked me if I wanted a room at the venue it would be £120, I simply said thank you for thinking of me but I've found a nice B&B nearby that's cheaper per night (half the price!), so will stay there the Friday and Saturday. Say something similar. And don't take the day off work on Friday if you don't want to or can't afford to Confused.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/10/2019 16:07

It sounds a bit as if she's forgetting that you are also getting married this year, which is going to be expensive for you.
I'd also be a bit miffed having paid for their accomodation at your wedding for two nights to be ask to pay £100 for your room, esp as they have been given £40k towards costs and especially as the hen night appears to be costing a lot.
It doesn't seem to be very equal.
You have to tell her this. Maybe she hasn't realised and would be horrified that you feel this way.
Work out what you do and don't want to do.. and then speak up.
Also decide who you want to be MOH.. at your own wedding. If its her then it will be more equal as she will presumably be doing the same things for you.
But given that you haven't decided yet, it doesn't sound like she is your first choice, particularly since you were surprised to be asked to be hers and it doesn't sound like you like her HTB much. Best of luck with your decisions.

CocoLoco87 · 07/10/2019 17:03

Have you told her how you're feeling? Maybe she's oblivious to how put out you are by all this 🤷‍♀️

Pinkyyy · 07/10/2019 17:06

This won't be the last expense she springs on you, I guarantee it. Say no now before you allow it to spiral into costing you a fortune.

elessar · 07/10/2019 17:19

If she's insisting you stay there it's a bit off to ask you to pay but I doubt you have to stay on site if you can find somewhere cheaper (although make sure to factor in taxi costs as they can add up as well)

To be honest though why don't you just pay it, and then ask her to pay her share for your wedding accommodation?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.