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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A wedding one!

73 replies

cavendish4 · 07/10/2019 12:49

Hi all,

I'm MOH for a good friend from work. It is a bit odd I'm her moh as she has friends that she's closer to but I think I'm the only one she's ever been herself to and all other friends are somehow intertwined with her H2B who is very controlling.

They make no secret of how wealthy they are. They were also given £40k for the wedding from parents.

I've just received a message asking for over £100 for my room the night of the wedding as they expect me to stay on site. I'm finding it a bit ridiculous. It's a lot of money when I also need to take the Friday off work to help out with setting up for the Saturday and also stay somewhere the Friday night (not yet been discussed where).

What would you do / is it unreasonable?

FWIW we are getting married after and have paid for their accommodation for two nights.

OP posts:
Original poster
cavendish4 · 07/10/2019 17:37

The issue with not asking about costs involved beforehand is that she said it was included. Her venue isn't a "rent all the rooms for private hire" type - the venue is one price and includes all rooms, it's not a hotel and you couldn't stay there if you weren't getting married there too.

The annual leave thing was also sprung on me "please take Friday off before the wedding too"

And the hen do she wants is £400 per person!!! Also requiring annual leave.

I was fine to suck up the cost of hen do and fine to do ALL the planning and fine to take annual leave but then when I got the message it felt like a kick in the teeth from people who regularly go on about how rich they are.

Additionally, she didn't even send the message. Her fiancé text me.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 07/10/2019 17:38

It is very kind of you to pay for your guests accommodation at your wedding, but I've never had mine paid for at any wedding I've attended and £100 is fairly reasonable for a room. I'd just pay it.

rookiemere · 07/10/2019 17:39

Ah sorry cross post, you should have said no to taking the day off work - never heard of MOH having to take day off before wedd

rookiemere · 07/10/2019 17:41

Oops posted too soon - shouldn't have taken day off before wedding and said no to the hen do for costing so much. Doesn't sound like you know her well enough to be her MOH which should have rung alarm bells when she asked initially.

Phuquocdreams · 07/10/2019 17:41

I’ve been bridesmaid 3 times and never had my accomodation paid for me. I wouldn’t expect it either, I have to admit.

ReadyPayerTwo · 07/10/2019 17:53

At our wedding all immediate family, MOH and best man and partners had their accommodation paid for by us. I thought that was normal.

FeckOffGraham · 07/10/2019 18:04

Didn't pay for anyone's accommodation at our wedding I don't think... except our own. But then most people could just get a cab home from the venue. It was close to my home town.

I was also BM for a friend and didn't have anything paid for other than dress, hair and makeup. I did the same for ky BMs and MoH.

Isitnearlyweekend · 07/10/2019 18:04

I’m still trying to work out what MOH is.

Actionhasmagic · 07/10/2019 18:09

I think there’s not a great culture around how much brides expect their bridal party and family/friends to do and pay for. It’s stressful and expensive and takes a lot of the fun out of something that money can’t buy - love! In your position I would not pay for her room when you get married so it works out equal.

Actionhasmagic · 07/10/2019 18:11

£400 for a hen do Is a lot. I’ve been on 2 abroad hen dos which I had an okay time on and I wouldn’t go on another one.

Actionhasmagic · 07/10/2019 18:12

Also when I got married I said to my bridesmaids I just wanted a sleepover with the girls. It was close to Xmas and I didn’t want people going broke in December. We stayed in a really cool air b n b and drank a champagne and played games.

joaninthesun · 07/10/2019 18:22

Have you dresses sorted? Will that be the next bill, pay for your own dress, makeup etc?

Idontwanttotalk · 07/10/2019 18:29

Wtf - they've been given £40k for their weddng yet you need to spend the day before setting up for the wedding? Don't you pay someone to do that for you when you're spending that kind of money?

I wouldn't expect to do that as MOH. I would probably pay it but when it comes to your wedding I'd make damn sure they paid for the 2 nights. I certainly wouldn't pay for them when it isn't reciprocated.

CocoLoco87 · 07/10/2019 18:33

And why is she being your MOH when you don't seem to be that keen on her Confused

Windydaysuponus · 07/10/2019 18:34

Text her and ask if there has been a misunderstanding - - she can hardly accept you paying for her but insist you pay for yourself imo...
Slippery Road to cfery...

RealMermaid · 07/10/2019 18:45

I think that it just feels more unreasonable to you than it is because you're not taking the same approach for your wedding. At my wedding we gave wedding party the opportunity to stay over at the venue if they were happy to pay for the rooms or alternatively they could arrange cheaper accommodation nearby if they preferred, which I don't think was unreasonable and all bar one decided to stay. If we had paid for all guests accommodation ourselves it would have added almost two grand to the bill which would have been a massive hike in costs!

RiftGibbon · 07/10/2019 18:46

Bloody hell, how entitled of her. If she must have you "on site" then she should be paying for it.

I was MOH for someone a few years ago. I arranged a very flexible hen do, with a number of events that people could come to, and a meal/drinks in the evening.
Everyone paid their own way, but I did fork out for a few frills that I felt added to the day.

crispysausagerolls · 07/10/2019 18:49

“dear Bride - since your room at our wedding is 200£ rather than I give you 100£ now and you give it back to me with another 100£ in X number of months, why not just call it even?”

Elbels · 07/10/2019 18:49

I've been a bridesmaid a few times and I've always paid for my own accomodation the night before and the night of, I can't see anything unreasonable in what she's suggested.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 18:55

OK, text her and say heyoure confused, you just got the text off her fiance asking for money but your understanding as the rooms came as part of the package was that you weren't expected to "pay" for something that has no cost.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 18:56

@Elbels the couple aren't paying for the rooms. The wedding costs X and includes the rooms. Now the fiance has realised he can randomly charge people and make some money back.

Awrite · 07/10/2019 18:59

Well, you've been given loads of good advice on this thread and all you've done is give reasons as to why you won't stand up for yourself.

CoatTails · 07/10/2019 18:59

MOH = maid of honour

Elbels · 07/10/2019 19:15

@SleepingStandingUp oh yes I do understand that but that's not that uncommon either for the type of venue. Ones I've seen even suggest room rates to charge your guests if you're hiring everything all together and people are staying on site.

SleepingStandingUp · 07/10/2019 19:19

But then you tl your guests up front, not say its all included, I need you to stay over and then ask for money.

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