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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by this?

67 replies

Platypusmama · 07/10/2019 11:15

Thought that me and MiL got on relatively well, OH travels a lot so I bring my little one to see her at least once a week, sometimes more. Have had some trouble in the past with comments she has made that have upset me, can mention them later but don’t want it to cloud the judgement on this post. Point is we were (I thought?) very close. She taught me to knit, to use a sewing machine etc.

Brought DD to see her last night and we stayed over. This morning while I was getting ready I saw a little photo album on the side in the living room amongst other photos of dd. On the front of it it has “family far and wide” written. Inside is photos of dd with her dad, her grandpa, her auntie (OH’s sister), a random cousin from OH’s dad side (they’re divorced) plus some other random photos of random people I’ve never seen/heard of. Even one of his cousin and his gf of 6 months. Not a single photo of me. Not a photo of me with DD, OH, or MiL. There’s photos of random people just on their own. Aibu to be hurt by this? Not one photo of me amongst like 50 photos? I feel like this is a statement, that I’m not really family.

I said the above to OH, that I felt it was a statement and he went mad. Started shouting that he’s always stuck in the middle (???) of my issues with his family. Like, I’m, sorry... I didn’t realise there WERE any issues??? Am I being a snow flake? I feel so hurt about this and honestly feel like making zero effort from here on out. OH says I am being ridiculous but I just can’t see how no one noticed prior to this..

Tia!

OP posts:
Kaykay06 · 07/10/2019 11:21

Seems a bit odd, and your husband sounds a bit insensitive yes he is stuck in the middle if his mother is excluding you or whatever can’t he grow a backbone and stick up for his wife and child?
You need to stop visiting so much, she clearly doesn’t think of you as family just your child and why would you want to spend time with that sort of person.

My ex mil was always quite critical of me, didn’t overly like me, I just got on with life with my kids, but when I split up with my ex the bitch made a photo album of her family her son etc with my kids without one picture of me in it for my ex. Pics where I was there etc it was like I’d been wiped out of all of their lives. And the reason we split was something dispicible he did, they’ve supported him all the way. So really makes me think they are just as bad.

NorthEndGal · 07/10/2019 11:25

You say you feel close to her, yet are also threatening to make zero effort going forwards, because your picture wasnt in a photo album of family.
If you are normally this dramatic, I can understand your OH.
Did you try and ask her why you didnt appear in the album, before making the comments to your OH?

Dia12 · 07/10/2019 11:26

YANBU
I would feel exactly the same, it's just seems a bit too obvious to be a innocent oversight.
Your OH seems to have overreacted to your concerns about this. If this is unusual behaviour then perhaps there is more to it, if not, perhaps you just caught him in a bad moment.
Either way, i would suggest that if you have a happy family life with your OH and children, then just leave this negativity with your MIL, make it her emotional baggage, not yours.
Scale back your efforts with her if you need to, but it's not worth making yourself upset over, as often people who play passive aggressive emotional games like this want this effect.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 07/10/2019 11:32

YABU it's probably just random photos she liked and she didn't put thought into having to make sure every single person was in it.

Maybe don't go mooching through her stuff in future 🤷‍♀️

It's sounds like she treats you as family, so does 1 photo album really matter?

Bumfuzzled · 07/10/2019 11:34

Yanbu to be a bit hurt but tbh it’s the sort of way my mil thinks too. You need to be blood related in her eyes to be true family. All the in-laws joke about it in front of her but it’s really ingrained in how she thinks.

I’d be more concerned by the reaction of your DH. You seem to think there aren’t any major issues but his reaction says there are.

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 11:36

But it’s a photo album of family far and wide? It probably hasn’t been done deliberately. Give her a photo of you and DD to go in it? I can understand that you might feel left out but if your relationship is otherwise good, I would try and not overthink it.

TabbyMumz · 07/10/2019 11:41

I'd try not to overthink it. Its hard for mil's to think of their Sons partner as their family. Her family is her side of the family. I never saw myself as part of my husbands family, not really. I'm not blood, I'm just married in. I wouldnt expect to be in their family album.

Original poster
Platypusmama · 07/10/2019 11:43

I wasn’t mooching through her stuff, it was on display with other photos 😂

Also saying I feel like making zero effort isn’t a ‘threat’, it’s not like I’m saying “put me in the photo album or you’ll never see dd again” followed by the sound of ominous music.

OH does react like this a lot. It’s his defence mechanism when he feels like he’s being attacked. He hasn’t done it in a while. most probably because he’s been away with work for 7 weeks all I said to him was “I feel like that photo album was making a statement” and he went into meltdown mode saying my mum has no photos of him in her house.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, me and dd are both sick so I’m feeling particularly sensitive and run down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Platypusmama · 07/10/2019 11:44

50/50 divided, never seen that before! Grin

OP posts:
PavlovaFaith · 07/10/2019 11:48

I think YABU - you said MIL was making a statement. That's accusatory rather than being upset that you're not on there. It sounds ungrateful given the things you say you've gained from her.

I've been part of my DH's family for 14 years. DSIL made a family canvas for PIL and I wasn't on it. She had wanted family memories on it from childhood. I wouldn't have expected to be on it!

If you'd like to seem included I'd get a nice family photo of you all for Christmas. She clearly likes to display pictures and she clearly likes you.

ArizonaRobbins · 07/10/2019 11:50

I hear you.

I’m guessing that you complain about the comments etc a lot? I have similar issues with my in laws. I won’t bore you with the details but I have been known to bend my husbands ear about it because they wind me up so much.

He agrees with me in principle but he does get defensive too. Because they’re his family and he loves them. So now if I say anything negative he gets super defensive.

NoSauce · 07/10/2019 11:52

If the MIL didn’t like the OP she wouldn’t have her staying over. It sounds like it’s an album predominantly for the wider family!

TamarindCove · 07/10/2019 11:52

I think your husband’s reaction is stranger than the missing photo - that wouldn’t bother me at all

His reaction about being stuck in the middle is strange if you believe that you had a good relationship with his family. It sounds as though maybe they have said something to home before? I would wait until he was home and then ask him what he meant.

chocatoo · 07/10/2019 11:54

Organise for someone to take a nice photo of you, MIL and DD together and explain that it’s because you noticed that there isn’t one in her album. Print it out, give it to MIL and tell her it’s for her album.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 07/10/2019 11:55

I think my DPs parents like me a fair bit and they seemed very excited that we are getting married next year but they don't have any photos of me in their house. They have plenty of DP (only child). It doesn't really bother me... I presume they've just collated pictures they like at different points, not decided they don't consider me worthy of a picture 🤷‍♀️

Ariela · 07/10/2019 12:00

There's no photos of me and DD at the inlaws. Mostly because I'm always the photo-taker.
I'd do as chocatoo suggests and get a nice one taken of you DD and MIL.

CreamJug · 07/10/2019 12:14

My MIL made a 400-photo album for my DH on his 40th birthday, six years ago. We have been together since university, so we've been to the same university balls, graduated at the same graduation ceremonies, been there for one another's 21sts, gone together to various family weddings, major birthdays, holidays, events etc, quite apart from being married and having a child (then a new baby) together.

Of 400, how many photos did I make it into? Five, and three of those were graduation photos, university ball 'survivors' photos and matriculation photos with well over 100 people in them. There was not one photo of just us, that indicated we were a couple, although there was one of a girlfriend he'd gone out with while he was still at school. I didn't even appear in a photo with our new DS it was one of him with DH! You would have no idea from this album that DH had been in a comitted relationship for more than 20 years with the mother of his child it looks as if DS was magicked out of thin air!

I was actually mostly tickled as I leafed through the album, because it's not even that I felt slighted it's not news to me that I am not the type of compliant, dutiful, shopping-and-Bingo-focused DIL she would have liked it's that, as DH disbelievingly acknowledged, MIL must have actually gone to a huge amount of trouble to find photos of that many family/celebratory occasions that I wasn't in. Grin

Absolutely no point in bringing it up with her. She has about the same level of self-knowledge as a saucepan.

katseyes7 · 07/10/2019 12:34

My ex in laws were like that. Photos of BIL, his missus and their little un, even their dogs, all over the place. Not one of me and (now ex) husband. Even though we gave them a small album of our wedding photos - not one to be seen anywhere.
BIL was very much (and very evidently) the favourite, especially with FIL. lt annoyed me, but l felt much more for my husband. They made it so obvious. He never acknowledged it but l'm sure that was because it hurt him, and it was easier to pretend it wasn't happening. lf l tentatively commented about it, he'd do the same as the OP's OH - start shouting at me and saying it was about me. Despite the fact that it was exactly the same when l started going out with him, so l hadn't actually changed the family dynamic. l suspect the PP's OH is hurt by it, and isn't dealing with it very well.

rottiemum88 · 07/10/2019 12:34

Honestly couldn't get worked up over something like this, so I personally feel you ABU. Also, it seems highly unlikely your DH would make a comment about always being stuck in the middle of you and his family if there was absolutely no foundation.

Passthecherrycoke · 07/10/2019 12:36

No photos of your wedding even? That’s weird

slipperywhensparticus · 07/10/2019 12:41

It's weird that she has a picture of cousin and girlfriend of six months and not you

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 12:41

This is very easily done, if your just picking a load of photos and putting them on, easy to not realise,

I'm surprised you stood and watched to see if there was any of you, then decided it must be deliberate and then raised it to your husband. It would seem to me you're looking for issues.

You don't know if it was deliberate and as you seem close then it would appear it's likely not. So I'd question why you've reacted in this extreme way and tried to make it an issue

Bluntness100 · 07/10/2019 12:43

Also, it seems highly unlikely your DH would make a comment about always being stuck in the middle of you and his family if there was absolutely no foundation

Agree. That would be non sensical, so i would also assume you have form for pulling this sort of stuff.

Rainbowknickers · 07/10/2019 12:48

I had this with my own mother

4 months pregnant with her first grandchild when it just happened to be my parents 25th wedding anniversary

So I got all glammed up and went

About a month later we where looking through the ‘family photo album’ my mother had put together

Not one photo of me at all-but loads of other family members,her mates and her mates kids/grandkids/randomly one of her sisters best mate who she claimed she hated!

I might as well have not been there!

Going nc was the best thing I ever did with her

She didn’t see me as family and I’m the eldest/only daughter/and I was expecting her first gc!

(And I found out my present ended up in the bin!)

PlasticPatty · 07/10/2019 12:51

Is your dh getting hassle from his mum about you, that you don't know about? Or has he invented the 'stuck in the middle' line?

And if your mil has done that, she's a cow. I know the type. My mil had a picture of her son and daughter by her bed. Taken at his and my engagement party. And on our wedding day, she stormed off from the church, saying she wasn't going to the reception, because she wanted the photographer (paid for by my parents) to take a similar photo of the two of them at the wedding.

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