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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by this?

67 replies

Platypusmama · 07/10/2019 11:15

Thought that me and MiL got on relatively well, OH travels a lot so I bring my little one to see her at least once a week, sometimes more. Have had some trouble in the past with comments she has made that have upset me, can mention them later but don’t want it to cloud the judgement on this post. Point is we were (I thought?) very close. She taught me to knit, to use a sewing machine etc.

Brought DD to see her last night and we stayed over. This morning while I was getting ready I saw a little photo album on the side in the living room amongst other photos of dd. On the front of it it has “family far and wide” written. Inside is photos of dd with her dad, her grandpa, her auntie (OH’s sister), a random cousin from OH’s dad side (they’re divorced) plus some other random photos of random people I’ve never seen/heard of. Even one of his cousin and his gf of 6 months. Not a single photo of me. Not a photo of me with DD, OH, or MiL. There’s photos of random people just on their own. Aibu to be hurt by this? Not one photo of me amongst like 50 photos? I feel like this is a statement, that I’m not really family.

I said the above to OH, that I felt it was a statement and he went mad. Started shouting that he’s always stuck in the middle (???) of my issues with his family. Like, I’m, sorry... I didn’t realise there WERE any issues??? Am I being a snow flake? I feel so hurt about this and honestly feel like making zero effort from here on out. OH says I am being ridiculous but I just can’t see how no one noticed prior to this..

Tia!

OP posts:

Vilanelle · 07/10/2019 12:52

His reaction about being stuck in the middle is strange if you believe that you had a good relationship with his family. It sounds as though maybe they have said something to home before? I would wait until he was home and then ask him what he meant

This.

Why did he say that, do you moan about her?

I don't know if this is an issue. My MIL has no photos of me

ElizaDee · 07/10/2019 12:52

Is it an album for your DD, and mil assumed you'd make one for her with pictures of you and DH and DD?

Hoolahoophop · 07/10/2019 13:05

Has she any others of you, wedding pic up, baby pic, the album with the randoms feels like an 'others' album you know people that should be remembered but don't make into a frame. Your dd in there just because she can't resist.

MintyMabel · 07/10/2019 13:07

I have a good relationship with MIL generally. The only picture she has of me is a group one I'm in of BILs' wedding.

Her pics of DD are usually ones of her and DD or DH and DD. None of me and DD.

It never occurred to me to be pissed off by that. My parents don't have any pics of DH and DD either. In fact, I don't think they have any of me and her either. Clearly they consider me still family.

CornishCreation · 07/10/2019 13:19

Does she have many photos of you? are you usually the one taking the photos and never in them?

Lifeisabeach09 · 07/10/2019 13:34

I'd find it weird. I'd also mention it.
"Loved the photos in the album, Barbara, fucking shame I'm not in any of them." Haha.
I wonder if it's a DM vs DIL thing. My exMIL disliked me even though I was very devoted to her son but my DM loved my ex-DH. Just speculating.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 07/10/2019 13:39

Could it be because OP is not married to her partner? Some MILs can be quite set in their thinking of what constitutes a 'proper relationship'

WeAreStardustWeAreGolden · 07/10/2019 13:49

I suspect that much like my in-laws, Op, if you're not related by blood, you aren't really family.

IncrediblySadToo · 07/10/2019 13:59

If it said ‘family far & wide’ and there aren’t photos if you OH or MIL doesn’t that kind of indicate you’re thought if as the same as them ‘family near & dear’ ??

JasonPollack · 07/10/2019 14:00

He probably kicked off about being stuck in the middle because of what she's been saying about you. That would be my read.

sheshootssheimplores · 07/10/2019 14:03

Why not make a photo related Christmas present for her and see if it goes up? That will tell you all you need to know. You could do a little book, or a calendar or something.

I always make MIL a calendar with the kids using Snapchat and she adores it. There’s normally a few of me thrown in and a few of DP.

weeblueberry · 07/10/2019 14:04

If it said ‘family far & wide’ and there aren’t photos if you OH or MIL doesn’t that kind of indicate you’re thought if as the same as them ‘family near & dear’ ??

This is exactly what I thought at first read. This album is for extended family who are further away. If you have no other issues with her it sounds as though you've misread the situation. Just mention the album to her and casually ask if she keeps important photos elsewhere.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 07/10/2019 14:09

It depends OP, are there any pictures of you actually on display eg your wedding picture? Do you pass photos you've taken on to her?
I'd say you are probably over reacting, you stayed over in her house. I'd say there are better ways to try and make a statement to someone than spend hours on a photo album and hope they open it and get the message!

I make photo albums. I did a one recently and I was in 2 pictures that were of printable quality, from the last year. Its because I'm always taking them. I don't really like having my photo taken. I doubt if my own mum was doing an album that I'd feature in many pictures because we just tend to take pics of the kids.

If you otherwise get on well, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and if you want to make a point, give her a nice family picture of the 3 of you for her album

LonginesPrime · 07/10/2019 14:10

plus some other random photos of random people I’ve never seen/heard of

Hang on - just because they're strangers to you, it doesn't mean your MIL doesn't know them!

It sounds to me like you might be being a tad over sensitive here.

Have you given here a photo that she could have put in the album? My DM has photos of loads of seemingly random 'strangers' that people have sent to her (some old school friend's daughter's baby, etc) and no photos of me - it doesn't mean she doesn't like me, it's just that I've not given her a photo and people from far away have sent her things in the post.

People have different attitudes to photos, especially nowadays with digital ones, so I wouldn't overthink it. On the face of it, I don't think that what your MIL does with her photo collection is necessarily a reflection of her feelings toward you or that it was a jab at you, especially as she's just had you to stay over.

WarshipWarrior · 07/10/2019 14:11

I'd stop making so much effort. She can come and visit you if shes that fussed. Which clearly she isnt. Sad for your child though.

Nonnymum · 07/10/2019 14:11

If th winky issue is the photo album I think you are making more of this than is intended. It sounds as though they were photos of relations, just because you didn't know them doesn't mean Mil doesn't. They may be important people from her past.perhaps she was looking for some family resemblece. I have some albums with no photos of my Son in law in but it doesn't mean I don't get on with him or care for him. It's just that that particular album doesn't include him!
Your husbands reaction does seem odd though and makes me wonder if there is something else happening?

WarshipWarrior · 07/10/2019 14:11

Or stop making so much effort and she might surprise you with how much effort she starts making - then this little incident might not worry you as much.

Whydoesitalwaysrainatpickup · 07/10/2019 14:13

Maybe they just don't have my photos of you? There are hardly any photos of me with my kids as I'm always taking the photos. Your OH DD overreact though. I'd just print some pictures including you and give them too her to add to her album and I'd there is a problem you will soon find out. Don't get yourself paranoid, you've got a good relationship currently so don't rock the boat if you don't have to, it does seem a bit petty

Rachelover60 · 07/10/2019 14:14

I don't know, it could just be the way things are, she found some photos and not others.

It sounds as though she likes you, if she didn't she wouldn't have you staying. You could ask her! I think that might be better than asking your husband because he is, as he says, in the middle and rather insensitive with it in my opinion.

Original poster

Platypusmama · 07/10/2019 14:19

Creamjug - that made me chuckle! I can’t really complain, at least it’s not as bad as that! I do get the not falling into line thing, think it’s very similar with me. We get on great but I ignore a lot of little comments.

To posters who have said I must talk his ear off about her.. I really don’t. We have an ongoing joke that he started that goes along the lines of “classic MiL name”, which he uses whenever she says something insensitive. It’s kind of a running joke but he invented it so I can’t see it being that. She says insensitive stuff all the time, if I got upset at it all I would be upset a lot 😅 This just felt a bit off. Like there’s literally like 5 photos of SIL’s dog in it.

I made a typo, the album is “family near and far”, so photos of family close by then some from way further.

Not sure if she talks bad about me, maybe. Though I don’t see why that would be my issue. I’ve never spoken badly about her apart from the classic joke.

OP posts:

Original poster

Platypusmama · 07/10/2019 14:22

I don’t think I could ask her, it’s already caused more aggro than I thought it would. All I wanted was for DH to maybe say “oh yeah that is weird”. Seems it’s mixed that I abu and I’m nbu, so it’s probably a bit of both. I guess I’m just not as important as second cousin bob’s short term girlfriend sally I will try and toughen up a bit.

OP posts:

Aprillygirl · 07/10/2019 14:22

It depends. For example I hate having my photo taken, so one might be hard pressed to find one of me for the album. If that's not the case for you it does seem strange but then it could just be some mad coincidence that you just don't happen to be in any of the photos here. Does she have any other pictures of you on display? A wedding day picture for example?

CreamJug · 07/10/2019 14:27

No, you’re not, @Platypusmamam, just as I, his partner of more than two decades (not to mention the fact that I am her golden child’s wife and the mother of his child), am less important than DH’s school girlfriend of four months whose name he couldn’t even remember when he first saw the album, and who appears in a photo in her school uniform with an eighties bubble perm, bless her.

Know your place, woman.

MumofSilver · 07/10/2019 14:30

Yes I'd probably notice and possibly be a bit hurt. However, are these pics of people she does not see as often as you? Sometimes the familiar faces are the ones we don't need to see in photos so often? Maybe these are of people and stages of their lives she misses?

You could talk to her about it in a round about way? Say you noticed the album, would she like a photo book for Christmas - help her to compile one, ask if she wants a few of more recent ones of you and her grandchild too in there?

At the end of the day, is she pleased to see you when you pop in? She has given her time to teach you things, happily (I assume) enjoys you staying over? THESE are the behaviours to focus on more than the absence of a photo that could easily be an oversight, because they are for her - not you.

As for your OH reaction. Why? Has there been other 'caught in the middle' issues? There is perhaps more here than a flippant comment. We can all sometimes say and do things which are interpreted differently to how we meant. Is it possible he has picked up wrong signals from you - or his Mum? It is also possible, there have been issues somewhere in the past, possibly nothing to do with you - a sibling, an old girlfriend......he maybe being oversensitive due to history, rather than anything you or his Mum have done.

The only way to resolve that one is to speak to him and ask.

I think you are so lucky to have a MIL who you like to spend times with and wants to spend time with you - that's where it really counts. Hope you get it all sorted. xx

Mintjulia · 07/10/2019 16:06

If your dh reacted like that, it sounds as if his dm has been grumbling about you, now you about her, and now he feels caught.
He can’t be held responsible for his mum’s actions. I think I’d ask him if your mil has ever expressed any issues about you, if so try to decide if there is any truth in them and then decide how you respond.
At least you will know better where you stand.

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