AIBU to tell friend to stop this now?

[Ngailia]

I feel that a very dear friend (I'll call Mary), is being taken for granted. I've tried to say that she is being used, but she feels that she has to do this, to help this friend. Mary and DH have a long-term male friend. Mary's DH and he are best buddies. Mary had her own babies early and they have now left home. She works full-time as a nurse. Their friend is divorced and has his 3 children (aged 4, 7 and 12) on weekends. For the last 2 months, the friend has arrived at Mary's house on the weekend with kids in tow and he and her DH go off to football game. They are gone all day and come home late at night. Mary has had to look after and feed the children; usually also putting them to bed. The 12 year old is awkward and does and says what she likes to Mary. On the other day of the weekend, she goes to help her elderly mother. Her DH can't see what the problem is, but my friend is exhausted. Some advice please!

If she feels she 'has to do it', what advice can you possibly give her other than to point out that no she doesn't?

Ultimately this is Mary’s issue to take up with her husband/his friend. She’s being a doormat and has only herself to blame. She needs to learn to say no and mean it.

^

The men are completely taking the piss and Mary needs to say no if she doesn’t want to do it. Why doesn’t she?

Football games last 90 minutes, don’t they? Where are they going until late at night? Is this every week?

Invite Mary out for the day on a Saturday.

Mary needs to get up early and go out to see her mother on football day, thus thwarting their plans and freeing up the other day for her to have some time to herself.

Does Mary hold a very old fashioned belief that men can't look after children and that it's a woman's job?

So the friend palms off his kids onto someone who really doesn't want to spend their time looking after them (completely understandably) on 50% of his contact time?

What a shit!

Invite her out for the next couple of Saturdays and let the "friend" &/or the DH look after the kids.

The arrangement will soon go sour when the men actually have to step up for a change.

Mary needs to go out before the men leave, go shopping, for a coffee, to a National Trust property, anything to make it clear that she is not there to babysit. Do that a few times and the men should get the message. Yes, she shouldn't have to leave the house, but it's an easy way for her to have a more relaxing day.

Or, you know, Mary could just talk to her husband about it. But if she thinks he'll just make excuses for his friend and nothing will change, then go with my first suggestion.

No wonder the 12 year old is stroppy.

I'd be leaving the house before he arrived. He's offloading what he considers the woman's work onto a woman. Fuck that.

I agree with previous posters that she should become unavailable. This man is using the contact time he is supposed to have with his children during which he should be caring for them and bonding with them, to have a jolly every week. If Mary realises that she is not helpjng the children bond with their father, then she might think differently about looking after them. The issue is also Mary's husband and his part in this. He might be coercing her to do it. I hope she takes a stand and becones unavailable for both of these selfish bastards.

If I was the children's mother I wouldn't be impressed that my ex was palming the children off on another woman rather than spending time with them

This is making me so cross and I don't even know Mary!

Mary needs to start thinking about the kids' welfare. They're there to see their father, it must be very emotionally damaging for them to perceive themselves as unwanted. If the father doesn't want them then he should leave them with their mother and pick them up only on days he intends to see them. That's what I'd discuss with her. The fact that she needs a break is secondary to that.

Why is Mary being such a doormat?

Why is she married to someone who puts her in this situation and ‘can't see what the problem is’? They have been married a long time-surely he hasn’t always been a twat? Is this the first twatty thing he’s done?

I can’t think of anyone who would put their partner in this situation, mainly because my friends and family aren’t horrible but also because if they tried (they wouldn’t), their partner would say no. I don’t understand why Mary hasn’t?

usually also putting them to bed they spend the night? Does she also have to make the merry mob breakfast the next morning?

Go and pick Mary up at 9am Saturday and kidnap her for the day 😂😂

If Mary chooses to be a doormat then Mary will find that people will wipe their feet on her. I know what I'd do in this situation but the question is really what is Mary willing to do? Surely she and her husband have conversations with each other and she's able to tell him if she's not happy about it? If she hasn't told him, or if she has and he's carried on colluding with his friend to use her as an unpaid child minder, then she's got bigger problems than just coming up with excuses to be unavailable.

IMO (though I'm sure plenty will disagree) a lot of Marys actually quite enjoy the martyrdom in a strange way. Oh sure, they're a bit pissed off and stressed but they get some kind of pleasure out of how much other people depend on them and they can sigh and roll their eyes while at the same time loving all the "Oh, you're just too good, what would they do without you" bollox that goes with women prioritizing everyone else ahead of themselves.

That's what I was wondering SaveMeBarry

We need to know more about Mary. Is she a martyr for example?

This post has stressed me out. Poor Mary. If she can't say NO then she needs to find something that makes her occupied on a Saturday so she has a real excuse/reason for not doing this. Those poor kids expecting to spend the time with their dad!!

Mary is being an utter doormat. She needs to switch the day she goes to see her elderly DM.

Either that, or find a 'hobby' that takes her out of the house all day on Saturdays (eg. sitting in Costa drinking coffee, browsing round the shops and then catching the afternoon showing at the cinema).

I agree with PPs. Take Mary out on a Saturday. If she's a people pleaser and a martyr then invent something you absolutely 'need' her help with. . . just until you break the pattern of her being there for the 'friend's' DCs. Alternatively, let the 'friend's' wife know that her DCs are being dumped at Mary's every week whilst her ex goes to the football.

Fucks sake, Mary needs to grow a pair and tell her Dh and his knob of a friend to fuck off. Why on earth does she do it? His kids are not her concern, not her responsibility. Im actually annoyed at Mary in this scenario - the men are laughing all the way to the football while she's seething at home all because she won't say no. Organise a day out shopping with Mary next Saturday and when the User friend lands with his kids she can have her coat on and wave the lot of them goodbye as she runs out the door.

This is easy, she just needs to say no to the babysitting and make that her elderly parent day. Unfortunately, you can't do that for her she needs to do it herself.
And the friend is shit for not spending the limited time he has with his kids actually with them.