AIBU to tell friend to stop this now?

[Ngailia]

I feel that a very dear friend (I'll call Mary), is being taken for granted. I've tried to say that she is being used, but she feels that she has to do this, to help this friend. Mary and DH have a long-term male friend. Mary's DH and he are best buddies. Mary had her own babies early and they have now left home. She works full-time as a nurse. Their friend is divorced and has his 3 children (aged 4, 7 and 12) on weekends. For the last 2 months, the friend has arrived at Mary's house on the weekend with kids in tow and he and her DH go off to football game. They are gone all day and come home late at night. Mary has had to look after and feed the children; usually also putting them to bed. The 12 year old is awkward and does and says what she likes to Mary. On the other day of the weekend, she goes to help her elderly mother. Her DH can't see what the problem is, but my friend is exhausted. Some advice please!

Of course he Dh doesn't 'see the problem'!

If he 'saw the problem' it would stop or curtail his own enjoyment of the football on Saturday!

It's in his best interests to tell 'Mary' that it's all fine, it's completely normal for a father to offload his kids on some other woman, minimising the effect on her and the kids.

He is as selfish as the 'friend'.

Are you coming back to answer any of these questions, OP?

Are you Mary?

So op, what do you think & what are you going to do/suggest? Has your friend complained to you?

Does Mary actually have a problem with this? maybe she really loves being with the kids now hers are grown up? I think we need to know more about Mary's thinking to helpfully comment.

I agree.

These sort of post and run threads are annoying.

The OP will just come back to pages of pointless speculation because they couldn't hang about for a few minutes, to answer a couple of questions.

has only herself to blame

Well, them as well!

He's offloading what he considers the woman's work onto a woman

And the woman is letting him, to the detriment of the DC, who should be the priority.

Why? why? why?

the old post and run...

Mary's got to say something. No one else can for her. Clearly the friend is a user and a piss taker and he's not going to get a conscience on his own. She's got to grow a backbone.

You are Mary, right ?

She needs to put a stop to it. Take her out for the day. Let the dh help his friend out with childcare if he wants to.

Mary works full time as a nurse? Don’t most nurses have to work their fair share of weekends? Could she arrange to work most Saturdays?

If my dh allowed this he would be told to tell his ‘d’f this couldn’t continue, or I would make sure he had wished he had told him!!

No one can stop Mary being a doormat other than Mary. Nice shit husband she has there.

Mary needs to stand up for herself

Don’t do allher emotional labour for her

You need to tell "Mary" that she's helping "friend" to damage his relationship with his kids and that they will grow up wondering what's so wrong with them, that their dad doesn't want to spend time with them.

Tell her, that if she cares about the kid's mental health, she will stop colluding with the dad, by looking after his kids. But if she doesn't give a shout them, then she should carry on as she is.

Now, are you coming back @Ngailia?

I’ll add my vote to kidnapping Mary!

Gah, that should read "If she doesn't give a shit about them."

Mary has had to look after and feed the children; usually also putting them to bed

No she doesn't - she can leave the house just before he turns up and leave them to it. Or say 'no'.

Mary needs to understand it's not in the DCs best interests for her to facilitate their father offloading them during his contact time. The 12 year old is stroppy because they are realising they are unwanted by their dad and lashing out a little by being stroppy.

Are you Mary?

I think there is a thing with people pleasers that they think people are going to like and appreciate them when they go out of their way to do huge favours. Unfortunately, all that happens is they're taken for granted, and not respected.

'Mary' is actually being very unkind to the children. Instead of seeing their father every Saturday, which is what should be happening, building a relationship with him, they're stuck with a woman they don't know for the whole day. Why is 'Mary' interfering in someone else's family? That's how I'd view it if I were the mother of those children, that she should mind her own business and let the man parent his children properly.

Poor Mary and children. PP are right though, if anythings going to change its going to have to be Mary that instigates it.

OP, if you are Mary go out on the Saturday, if you aren’t Mary invite her to yours on Saturday.

The more I think about it the more I think Mary has a hell of a cheek. She shouldn't be surprised if she opens the door one day to a livid mother demanding to know why she's enabling the children's father to just dump them every Saturday.

Ultimately this is Mary’s issue to take up with her husband/his friend. She’s being a doormat
Yep. Mary needs to speak up or make other arrangements for Saturdays to force him to stop relying on her.

The 12 year old's behaviour isn't really relevant. She could be an angel and it would still be a piss take! As it is, she probably acts up because she's pissed off that her dad doesn't want to spend time with her.

If Mary doesn't want to do it she can just say no. If she doesn't want to say no then I have no fucking sympathy!
Stop behaving like a doormat if you don't want to be one!

I'd love to know what these kid's mother thinks of their useless father dumping them on muggy Mary. He is a disgrace and Mary's husband is very nearly as bad. Tell Mary that she is actually doing a disservice to the children by letting their dad dump them on her, and arrange to meet up with her every Saturday for a spot of shopping, lunch, hill walking or whatever else to get the poor woman out and away from the pair of piss taking chauvinists cunts.