AIBU to tell friend to stop this now?

[Ngailia]

I feel that a very dear friend (I'll call Mary), is being taken for granted. I've tried to say that she is being used, but she feels that she has to do this, to help this friend. Mary and DH have a long-term male friend. Mary's DH and he are best buddies. Mary had her own babies early and they have now left home. She works full-time as a nurse. Their friend is divorced and has his 3 children (aged 4, 7 and 12) on weekends. For the last 2 months, the friend has arrived at Mary's house on the weekend with kids in tow and he and her DH go off to football game. They are gone all day and come home late at night. Mary has had to look after and feed the children; usually also putting them to bed. The 12 year old is awkward and does and says what she likes to Mary. On the other day of the weekend, she goes to help her elderly mother. Her DH can't see what the problem is, but my friend is exhausted. Some advice please!

Has Mary asked you to intervene? Is she unhappy with the arrangement?

I wouldn’t look after someone else’s children every Saturday all day myself, but unless she’s specifically asked you to help, you need to leave her to it.

If she's a people pleaser and a martyr then invent something you absolutely 'need' her help with

While that would obviously be well intentioned I really don't believe it's the OPs place to trick a grown woman into doing what Op thinks she should. Using her people pleasing, doormat tendencies against her because OP has decided that's what's best isn't much better than what these two men are doing.

If she's offloading to you Ngailla then by all means offer advice or to be her 'excuse' should she need one but ultimately the woman needs to decide for herself what she wants, not have others decide for her. Before you offer your tuppence worth be certain that she actually wants this to change as opposed to just having what she might see as a female bonding moan!

I’m fucking incredulous that these men are so rude and also that Mary doesn’t tell them to fuck right off

She needs to go out before they arrive. And stay out - go to her mum's.

Mary's DH must shoulder some of the responsibility here by allowing his dickhead mate to take advantage of his wife like this!

Fuck the football - the mate and Mary's DH can look after the sprogs for a while, I can't believe she's letting her DH do this to her.

Are you "Mary", OP?

You need to tell your husband that you're not doing it anymore. And tell your husbands friend and then go out on Saturday.

Poor kids!

I think it's up to Mary, but I do think the dad is being a right dickhead. Maybe Mary feels bad for the children and wants to help, which is really admirable.

Also most people I know with kids who go to the football take their kids along

God, her dh is a twat! Why is he doing this to his wife, allowing his shitty mate to dump his kids, one of whom sounds foul? Invite her round yours, organise a grown ups only day out. Spa day!!

Mary needs to leave the house when DH's friend arrives with his children. Just leave. Immediately. Put her jacket on, grab her bag, and say goodbye. Tell her she can come to yours. Or she can go shopping. To a coffee shop with a book.

But do this every time he arrives.

Not sure why Mary can't say anything, however I'd be occupying Mary for the next few Saturdays until they've got the hint. Actually I think the worst person here is Marys DH and obviously the mutual friend.

Mary needs to be more assertive and say no, its not convenient. Super unfair on the children too.

Mary should be speaking to the friends ex because the children shouldn’t be with their dad every weekend if that is how he treats them
Indeed it sounds like he has forced every weekend from his wife which makes him even more unpleasant
Frankly Mary has more issues if her husband is friends with such a man and condoning such behaviour which probably means her own relationship is not a good one

This makes me mad! Mary has bought her own kids up, why the hell should she babysit for an entitled friend of her husband. Agggggh. Show Mary this thread!

Does Mary actually have a problem with this? maybe she really loves being with the kids now hers are grown up? I think we need to know more about Mary's thinking to helpfully comment.

Unfortunately if you look and behave like a doormat then people will treat you like one. Tell Mary to stop behaving like a martyr and wipe the mug sign off her forehead. The fucking useless sperm donor masquerading as the DC’s father should be spending his contact time with his DC. And I wouldn’t be impressed with my DH pimping me out as free childcare on my weekends.

Jesus.. how can Mary's dh go along with this?
In fact, I'd lay money that the DH instigated this set up.
Shame.
Mary needs to just say she can't do it anymore.

Poor kids. Maybe she knows what a complete arse the father is and thinks better her looking after them than no one.
But no she shouldn’t be doing this and I’d be surprised the mum would be happy - though youd think the 12 year old would say.

Agree with everyone. You need to take OP out that day and or get her to see her mum that day. Or offer to help with her mum that day and get time to have chat

Mary should start going out on Saturdays can she come to yours?

It's down to Mary to sort out but I do think she's being a bit of a doormat and the friend is a bit cheeky expecting her to look after the children. You could suggest that she makes other arrangements for a Saturday.

Does the friend's ex wife know about this arrangement?

Mary needs to learn how to be assertive and tell her DH that she is no longer available at weekends. The male friend needs to parent his own DC or find childcare if he is unable to.

If I was his DC I would be thorougly pissed off if my dad ditched me to go to football every weekend.

It doesn't matter that her DH can't see the problem, nobody can make her do it.

My mum has been a doormat all her life. As I repeatedly tell her, she is responsible for her life and her decisions, and she needs to say "NO I CANT DO THAT, because the people involved aren't going to turn around and stop treating her like it!

Ngailia I'm going to give a different point of view and it might not be popular.
The Karpman Drama Triangle describes a social situation where there is a Persecutor, a Rescuer, and a Victim. It isn't healthy for any of the people playing the positions.
Mary cannot be rescued from this situation by anyone outside of it. She needs to help herself.

At the moment she is enabling the Dad to neglect his kids, and imo that is the greater harm.
If she complains about the situation to you, ask her what she wants to do to put a stop to it. Encourage her to make a plan and follow it through.

Football teams usually play at home every other week, so I'm wondering if he organises his children's visits around home matches so he only has to look after them one day a fortnight.

Anyway, what does Mary say about this arrangement? Nothing at all?

She feels she has to do this to help the friend. What does the friend do in return? Her DH doesn't see any problem with it, why doesn't he look after his friend's children for him then, if it's no problem. I wonder if Mary did the bulk of the childcare and wife work with her own children and her dh thinks she should do the same for his friend. Tbh I'd be livid with the husband for offering her services. She needs to woman up.

Ffs what century is this her dh doesn't see the problem . She needs to say to him -
I tell you the problem you and your mate piss off out all day and expect me to look after the kids which aren't even mine . Seriously he needs to give his head a wobble and she does for not saying anything.
Those days that the woman stay at home with kids are loooong gone . Tell dh cf mate to take the kids with him .