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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it’s mine now?

125 replies

startube · 06/10/2019 10:06

I was given a piece of furniture by a relative a few years ago. Since redecorating I decided it no longer matches and I want to buy something else in its place. Placed it up for sale and got a message from my brother asking if it has sold, and if not could he have it (for free). AIBU to think it’s mine to sell? I think he feels he has a claim to it as it came from a relative. I need the money to put towards the replacement so I am reluctant to give it to him.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 06/10/2019 10:37

Bugger that! It's yours!

64sNewName · 06/10/2019 10:37

Pondering the wording ‘it’s mine to sell’ which I’ve seen before in threads about this type of conflict

It sort of conveniently distills two things into one expression, doesn’t it? - as if something being yours means it’s automatically OK for you to sell it. But of course that isn’t true, because there are a range of other possible valid considerations.

E.g. a piece of jewellery DP gave me is technically ‘mine to sell’, but if I actually sold it, I think he’d be pretty taken aback.

Not saying that’s the same situation as this piece of furniture though. Just that the expression is in itself a bit reductive/sometimes disingenuous

Original poster
startube · 06/10/2019 10:38

The item is not sentimental

OP posts:
64sNewName · 06/10/2019 10:41

Having seen your update, I do still think you’re being a bit U. If you can’t afford to replace a functional piece of furniture on purely decorative grounds, you can’t afford it. I can’t afford it either, so I don’t have plans to redecorate.

I wouldn’t aim to solve that problem by selling something that was handed down to me and is now wanted by a sibling.

Spied · 06/10/2019 10:41

Give it to your brother.
You got it for free.

TheresAFuckOverThere · 06/10/2019 10:43

Does he want it to use or to sell?

katewhinesalot · 06/10/2019 10:44

You got it free from a relative so should pass it on to another relative however I can see why you feel miffed as it sounds like he could afford to buy another. 50:50 split on who has claim to it.

I think the deal where he uses it but you get to sell it when he's finished our doesn't use it, is probably fair. But I'd be disappointed in him if he knows I really need the money.

bananasandwicheseveryday · 06/10/2019 10:45

I think if it was something which was given in a ' I've got a spare chair/sidetable/whatever, that would help Star out of a spot' kind of way, I'd expect to pass it on as a freebie to another family member when I no longer needed it if the original owner did not want it back. I'd treat it as a loan. If, otoh, it was bought specifically for me, as a gift, I'd consider it mine to do with as I wished.
Only you know which circumstance fits yours.

Antonin · 06/10/2019 10:48

If this article is not an heirloom and has no sentimental attachment within the family, was given because the giver no longer wanted it or had room for it, then why should the OP feel obligated to hand it on to a family member who is not in need and who already has several of the articles in question? I would say that it is the brother who is being grabby, not the OP.
Gifts are by definition free so why does the fact that theOP has not paid for this piece of furniture mean she is obligated to give it to any family member who requests it? The original giver has disclaimedall interest.
Feel free to sell it OP and replace it with something that reflects your changing needs.

MarianaMoatedGrange · 06/10/2019 10:50

Sell it OP - your brother doesn't sound in need like you were when you were gifted it.

73Sunglasslover · 06/10/2019 10:50

I'm agreeing with most posters here who say it should be given to family. You need to save up until you can afford to replace it. Your finances are not relevant here. Your relative would have easily given it to your brother as you I think so it's not as simple as saying 'it's mine now'.

Minai · 06/10/2019 10:52

I think yabu. If you got it from the relative for free and you no longer want it and your brother does then I don’t think it would be right to sell it for a profit.

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 10:53

He hasnt suggest it isnt yours. And only asked for it if it doesnt sell.

64sNewName · 06/10/2019 10:54

Your relative would have easily given it to your brother as you I think so it's not as simple as saying 'it's mine now'.

^^ I think this is key

MadameButterface · 06/10/2019 10:55

tell him he can have it but not until you’ve saved up to replace it

That’s a compromise that avoids the inconvenience of being without furniture

It no longer fitting with your aesthetic etc etc isn’t really reason enough to do away with family furniture bequeathal etiquette

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 10:55

If you can only afford a new one by selling the old one and it’s only because you want a shiny new one, I think you’re being daft anyway. You’d be far better to
put the money you do have in savings for when something unexpected happens.

If you do already have 6 minthsif luving expenses in savings, then my apologies, but then do you really need to sell it to replace it?

However, as your brother has several and doesn’t ‘need’ it, & it isn’t sentimental then no reason you shouldn’t sell it IMO

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 10:57

What is the item? I sssure you it’s not going to ‘out’ you.

Original poster
startube · 06/10/2019 10:59

The item I am saving for is an electric heater so not just aesthetic. I might say to him that I am saving for a heater, so once I have enough money he can take the item then?

OP posts:
MrGsFancyNewVagina · 06/10/2019 11:04

Don’t give it to him. He’s already said he doesn’t actually know if he needs it, he wants it ‘just in case’. It would be different if he was in desperate need of it or it had sentimental value. It sounds like he is acting like a jealous sibling, that feels that it’s not fair the relative gave you something and not him. Ask him if he wants to buy it, as you can’t afford new furniture if you give it away.

Headinthedrawer · 06/10/2019 11:06

This happened to me and a piece of ercol furniture that my relative took when my nan died.It had sentimental value to the family as well as being beautiful.She sold it on for a load of cash a few years later and although I chose to keep quiet I thought it was out of order So...if you sell it give him half the money.Or give him.the offer of the furniture.

HeyNotInMyName · 06/10/2019 11:06

I’m not sure what people think the OP is selling that it has to be given for free.
It was gift. Nothing is saying that the person who gave the gift would have been happy to give it to the dbrother instead. I’d rather think that the person gifting gave something that had (some ?) monetary value and was happy to give that to the OP.
Why on Earth should the OP give that away? Would you also be happy to give away your b’day presents, Christmas presents from family members ‘because another family member wants it’? Because they are gifts too and it’s not because the gift is being done outside of b’days and Christmas that it suddenly needs tombe treated din a different way.

And then, if the dbrother decides to sell it himself in a few years, that money will be his too? Because the OP had gifted him the piece of furniture?

That’s not how gifts works

HeyNotInMyName · 06/10/2019 11:09

@startube, please NO. Do NOT give him the item or the value of it.
It was a gift given to you . Nit to him or not with conditions attached to it.

MN is very very weird atm. Several threads where people clearly have fallen out if bed and banged their head in the process.

MintyMabel · 06/10/2019 11:10

Just to add, I have a friend who did this with all the baby things that a bunch of us gave her. We expected her to give them back or ask our friends who got pregnant later if they wanted them. She sold them all, even things that she was specifically told people needed back. Nobody gives her anything now, it seems grabby and selfish

Did you tell her your expectations? (Other than for the few things she was asked to give back) Or just label her as grabby based on your own judgement? I gave away a whole load of baby things. I had no need for them and couldn’t be arsed selling them. I have no idea whether they were passed on or sold on, but as I gave them away, it is up to the recipient to decide what to do with them. It amazes me that when it comes to baby stuff we have strange uses around them but for all other gifts it is up to the recipient to do as they wish.

Chloemol · 06/10/2019 11:10

I would always ask the relative who gave it to me if they are happy I now sell it. But I would also offer it to family members, for free first, before selling it as well

m0therofdragons · 06/10/2019 11:11

My uncle gave us my cousin's beautiful mahogany cot. Cousin is in his 20s but I still contacted uncle for first dibs before passing it on to a friend (for free).