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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to call in sick?

110 replies

Italianmeringuebuttercream · 06/10/2019 08:01

Hi I've applied for special leave to go to a funeral (cousin died suddenly aged 45) and my boss has refused my request. Wibu to call in sick? Does anyone know what would happen if I did? Would they check?
I work in a primary academy if that makes a difference and the day I'm asking for is a sort of inset - no kids at school that day.

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 06/10/2019 19:15

Whether you are closer to your great cousin's best friend's neighbour than your sister is irrelevant.
It shouldn't be! At my work compassionate leave is usually only for close family members but discretion can be given for those who have different family set ups. Sometimes a close friend can be a substitute parent or sibling figure and is allowed to be treated as such.

brighteyeowl17 · 06/10/2019 19:33

I work in school. I asked to go to my best friend for 20 years funeral. They asked for exact times and told me I could get back to work afterwards.... for 20 effing minutes of lesson. To make it worse it was the last week of term and half the kids were out and I found out two people were given leave of absence to go on holiday. I was such a mess when I came back then had to leave to go back to the wake. This was a catholic school and the took the half days pay off me even though they made me come back.

purpleme12 · 06/10/2019 19:36

What that's awful!

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 06/10/2019 19:39

@brighteyeowl17 I'm so sorry to hear that. My old head was great (they had their moments!) She was fair. The funerals I attended that weren't close family she let me take unpaid.

OP posts:
BringTheBounceBack · 06/10/2019 19:47

Why should it matter who it was? If they were close enough for you to attend the funeral isn’t that enough? As if anyone wants to go to a funeral iykwim, they’d rather it didn’t have to happen

Whilst your employer seems to think they have so much choice over their staff, you have just as much control to choose your employer. It works both ways. Fuck them

MrsPinkCock · 06/10/2019 20:02

YWBU to call in sick. You’d be lying to your employer and the dishonesty would be worse than just telling them you’re going and leaving for a few hours.

I’m assuming your cousin didn’t depend on you for care so you have no statutory right to the time off, as shit as that is.

However, if you’ve decided you’re going one way or another...

If it was me I would send a polite email saying that it is a close family member and I would attend for a short a time as possible to minimise disruption but that unfortunately it is something you have to go to and you hope they understand the difficult situation they have put you in. If other people have had time off for similar then point out the inconsistency and then go.

They can only lawfully sack you if they are acting as a reasonable employer would - going AWOL can be sackable but it’s borderline for a one off offence in these circumstances so if you’re going anyway you need to make sure you are being reasonable in your own approach to minimise the chance of dismissal. However as I said it’s really borderline so the safest bet is just to not go.

If you’ve worked there less than two years I’d fully expect to be sacked though!

purpleolive · 06/10/2019 20:40

HR have to communicate policies, but managers can always show discretion, HR are there to advise not dictate. I would not have refused that request. I'm assuming you don't have a flexi policy?

Original poster
Italianmeringuebuttercream · 06/10/2019 20:55

@purpleolive no it's not flexi. I have been allowed in the past with a different head who knew my worth iykwim? She valued all the extra hours I put in. The new one isnt interested. I wont be giving a minute more than my contracted hours from now on.

OP posts:
CouldBeOuting · 06/10/2019 20:56

When I worked in financial services we weren’t allowed leave during March or April. Compassionate leave was for “immediate family being parent, spouse, sibling or child”. My grandfather died mid March. My request for one day off fir his funeral was refused and with the refusal letter was a reminder that any absence would be “gross misconduct and result in immediate dismissal from post”.

Contacted ACAS but my employer were within their rights as grandparent is NOT immediate family.

I couldn’t afford to lose my job so missed my grandfather’s funeral.

purpleolive · 06/10/2019 20:59

@Italianmeringuebuttercream sorry I didn't realise it was a school. Well more fool them considering the teacher shortage in the country, that attitude won't retain staff will it.

PooWillyBumBum · 06/10/2019 21:03

Am surprised at those thinking cousin is “pushing it”. Cousins are family members, usually very close in age and known from childhood. I shouldn’t think asking for compassionate leave is outrageous and a lot of the time being there is to support family, not just for yourself.

There are cousins who I’m not close to who I wouldn’t take time off for (as unless I need the compassionate leave I’d feel like I was taking the piss), but there is one who I would risk being fired to attend.

I’m lucky that my organisation is pretty good with these things. People take mornings/afternoons off for friends and neighbours funerals. Community is important.

PooWillyBumBum · 06/10/2019 21:04

@CouldBeOuting that is so, so awful :(

HollyGoLoudly1 · 06/10/2019 23:43

@CouldBeOuting
Jesus that's utterly appalling.

On an extension of this topic, a friend of mine (also in financial services, so maybe there's a pattern here) was denied compassionate leave after her Mum died unexpectedly following a short illness Sad Oh she was 'allowed' the day of the funeral off, and I think they were prepared to give her the week off following the actual death, but was told she was expected back at work in between and the day after the funeral day. A highly thought of and senior employee who had given blood, sweat and a ton of overtime to the firm. She appealed and was told they couldn't 'set a precedent'. She got signed off by the GP for stress for 3 months and found another job.

I will never for the life of me understand the lack of compassion.

57Varieties · 07/10/2019 00:14

That’s awful @CouldBeOuting. sadly but unsurprisingly ACAS probably gave you duff advice as well.

HUZZAH212 · 07/10/2019 01:12

What employer would even want someone in the workplace whose obviously grieving? They're hardly likely to be productive and at worst could be disruptive (if you viewed it completely without empathy or compassion).

Cellnet · 07/10/2019 02:14

YANBU to bunk it, but call the day before and say you have diarrhoea/tummy bug. They have to let you have at least 48h off.

As for the people saying OP should not get signed off for stress. You are all talking bollocks!! If someone close to you dying is not fucking stressful, well then idk what is!

Umm, definitely some jobworths on this thread, sad really.

managedmis · 07/10/2019 02:21

It's just easier to call in sick than to be honest.

Definitely get signed off.

00Sassy · 07/10/2019 02:47

Fucks sake, people can’t plan when a funeral will be held! The union can fight this for you, they’re being rediculous!

MonsterKidz · 07/10/2019 03:04

This is really unreasonable. Them denying the request that is.

I have two cousins who are like sisters to me. We grew up together and i could never ever not attend their funeral.

WatchingFromTheWings · 07/10/2019 08:39

Yeah don’t waste a GP appointment. You’re not in need of medical attention, you’re stressed. The GP can’t do anything for that

When my boss was being a twat about having time off when my father passed away my doctor signed me off for 2 weeks. I wasn't ill but incredibly upset and stressed, which In turn was starting to make me ill.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 07/10/2019 09:48

@HollyGoLoudly1 now I work in FS and was told that I had to come back the day after my mums funeral as they weren't paying me for a hangover!

They got the most harsh email telling them about all the extra hours I had worked the time I'd given, detailing everything and what I wouldn't be doing in the future. I said no I wouldn't be hungover, I'd be tired, exhausted, grieving and upset, did he really want me in the office?

They then gave me the rest of the week (another day) off but the damage we done.

A really loyal employee and I left three months later, the boss who said it when I handed my notice in said "this is because of the funeral thing isn't it", I look straight at him and sad yes!

Cost them a fortune to replace me and first two people didn't work out for them.... shame!

Redglitter · 07/10/2019 12:16

When my boss was being a twat about having time off when my father passed away my doctor signed me off for 2 weeks

That's a totally different situation. The stress of losing a parent is nothing like the situation the OP is in.

HappyGoLuckyLuLu · 07/10/2019 14:05

See if Dr will sign you off for a couple of days for grief/stress - with a formal note you'll be covered & they'll not be able to take any disciplinary action

hiddenworlds · 07/10/2019 14:42

Get signed off for the week (ex Head) . No reason not to give you unpaid.

Everanewbie · 07/10/2019 15:12

I'm usually dead against this kind of thing but i'd go to the doctor and get a couple of weeks off with depression. They wont have any comeback against that, whether its swinging the lead or not. Screw them, they're not exactly showing you any consideration, why should you care about them? The worst thing you could do now after having it turned down is call in with a 'migraine'.