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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to call in sick?

110 replies

Italianmeringuebuttercream · 06/10/2019 08:01

Hi I've applied for special leave to go to a funeral (cousin died suddenly aged 45) and my boss has refused my request. Wibu to call in sick? Does anyone know what would happen if I did? Would they check?
I work in a primary academy if that makes a difference and the day I'm asking for is a sort of inset - no kids at school that day.

OP posts:

quincejamplease · 06/10/2019 08:45

I don't believe anyone should have to justify why they want to attend a funeral regardless of the perceived closeness of the relationship.

I agree. How perverse to suggest that if someone's loved ones don't die at conveniently spaced intervals they should not attend the funerals.

Basic humanity comes first.

rainbowstardrops · 06/10/2019 09:01

Blimey, that's a bit harsh from your head. Really hope your union gets back to you soon

woodhill · 06/10/2019 09:05

Could you go for some of the day rather than a whole day?

Trooperslaneagain · 06/10/2019 09:13

Fuck that. I'd be going. Family waaaaaaaayyy more important than work.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 06/10/2019 09:14

Hermione why the shock of four funerals in six years? I'm at that age that suits and uncles are passing away, I want to be at the funerals and don't want to be penalised because they die close together! I expect compassion and respect if I have to attend a funeral it's hardly a day out at the fair!

hotchocolateee · 06/10/2019 09:48

Sorry but I would be saying I'll take it unpaid and go. Life is too short. Absolutely no way would I miss that for work

hotchocolateee · 06/10/2019 09:51

I attended 7 funerals between the ages of 18-23. it was horrific. It does happen. Not all were immediate family.

Pinkypurple35 · 06/10/2019 09:56

It will be very obvious and will no doubt cause a bit of a shit storm for yourself when you go back in the next day.

Original poster

Italianmeringuebuttercream · 06/10/2019 10:22

Thank you for your replies. I have requested no pay. The children wont be at school on the day I've asked for and unfortunately I can't go for part of it as it's a 2 hour drive from me. It is starting to make me actually ill now so I'll be seeing the dr anyway on monday. Hopefully unison can advise as I dont want a disciplinary on my record as I'll be looking for a new job!

OP posts:

Elieza · 06/10/2019 11:39

I’d go to work wearing black head to toe (a reminder to all of the funeral) and perhaps you could get out an hour or two early, considering the extra hours you’ve put in before?
Depends how long the wake after is, so you could go to the tail end of that with the explanation that you couldnt get the time off even unpaid or you would have been there.
I’d not risk my job for this. I wouldn’t be off sick for a day - or indeed a week to hide it! Don’t get yourself in a state and sick over this, it’s a distant relatives funeral it’s not worth your health over it. You need to calm down.
I’d like to think the head was aware of the extras you do and would reciprocate but if not, it does make you think why you are doing extras as a favour if it gets you nowt back.

You have been unfortunate to attend a number of funerals over the last few years, I’ve had two in four years. But as we get older more friends and family pass away so it’s to be expected going forward. And of course if someone has a large family or social circle.

SouthernComforts · 06/10/2019 11:45

Fuck them. This is your family, go to the funeral and deal with work after.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/10/2019 11:50

My condolences but leave for a cousin is pushing it

Why?? OP isn't asking for paid leave, she has offered to take it unpaid. I don't understand why wanting to attend the funeral of a relative is taking the piss in any way, it's hardly a jolly is it?

ViaSacra · 06/10/2019 11:54

My condolences but leave for a cousin is pushing it. Whatever the old head allowed is irrelevant. No special treatment

You’re heartless, aren’t you? ‘Close family’ means something different for everyone.

I wouldn’t recognise my cousins if I walked past them in the street, and it’s unlikely I’ll attend their funerals when the time comes, but the OP was clearly extremely close to her cousin.

No employer should be able to refuse to allow an employee the right to attend the funeral of someone they cared about.

woodhill · 06/10/2019 11:57

I know OP how it gets. Try not to get too upset

Passthecherrycoke · 06/10/2019 12:01

I guess the point about sickness is he’ll know you’re lying but can’t do (legally) anything about it because he can’t prove you’re lying. Of course he could sack you and take the risk but seems unlikely.

However I think the PP had a better idea- tell them you are going anyway and will face the disciplinary process when you get back and call your union

Aragog · 06/10/2019 12:11

4 funerals in 6 years and most aren’t for immediate family?!

Is that particularly concerning?! Really?!
I don't think it is, especially when you get older.

I didn't go to a single funeral growing up.
I then went to one when I was around 24y.
However in the last 2 years I have been to 3 - grandad, dh's grandad and an older family friend. Two of those were within the same month. I can certainly expect to go to another 2 in the coming years due to the age of two elderly relatives. That then doesn't take into account any others.

I always ask for unpaid leave, though for the last two they were paid.

Fortunately I have a head teacher who has a little empathy and compassion.

iklboo · 06/10/2019 12:14

My old boss made me take unpaid leave (even though I had plenty of annual leave) when my uncle - who I'd helped my auntie nurse - died because 'I hadn't given enough notice'. I still can't believe I didn't challenge that. Thing is, the following week she booked short notice leave herself and used her annual leave.

Aragog · 06/10/2019 12:15

No one should be prevented from going to a funeral regardless of who close a family member they are. Someone may be non contact with a parent or sibling but really really close to a cousin or even a friend. The blood relationship shouldn't be the deciding factor at all!

SorryDidISayThatOutLoud · 06/10/2019 12:19

Your UNISOn rep will forst of all ask what your company policy is. Our company have recently changed the Special Leave policy. What was put forward is that it cannot specify 'close relative' or 'parent, sibling etc'. One argument was that an aunt had brought the person up and was like a mother to them, another that a cousin was like a sister. It's ridiculous to put people into accepted categories where bereavement is concerned.
This was all for paid leave as well. With unpaid they should be even more flexible.

WorraLiberty · 06/10/2019 12:23

It is starting to make me actually ill now so I'll be seeing the dr anyway on monday.

What do you want the Dr to do?

Provide proof that you're now ill?

Passthecherrycoke · 06/10/2019 12:24

Yeah don’t waste a GP appointment. You’re not in need of medical attention, you’re stressed. The GP can’t do anything for that

Girasole02 · 06/10/2019 12:28

If you took this to its ultimate conclusion: the bereavement and subsequent refusal for time off to attend the funeral has triggered stress and anxiety and you go off long term sick. They have to pay for costly supply. You then find a job elsewhere and they have to find another teacher.
I'm a teacher and find this whole policy ludicrous. I have attended things bh not not giving notice and calling in on the day. It's the system that leads to dishonesty as I knew my reasonable request would be refused because the head was an arse who liked the power. Who us to judge how 'close ' the family member is in real terms. It's not always about biology.

theotherfossilsister · 06/10/2019 12:50

Dear Manager

I have shown considerable goodwill in x, y and z action, and I am concerned and disappointed that this has not been returned. I would suggest that you spend some time considering your approach to staff engagement to ensure that it co.ples with the organisational policy on staff welfare ( link to welfare page on staff intranet.)

Regards, Italianmeringuebuttercream

Eemamc · 06/10/2019 13:04

I don’t say this lightly, but I would suggest getting signed off for stress due to this difficult time and uncompassionate treatment from your head. Speak to your union and take advice. You will get full pay and take a few days. Your head should learn that they can’t treat their staff like this. If this was me, this is what I would do, but my head would never do this. He knows i’m A committed member of staff and go the extra mile for the school. It’s the decent thing to support your staff in this way. Seriously. Take the week. And start looking for a new job.

LolaSmiles · 06/10/2019 13:13

That's awful. You're asking for it unpaid.

I don't like the suggestions of "go get signed off with stress" as I think that sort of approach undermines the very real stress issues in the sector, but I think you need to be considering if this is somewher eto work long term.

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