Good Evening!
Below is a letter I have just sent to the CMS.
I was conflicted while writing it as part of me feels i'm getting a raw deal but part of me feels i'm being unreasonable.
So i'm after opinions and advice from a mums (And dads) point of view, so all are welcome
^ALL NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED*
Dear Sir/Madam
I am writing regarding maintenance payments for my son XXXXX. I’m currently paying through a DEO £490.69 a month, which is taken out of my salary so my monthly pay is around £850 a month.
I would like clarification on how you came to that figure, as you seem to have been given the wrong address for me, as when my ex partner Ms Smith illegally requested a member of her family who works in finance to obtain my personal details including my work address, salary and home address, they gave her an old address. So I have not seen any correspondence as to how you came to that figure or how long I have to pay that for.
And as that figure is quite high, I’m assuming you’ve been given very one sided information so I would like to explain a few things for you to take into consideration and try give you a picture of my situation and the effect it’s having on me.
Since me and Ms Smith split 5 years ago, I’ve regularly paid maintenance. Every month. Not one payment missed. On some occasions, owing to the fact I was self employed for a few years and I didn’t always get paid myself on time, the payments were late. But never by more than 2-3 days.
I always aimed to pay 10% of what I earnt, and as I was on low earnings this was not always possible, but if their was ever a shortfall my parents would make up the difference. For 5 years I’ve never paid less than £120 a month, Ms Smith was happy with that as she knew I couldn’t afford any more. It increased to £140 a month when I changed job the beginning of last year. One thing I’m sure Ms Smith never mentioned to you was that while I was self employed, I earnt on average £826pm from October 2016 until March 2018. So for that whole period I was paying over what your own calculator suggested I should pay. I roughly worked it out and overpayments come to approx £1100 for that period. But I never complained, I never made an issue of it, I always made sure I paid no matter what.
When me and Ms Smith split up, she moved to XXXXXXX which at the time when I lived in XXXXXXX was 101miles, door to door. Where I live now it’s 104 miles door to door. So for me to have Ben for the weekend pick him up Friday, back home Sunday it’s 416 miles. I have a 2.0ltr car and on motorways I get roughly 25mpg and with fuel at about £1.30 a ltr it costs me between £80-£90 in fuel. And despite the fact it was Ms Smith who moved away with Ben she has never once brought him to me, or offered to meet halfway. In fact on the one occasion I did ask the reply was “If you want to see your son you know where he is”. So for 5 years, every month I have paid the fuel costs. But I know none of that will come into consideration.
During that period, owing to the fact my earnings were low not only was I not able to maintain regular contact with Ben due to that fact I couldn’t afford the fuel costs for the 400 mile round trip, which meant I could only see him for 1 day a month. This also wasn’t helped by Ms Smith stopping me from seeing him as and when she see fit example being if maintenance was paid a day or 2 late, I would be told I can’t come see him that weekend. Ms Smith also let slip once that if he came to stay with me anymore than he did then I’d have to pay less, but I’m sure that’s not her motive for stopping me having him.
I also got myself into considerable debt due to low earnings. I was using credit cards for everyday things like fuel and food shopping and trying to maintain contact with Ben. Currently my debts stand at around £14k, most of it credit card/overdraft debt detailed in the DMP I have attached with this letter.
In March 2018 I started a new job on a lot better money than what I was previously earning. It meant I was less reliant on credit cards, however due to repayments and interest payments I was paying about £600pm on credit card and overdraft payments per month. So any extra money I was earning just got swallowed straight up. But I still kept my maintenance payments up and still tried to maintain regular contact with Ben.
As I was earning more maintenance payments should have increased, which they didn’t. I explained to Ms Smith that I was trying to repay my debts, trying to get by day to day, trying to maintain a relationship with my son. I showed her statements proving I was paying the maximum I could physically afford. If she needed money which was a monthly occurrence, I would ask my parents to give it her, and 9 times out of 10 they would. If Ben needed any clothes or trainers for school etc which again was a monthly request, I would order it on online on credit and have it sent, no questions asked. I would always help where I could. One year when Ms Smith was struggling, my parents paid a whole years car insurance for her. So I don’t know what information Ms Smith has given you but despite her making it very difficult for me to maintain a relationship with my son, I have always helped where possible and Ben never went without anything he needed and she reluctantly understood my situation regarding my debts.
At the beginning of this year, on the brink of financial ruin, with debt collectors knocking my door regularly and almost losing everything I contacted stepchange debt charity. Told them my situation and they were very helpful. I was put onto a debt management plan, they essentially took control of my finances. And although my debt remains, my repayments were reduced significantly. As a result of this I was able to increase what I paid to Ms Smith.
But we had a disagreement over contact arrangements, her not letting me see or speak to him over the Christmas period at all. As a result I told her I would be seeking family mediation and possibly a court order if she continues to deny me access. It was then she told me she had contacted you regarding the fact I had not paid what I was supposed to when I changed jobs even though she knew the situation I was in.
So I’m assuming that’s when Ms Smith illegally obtained my information and the letters started going to an old address as she never asked my where I lived once. But she explained to me you were involved and how much I would have to pay back. Knowing I could not afford it and what implications it would have on my finances I pleaded with her, I kept showing her statements and wage slips trying to get her to be reasonable, and knowing I couldn’t afford it she went ahead anyway.
That's when the DEO kicked in. And as you can see from the DMP summary I have sent, every pound I earnt was accounted for. Once bills and day to day items were paid for, any surplus went on debt repayments. I live a very modest life. I don’t drink, don’t smoke, don't’ live extravagantly. I rent a room in a house because I can’t afford to live alone so Ben can’t have a room for himself. Only leisure time I have is when I take Ben to the cinema or bowling etc. I pay to keep my car on the road because without it I wouldn’t be able to travel to Ben.
So I hope you can see what sort of impact it’s having now I’m having £490 taken out of my salary every month. My debts are no longer being paid off so debt collectors are now chasing me again which is a massive stress on me.
I have missed car insurance payments, which if I miss any more will be cancelled. I have missed car repayments which has resulted in penalty fines. I am now relying on credit cards to get me by with day to day items such as food and fuel. I’m working 60hrs a week minimum to try get some overtime. Some days without lunch because I can’t afford it. I have to borrow money from people to afford to travel to see Ben, but I’m too ashamed to ask any more. If I keep missing car repayments it will be repossessed. I am an on call firefighter, if i was to lose my car then i would lose my job, which would mean i would lose approx £150-£200 extra income per month as well as having to spend about £200 on train tickets to see him, which I won’t be able to afford so I just won’t be able to see him any more as his mother wouldn’t ever drive up here. I paid £90 onto a credit card to arrange a family mediation meeting, to try sort this situation and to try get regular contact with Ben, but Ms Smith refused to show up. And a court order is out the question as I’d ever be able to afford it.
Ben is the most important thing in my life, it breaks my heart that I haven’t been able to have a proper relationship with him. We have a great relationship when I do see him, he loves coming to see me and gets upset when he has to leave which kills me. I think that adds to Ms Smith resentment towards me and why she tries to make maintaining a relationship with him as difficult as possible.
I don’t engage with her when she tries to argue, I don't swear at her, I was never violent or abusive towards her, my family were always good to her and despite the fact she is now getting a large sum of money every month off me she still sends me horrible abusive texts, she still tries to deny me access for no reason, her and her family write things about me on social media, lies about me, constantly telling me I am a bad father and I should try see Ben more yet its her that puts the obstacles in the way. I know a lot of this information is irrelevant but who else can I tell? The system is so heavily stacked in favour of mums, so I just have to accept it.
Ms Smith is a great Mum, and has raised Ben well. I know she has struggled financially too which is why I’ve always been willing to help out where I can. But she blames her situation on me, she moved to one of the most expensive counties to be closer to her parents and since then has struggled financially. But I have struggled too but she doesn’t see that, she thinks I live a life of luxury and I’m sitting on a pot of gold when I’m not and I think that’s where the resentment and unwillingness to help me maintain a relationship with Ben has come from. My parents have also received abusive messages from her too, which is very unreasonable as they’ve always helped her. So now they are unwilling to help anymore.
At the time of writing I have £109 in my bank account. I got paid 2 days ago and will not get paid again until the end of the month. My credit cards are all maxed out (again). And I still have bills to pay this month. I’m unable to buy things for Ben, clothes and toys etc. His birthday was recently, I had to borrow money from parents to be able to afford presents form him. When he comes to stay I’m unable to afford little things such as cinema, trips out any more, the best I can do for him is a kickabout in the park or a walk, not very exciting for a 10yr old. Whereas previous summers we’d go the beach for the day or theme parks. So tell me is my son really benefiting from this?
I haven’t lived in the same place for more than 6 months because I’m trying to stay one step ahead of the debt collectors. The stress of waiting for that knock on the door is one I wouldn’t wish on anyone. And when I was put onto my DMP I cannot put into words the relief I felt that I was given some breathing space and that feeling I was going to sink had left me. But now it’s back, and I feel like I’m about to sink again.
So that’s my situation right now. It’s pretty desperate. I’m on the brink of ruin not only financially but personally too. And Ms Smith knows this, and she doesn’t care. “It is what it is” was a response I got from her.
Everything I have put in this letter is provable with texts or bank statements, I’m not making anything up for sympathy, it’s just the situation as it is.
So many dads don’t care about their children, I am one of the ones that do everything I can for my son. I would lay down my life for my boy and he is literally the only thing keeping me going at the minute.
So I hope I get a response from you, and not just an automated robotic response hiding behind regulations etc. An actual response, from a person. And if you think the amount you are taking off me is fair then I want you to tell me why you think it’s fair. And if you think it’s ok to push someone to the brink of ruin, I want you to tell why you think it’s ok. Yes Ms Smith is getting back payments but it’s Ben that is losing out because whereas before I was able to buy him things and take him places, he doesn’t get any of that any more because I can’t afford to. And once I lose my car, which is inevitable then I can’t see how I will be able to maintain contact. So I want you to tell me why you think that’s ok.
Hope to hear from you soon