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Original poster

To wonder how this affair will work out?

54 replies

Usernamemcname · 05/10/2019 09:56

My bf has just been left by her husband for his married colleague, every cliche going! They work in the same team in the finance industry, socialise only with other people from work, exercise together and now they're going to get a little flat together till the divorces are finalised.
How could this possibly end well for them? They've got no one, most of their friends and family have turned their backs due to the shocking way they treated their spouses. They are also going to end up spending all their time together, which might kill the passion quite quickly. Oh and they have no money as they've both offered to keep paying half of the bills for their ex's.
My friend isn't on MN and she keeps asking me how this is going to work out for him.

OP posts:
Tyarami · 05/10/2019 09:59

He'll probably realise the grass wasn't so much greener after all and come crawling back to your friend, at which point she needs to tell him to do one.

Or he'll get bored and cheat on her anyway, how you get them is how you lose them and all that.

c3pu · 05/10/2019 10:00

Same as any other relationship. Find someone you think you like, and roll the dice.

It may well end badly for them, but that's their own business, and all you can really do is be there for your friend and try to help where you can.

Sotiredofthislife · 05/10/2019 10:00

You need to encourage her to focus on how this is going to work out for her. Her best revenge is living well. Needs to become her mantra.

GabriellaMontez · 05/10/2019 10:03

It happens not that infrequently. Sometimes it all works out.

Try and support your friend to focus on herself and her future. Finances especially.. not dwell on him.

altiara · 05/10/2019 10:08

Tell her not to worry about him, worry about herself, especially when he realises he has no money and decides to get over his guilt sharpish. How will she cope without without his money, will they need to sell their house (if they have one) etc

Original poster
Usernamemcname · 05/10/2019 10:10

If I'm being totally honest with myself, I think I'm a little bit worried for him as a friend. They were together for ten years, I saw him nearly every weekend when we were in my twenties. He was the first non family member to meet out children. Although I am disgusted by what he's done I'm also worried for him. I don't see how this can end well. And he was always so concerned with what people thought and being a 'good man.' I almost want to check he's ok but obviously I won't.
Went to see friend last night. She's ok, being very mature. Hasn't put all his stuff on the lawn or anything. I think she'll be ok.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 05/10/2019 10:11

"They've got no one" they have each other and that's what they want right now, I imagine.

Your friend needs to start trying to accept that he didn't choose her anymore and has to process that and move on. It's the best thing she can try and do with along with getting her ducks in a row.

Totalwasteofpaper · 05/10/2019 10:15

hmmmm... you’d be surprised

I know a couple of people who did this I.e. totally upended their lives almost out of the blue in a totally out of character fashion with no almost regard for those around them...

They have been “intensely attached” ever since (think in the style of sting & trudi whatsherchops)

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 10:16

Their families will probably accept their relationship eventually and they'll make friends as a couple.

Or it could all come tumbling down around them.

No-one knows but your friend needs to concentrate on putting her own life back together.

Original poster
Usernamemcname · 05/10/2019 10:17

@Andysbestadventure well I think not choosing your wife anymore is one way of looking at it. Another way is that having unprotected sex with your wife on the Friday and leaving her for another woman on the following Tuesday isn't sending very clear signs that your marriage is over.

OP posts:
Mummybares · 05/10/2019 10:18

Marriages and relationships are not life sentences. Mind you even life sentences dont mean life here at least.

Tell her who cares she needs to focus on her new life.

For what its worth it may actually work out.

Mummybares · 05/10/2019 10:19

Oh and she needs std check. Poor woman Sad really she should not dwell i know its hard but must keep looking and moving forward Flowers

Fakehair83 · 05/10/2019 10:20

Going on experience once the dust settles the family and friends will accept the relationship and it will be treated normal.

Your friend needs to detach from his side of friendship circles and his family it hurts less

Original poster
Usernamemcname · 05/10/2019 10:27

I think people will accept it in time. I think he won't tell them the full story though 'I was trying to have a baby with my wife, but I got a bit bored and started shagging my colleague, still carried on with my wife though, and then when we split up I blamed her for not knowing I was unhappy.'

OP posts:
FuriousVexation · 05/10/2019 10:29

I have found generally in my experience, blood is thicker than water and most of the family on both sides will forgive and forget.

I'd also say I've generally found that men are very non-judgmental towards their male friends, so he will probably retain most of his friendship circle.

"How could she do this to another woman?" - very common thing to hear, both in RL and TV/films etc
"How could he do this to another man?" - literally have never heard in this context.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 10:32

Perhaps his family and friends won't want to know the full story. They may see it as none of their business.

I have lots of divorced friends and I don't know the ins and outs of why it happened.

Sodamncaughtinthemiddle · 05/10/2019 10:35

I don't think friends and family will want to know all the ins and outs.
In time they will be an accepted couple or they will break up.

Original poster
Usernamemcname · 05/10/2019 10:35

@FuriousVexation very true. My friend feels no real anger towards the OW. I mean, she didn't betray anyone apart from her DH. I can't understand the anger directed at OW.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 05/10/2019 10:38

It will work out just like any other relationship. The suggestion that " they've got nobody" means nothing - they have each other and that's all they need in the short term. Long term , family will come around pretty fast, some of their old friends will come around, and within a year or so they'll be indistinguishable from any other couple.

middlemuddle · 05/10/2019 10:45

Why do either of you give a shit? Leave them to it, they've made their bed.

MrsEricBana · 05/10/2019 10:49

Your poor bf. It may or may not work out for her husband but she must try not to torture herself over that as all she's really trying to do is convince herself it can't possibly work out and he'll come back. Unfortunately he almost certainly won't so, obviously not immediately but as time goes on, she'll need to try and move forward. Easier said than done but from seeing what has happened to several of my friends, the ones that accepted their spouse was gone and got on with their lives have ended up much happier and more quickly than those who tortured themselves thinking they'd return. I don't know how I'd be in the same situation and her reaction is understandable, plus of course she would be worried about him if she loves him. I hope she finds happiness going forward.

HennyPennyHorror · 05/10/2019 10:51

I know how you feel OP. One of DH's best mates did this. Waited till his youngest child was 18 and a week later, left for a colleague.

He'd been with his wife for over 20 years. He was 45 and so was his wife.

The worst of it was that a year or so before this, he persuaded his wife to take out credit cards and they remortgaged their house to "save his business"

The business went to shit anyway...so he left and they had to sell the house. His wife now lives alone in a rental. Her kids aged 19 and 21 left to live with their partners.

So in the space of a year or so, she went from a happy family of 4 to living alone in a rented flat.

The woman he left to live with has two smallish kids...it's as though he wanted to repeat that stage of his life again...his kids were big...about to leave...he didn't want to be left alone with his wife...so he found someone else.

All his mates dumped him...not one has stayed in touch with him.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/10/2019 10:53

I thought statistically there if both of you got together through cheating there is a higher than average chance if it not working out as both of you know what the other is capable of.

Saying that, that's on a population level and there is no way of knowing how its going to last at an individual level unless she is a psychologist or something and has seen them interacting.

I guess they must have felt very strongly to both leave their partners and get together immediately.

I agree he wont lose all his friends. It may be awkward for mutual friends but if my friend did something like that unless I knew the ins and outs I would probably just think that you never know what happens in someone elses marriage and remain friends. That doesnt mean I approve of his behaviour. I think it would be different if I was friends with both of them as then remaining friends with him is sending more of a message to his wife who is already hurt

GinNotGym19 · 05/10/2019 10:56

This happens more than she would probably think by reading the relationship boards.
It might work, it might not!
If I was her I’d be grateful she has no kids with him, I have two with my stbxh and he’s a nightmare and will remain in my life forever!
I wouldn’t be so naive to think he will keep paying half, in a few months he’ll stop paying. She should focus on getting her finances in order and getting divorced and money settled. It may seem amicable now but divorces always get messy when it comes to money

Daaps · 05/10/2019 10:58

My uncle and aunt started off as a workplace affair. They recently celebrated their golden wedding anniversary. I’ve known other people to have quite long clandestine affairs that have barely made it to teatime on the day the partners found out.

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