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Original poster

To wonder how this affair will work out?

54 replies

Usernamemcname · 05/10/2019 09:56

My bf has just been left by her husband for his married colleague, every cliche going! They work in the same team in the finance industry, socialise only with other people from work, exercise together and now they're going to get a little flat together till the divorces are finalised.
How could this possibly end well for them? They've got no one, most of their friends and family have turned their backs due to the shocking way they treated their spouses. They are also going to end up spending all their time together, which might kill the passion quite quickly. Oh and they have no money as they've both offered to keep paying half of the bills for their ex's.
My friend isn't on MN and she keeps asking me how this is going to work out for him.

OP posts:
TimeForNewStart · 05/10/2019 10:58

leaving her for another woman on the following Tuesday isn't sending very clear signs that your marriage is over

There really isn’t a clearer sign that a marriage is over that someone leaving you. She is clutching at straws.

fotheringhay · 05/10/2019 11:02

Oh my God Henny that poor woman!

Marriage vows mean f all these days I've found. At literally any moment one partner can walk away. I'll never trust a relationship again.

bluebeck · 05/10/2019 11:04

Your friend would do better to stop thinking about how this relationship will go - they may be happy ever after, it's not really any of her concern now.

She should be focusing on herself and the best way forward for her.

Time wasted thinking about them is self harm and pointless.

diddl · 05/10/2019 11:04

Hope she isn't pregnant!

But I agree that she needs to not bother herself about her ex.

It'll work or not, they have colleagues as friends & will probably make new friends.

YouWhoNeverArrived · 05/10/2019 11:07

DH and I were married to other people when we met. We'd known each other 5 weeks when we left our spouses and "ran away together". His divorce was horrendously acrimonious and his ex made all kinds of false allegations about him, so he was never tempted to go back to her, and his family all 100% backed his decision to leave her and felt her behaviour after the split just vindicated his decision.

In fairness, we both lost friends at the time, and we still don't have loads of friends, but we have a reasonable social life, and we have each other. We're now happily married with one child and another on the way.

I wouldn't waste your energy worrying that your friend's husband has made a mistake. Like any relationship, it might work out, or it might not.

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 11:10

Marriage vows mean f all these days I've found. At literally any moment one partner can walk away.

That's always been the case in countries where divorce is legal?

ShirleyPhallus · 05/10/2019 11:11

I know a couple like this, both senior directors at a City firm who had an affair and left their spouses. They are now married and outwardly are quite happy

But for about two years they had to have counselling because there was zero trust. They’d have bust ups (the police called on several occasions), they’d have fights and arguments on nights out, drinks thrown - that kind of thing. They’ve got young teenage children who went to exclusive private schools but went completely went off the rails and the 12 year old girl got expelled for giving another boy a blow job at school (so did he).

So, technically they’re still married and ok. But it was a bloody long fight and both their previous spouses went on to have happy marriages of their own. It can work, but I’d imagine you’d always have trust issues

ShirleyPhallus · 05/10/2019 11:16

Why do either of you give a shit?

Of COURSE you’d give a shit!! How couldn’t you?!

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 11:17

I think the PP who said Why do either of you give a shit?, meant whether the relationship will work out or not.

fotheringhay · 05/10/2019 11:29

Oh yeah of course Worra you're quite right, silly me Hmm

WorraLiberty · 05/10/2019 11:31

I don't know what the face is for, fotheringhay?

Are you saying it's better to not be able to walk away from a marriage you don't want to stay in?

Or are you saying people are too quick to get married nowadays and should think about it more?

1onelyranger · 05/10/2019 11:31

It's so hard to stop loving and caring for someone, even in this kind of situation. When this happened to me my ex had a terrible time. He lost a lot of friends, didn't have support from his family for quite a while, ended up on antidepressants and eventually had a breakdown and had to take about 2 months off work. It was horrible to know that this was happening and not be able to help.

It's a few years on and he's met someone else. They're trying for a baby and I like to think that he's happy again.

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 11:37

Do they have kids?

He may try and keep his fingers in both pies for a while, so she should be aware of that.

1300cakes · 05/10/2019 11:37

It will either work out fine or it won't, same as any other relationship. I wish I could say for your friends sake, they will definitely be unhappy and lonely and break up in five minutes. But that isn't how I've seen it play out irl.

Lots of people work in the same industry as their DP, live in small flats and exercise together. In fact that describes me (without the affair part), and I'm perfectly happy.

Their family will get over it - it's an affair, not murder. Some of their friends will, others may drift away but that happens over time anyway. Same thing happens when a couple breaks up amicably with no affair.

Your friend has a right to be angry and devastated, and the guy sounds shit. But it's pointless her trying to reassure herself that he will break up soon and be hated by all friends and family, which likely won't happen.

ShippingNews · 05/10/2019 11:40

Your friend shouldn't get too comfortable , with ex paying half her bills. That'll wear off pretty quickly once he realises that 1) he doesn't have to , and 2) he is very poor because of it. His guilt will wear off and she'll have to start paying her own bills.

PlaceYourItemInTheBaggingArea · 05/10/2019 11:50

They may start cheating on each other when they get bored as they have both already proved with their disgusting and vile behaviour. They may go on to skip hand in hand through their nearest wheat field. The scum bags deserve each other and at least they're out of the market whilst they're all loved up.

Your friend should get herself sorted financially, get to a clinic and learn what she can from this. The poor woman, she's well rid.

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:05

It's impossible to know how it will work out. Some relationships will collapse and some will endure. A friend of mine took great pains to tell everyone individually at our AmDram rehearsal that "I've left my husband and I'm now living with the man I love"
It was a bit Hmm at the time, but 30 years later they are still together and happy grandparents.

AJPTaylor · 05/10/2019 12:06

It's impossible to know isn't it? It might work out for them.

supersop60 · 05/10/2019 12:06

I meant to add - just support your friend, she needs you.

Mamasaurus82 · 05/10/2019 12:12

Your friend needs to focus on herself for a while. She needs to put all this out of her mind. (Easier said than done, I realise). You do too OP. I know you said you were concerned for him as well as known him a long time. When it's his fault it ended I think you need to stand by your friend and forget about his feelings. She is the one that needs your focus now. Find fun new things to try together, exercise, encourage her to socialise. It's a tough time. Good luckSmile

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 12:19

Might work out. Might not.

People are shocked and distanced themseleves. I bet you anything a in a year some of those people have stopped distancing themselves and are in regular contact with him again or he has some new friends.

I know a woman who walked out on her marriage for OM. Although nothing physical had happened and she was prepared to single if it turned out he wasnt that bothered. Everyone was so shocked great couple, great as individuals, very happy together. Talk of having children.

Truth was she wasnt being herself. She met her husband and dated him and married him because that was what was expected. Everyone talked about how great they were so while she knew deep down it wanst what she wanted she believed she should want it. Eventually she realised she could keep living this life because everyone else told her how great she had it.

She too moved to small flat. People thought she had lost her mind. 10 years later she is very happy. She is herself. Still with the man that was the OM. She changed her career. Another thing she was doing because people told her how great her job must be.

I dont condone cheating. But you arent asking that. You are asking if it will work out. Maybe it will.

I have known quite a few people shock those around them with things they have done, left relationships (not cheating) started over, career change. Because they realised they were so focused on what society tells us we should want (long term relationship, kids, good career etc) they didnt think about what they actually wanted and what made then the happiest.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 05/10/2019 12:23

To be honest the fact they have nobody else might just make it even more likely to work, they only have each other. People however in 6 months time will be over the shock and they will be friends again, it will quickly become yesterday’s news as they haven’t murdered anyone or anything.

Affairs are wrong obviously but someone doesn’t leave a marriage and end up in this situation unless they are 100% sure

Your friend needs to try and move her own life forward instead of sitting wondering how this will play out as nobody can answer that question only time will tell. It might last a year, it might last 20 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fantie · 05/10/2019 12:38

He will probably knock up the other women pretty quick if he was trying for a baby

Sotiredofthislife · 05/10/2019 12:44

Another way is that having unprotected sex with your wife on the Friday and leaving her for another woman on the following Tuesday isn't sending very clear signs that your marriage is over

Actually, it’s a very clear sign the marriage is over. He cares so little for his ex that he puts her at risk of disease and pregnancy knowing full well that he’s on his way out (because he’ll have been planning it for a while). He has simply exercised his ‘right’ over the physical and emotional parts of his wife whilst not giving a fuck that he’s doing the same elsewhere. He is scum. Utter scum. Please, please, please get her to check for pregnancy at the earliest opportunity because as someone who’s lived the exact same thing, it took me a while to process whether or not I wanted to continue the pregnancy. Don’t let her put her head in the sand as time is short if abortion is an option. I can tell you that my ex went on to behave appallingly because he didn’t want to be the man that left his pregnant wife. He told shameful lies, emptied bank accounts, took what he wanted from the house and ultimately, the roof from over our heads. I lost friends who made a choice to believe him. I spent thousands in the courts getting a divorce and a fair settlement (he tried to leave me with nothing) and in sorting child arrangements (he tried to remove them from my care). I have had Social Services on my doorstep, benefit fraud people on my doorstep, the police on my doorstep.

The one thing that kept me sane was a good friend who saw him for what he was and who again and again brought me back to reality when I wandered off into the realms of the wonderful man that I had married. That man disappeared and will never return. The sooner your friend accepts that (and it is very, very hard), the sooner she genuinely moves on.

Oh, and his relationship didn’t last. And nor have his subsequent relationships.

hiddenworlds · 05/10/2019 12:44

Honestly- people start with outrage and defending the wife who has been left.

Within 6 month he and his new partner will be out with all of their previous couple friends and his ex wife will be at home alone.

Sorry.

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