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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Stressing about DH family staying at our house immediately after birth of baby?

63 replies

Peonielamp · 04/10/2019 13:33

AIBU to being getting really stressed and upset over DH's family coming to stay at our house immediately after the birth of our baby?

DH is from glasgow and I we live 250 miles away in England. I will be getting induced soon and it will be a Friday. MIL, SIL and step daughter will be travelling here on the sat and staying at our house with DH Gran and Aunt getting a local hotel. We have three bed house and when I asked where everyone will be sleeping the plan is MIL and SIL in my daughters bed. My daughter and step daughter downstairs on the sofa. Theres no bed in the nursery so that room cant be used. The plan is for them to stay Sat - Tue

Im really stressing out. The induction can take days anyway and due to complications the baby will be kept in for monitoring etc for a minimum of 24 hours.

I just keep thinking if the induction goes quicker and I'm only in for 24 hours I could be at home late Sunday and I dont know how I going to cope having all these people in my house. I remember having visitors as soon as I was home with DD1 and it was awful. I was exhausted and just wanted to be left and I'm really scared it's going to be the same this time. To make matters worse I suffered with anxiety and depression previously which I'm really scared of returning postpartum.

My dilemma is my DH's DD will be 11 this year and she is the only grandchild. So in-laws are so excited to be getting another grandchild/niece and with then living so far away I feel like I cant say no to them coming to stay and I get on really well with them, but all I keep thinking is the only place in my whole house where I can be alone is my bedroom and i hate the thought of being confined there and not being able to go and sit in my living room because there will be children sleeping there on a night and full of people though the day.

Thank you if you're still reading this point because I know I've rambled on but i just dont know what to do and dont want to discuss with DH incase I upset him/in-laws :(

OP posts:

user1480880826 · 04/10/2019 13:36

No no no no no no no. Do NOT let them stay with you that soon after the baby is born. That is an incredibly bad idea. I can’t believe any reasonable person would ever impose themselves on a family so soon after the arrival of a baby. You will be exhausted, you will have had no sleep. The last thing you need is houseguests. You’ll probably want nothing more than to sit on your sofa with your boobs out while your partner brings you chocolate bars. Please don’t let this happen. Tell them to wait a week or two and when they do come tell them to rent a house or stay in a hotel.

meccacos2 · 04/10/2019 13:37

Whoa!!! I would not want this at all!!

I wouldn’t have visitors stay at all right after the birth - it’s completely unreasonable. Not just the MIL and SIL but your partners extended family will be visiting all freaking day as they are staying in a hotel!!!

Which means you will be confined to your room!!

Why can’t they all get a hotel?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/10/2019 13:38

SD being there is normal but wtf are the others piling in? And your DD and SD being relegated to the sofa? No! Madness.

When you’ve had your baby, are home and comfortable and ready you can people visit. Not before. A horde of people tapping their watches in your home is the very last thing to help you have a quick good delivery.

Have you two discussed this or is he dictating plans to you?

You’re meant to look forward to being home after you’ve had a baby and I’d be dreading it in this crazy set up.

Drogosnextwife · 04/10/2019 13:38

That would be a definite no from me. Fuck having guests to stay when you come home from hospital with a new baby.

Chottie · 04/10/2019 13:40

No, no, no x 1000 times

(and I am a DGM and a MiL). I just can't understand why they even want to stay at your home when you have just given birth. Please tell them no.

Shayisgreat · 04/10/2019 13:42

Ah is there any way they could stay at a hotel or airbnb? That is way too much to be worrying about! Your DH is going to have to put his foot down and tell them that it's too much.

Do none of them remember having a baby themselves? How can any of them think this is ok?

MulticolourMophead · 04/10/2019 13:42

Either they all stay in a hotel, while not spending all day in your house, or they can wait and stay at another time when you've had rest and feel more with it.

Don't allow them to monopolise the baby if they do come, and don't pander to any accusations of it not being "fair".

You and your baby are the most important people in this situation, you need to be able to rest, bond, establish feeding, etc. The baby does not need to be passed around like a doll, that's not in their best interests.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/10/2019 13:42

You have a voice, use it. This plan is absolutely ridiculous and your husband is an idiot for not realising this himself.

Oysterbabe · 04/10/2019 13:43

Either they stay in a hotel or postpone for 2 weeks.

Sugartits87 · 04/10/2019 13:43

That's much too much. I can't quite fathom the entitlement and cheek of people who think it's ok to impose on others so soon after giving birth! I had a friend come to stay for 2 nights when my son was about 6 weeks old and even that was hellish. It's all about routine and being settled at that time. Tell them sorry but no.

Morgan12 · 04/10/2019 13:44

No chance.

I got induced and everything went totally tits up. Lost ton of blood, in hospital for 3 days. I was ill when I got home. And I mean thought I'd die any minute ill.

Obviously this is the worst case scenario and your induction will probably be a breeze in comparison. BUT what if it's not? And you need to go home to a house full of people.

This is such a bad idea, I'd speak to your DH and see if theres another option here.

Windydaysuponus · 04/10/2019 13:45

As a dgm it's cfery. And no offense to your gorgeous squishy baby but who wants to put themselves through newborn noise by choice?
Send them ALL the link to the air B&B app.
Or stay in hospital until they have gone!

AllTheCakes · 04/10/2019 13:46

This is an absolutely terrible idea. Why do they have to come so soon after the birth? You will need a few weeks to recover before an influx of guests in your home.

megletthesecond · 04/10/2019 13:48

No. No. No.
They can stay in a hotel. Otherwise they will ruin those first days with your dc. You need peace to recover and you and your DH need to find your feet.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/10/2019 13:48

@Peonialamp - you have every right to say No to this batshit-crazy plan!!

The very most your ILs should be proposing is staying in a hotel nearby, and visiting you and the baby at home - but not staying all day, unless YOU are happy with this!

I have adult sons, and I can understand the excitement at the impending arrival of a new baby in the family, but even if it were my first grandchild, I would NOT be imposing on my son and daughter-in-law in this way!

AlpacaGoodnight · 04/10/2019 13:48

Please speak up now, you already know this won't go well! Your dau Worse comes to worse can you stay in hospital an extra night or 2? Where I gave birth I asked to go home after 1 night but many stayed 3-4 nights (some longer in the midwife led unit). Your daughter should not have to give up her bed at what could be a stressful time for her worrying about you and the upcoming changes.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2019 13:49

NO.

Rafflesway · 04/10/2019 13:49

Good Lord no. YADNBU!

Have you voiced your concerns to your DH? If you get along well with your IL's then surely they would understand if he explained things and asked them to hold off for a week.

This plan has stress and disaster written all over it and I speak as one who tends to get irritated by people who don't want visitors for several days after birth. In my day it was the norm for everyone to visit within a matter of hours following the birth but they certainly didn't stay for long and most DEFINITELY NOT overnight.

Please stop this plan before they buy advance train tickets or similar.

custardbear · 04/10/2019 13:50

Step daughter should stay, everyone else stays in a hotel, if not before you come home, but definitely after you come home!

Babdoc · 04/10/2019 13:52

OP, it’s YOUR house! You don’t have to have ANY guests in it unless you actually want them and invite them.
Stop fretting about whether it will “upset them”, and focus on the fact it will most definitely upset YOU!
Please, find your self assertiveness and your voice. Start having healthy boundaries. Learn to say NO. The sky will not fall in if the bloody relatives have to wait a few weeks to see the baby. Your needs as a new mother come first.

Expressedways · 04/10/2019 13:53

Hell no. They should go to the hotel.

flibbedygibbet · 04/10/2019 13:53

Jesus Christ (sorry for blaspheming)! You've already done the newborn baby thing once??? How is this even being considered then?

If you don't start putting your foot down now with this family, drawing some lines, as lovely as they may or may not be, you're setting yourself up for a life of stress not just a few days. Don't be a complete doormat, you're going to regret it.

EmiliaAirheart · 04/10/2019 13:55

There are no terms strong enough to describe how awful that would be. Honestly just don’t.

If the family (your husband included can’t put your needs first after you’ve gestated a human for nine months and got through delivery, when the fuck will they?

Also, remember your needs (rest, privacy, space) are also your baby’s needs! Without that, you may struggle to establish breastfeeding or sometimes a stressful start can set off PND. If you don’t say no for yourself, do it for you baby, who needs nothing more than you right now.

MulticolourMophead · 04/10/2019 13:56

For your own wellbeing, which comes well ahead of your inlaws desire to meet the baby, this plan needs to be stopped in its tracks.

Your DH needs to prioritise you, so that you get the rest and space you need to recover.

What if you end up having a CS? Or other issues that makes the situation more complicated?

I've seen it too often that new mothers end up putting themselves at the bottom of the list because everyone else gets demanding.

AudacityOfHope · 04/10/2019 13:59

There's a decent chance it'll be an almost pointless visit. If you get induced on Friday, you could easily not have the baby until Sunday, maybe get home on Monday, or Tuesday depending on your recovery, and how the baby is feeding, etc. So it's possible you'd only see them a couple of times at visiting hours.

However. I'd still say it's a hard no. You need to know you can go home into your sanctuary. You're likely to have stitches somewhere and you will NOT be up to entertaining.

The whole thing is madness!!

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