Stressing about DH family staying at our house immediately after birth of baby?

[Peonielamp]

AIBU to being getting really stressed and upset over DH's family coming to stay at our house immediately after the birth of our baby?

DH is from glasgow and I we live 250 miles away in England. I will be getting induced soon and it will be a Friday. MIL, SIL and step daughter will be travelling here on the sat and staying at our house with DH Gran and Aunt getting a local hotel. We have three bed house and when I asked where everyone will be sleeping the plan is MIL and SIL in my daughters bed. My daughter and step daughter downstairs on the sofa. Theres no bed in the nursery so that room cant be used. The plan is for them to stay Sat - Tue

Im really stressing out. The induction can take days anyway and due to complications the baby will be kept in for monitoring etc for a minimum of 24 hours.

I just keep thinking if the induction goes quicker and I'm only in for 24 hours I could be at home late Sunday and I dont know how I going to cope having all these people in my house. I remember having visitors as soon as I was home with DD1 and it was awful. I was exhausted and just wanted to be left and I'm really scared it's going to be the same this time. To make matters worse I suffered with anxiety and depression previously which I'm really scared of returning postpartum.

My dilemma is my DH's DD will be 11 this year and she is the only grandchild. So in-laws are so excited to be getting another grandchild/niece and with then living so far away I feel like I cant say no to them coming to stay and I get on really well with them, but all I keep thinking is the only place in my whole house where I can be alone is my bedroom and i hate the thought of being confined there and not being able to go and sit in my living room because there will be children sleeping there on a night and full of people though the day.

Thank you if you're still reading this point because I know I've rambled on but i just dont know what to do and dont want to discuss with DH incase I upset him/in-laws :(

Hell no!

I’m panicking just reading your op. They need to be told to stay away until invited. Were you consulted about this ludicrous plan?

NO, No, No and No.

Absolutely no way. Stand up for yourself OP or this will be the first of many.

This is actually one of the worst intended plans I’ve ever seen on here.

Never mind how long it takes for an induction to work, sometimes there’s even a delay getting the induction drugs themselves! Your in-laws could rolling around your house constantly checking their phones for updates only to be told “no movement yet.”

I honestly don’t understand the attraction with this idea, it’s madness. In this day and age when everyone has a smartphone and WhatsApp can they not coo over daily photos until they can get up the following weekend?

Just say no OP! You're already stressing out about it. Imagine how stressful it would be when the time actually comes! Please just tell them no but they're very welcome to come and visit you and your new arrival a few weeks later once you've all settled into your new routine and no they bloody won't staying but can book a hotel

Just say no. They can visit after you have settled. How rude to even ask can you stay with someone who has a new baby!

Are these people maniacs?

Who would do this to a woman who had just had a baby.

Your DH needs to put YOU first.

No! Who thought this was a good idea? Make sure your DH knows he will be dancing attendance on you, the new baby and all his family. He will be in shreds by Tuesday!

He will need to shop, cater, make beds, cook, clean, tidy and do endless hot drinks, washing up and baby laundry. What is he thinking? What are they all thinking?

I had just my mum and later my sister after the birth of my twins and that was more than enough!

The smartest thing I did was make big, clear sticky labels for all the kitchen cupboard doors so there was no, "Where do I find the X?" being called endlessly.

Likewise, allocate one armchair as your chair in the sitting room; put a baby blanket on it and make sure everyone knows you have priority. If you walk into the room, anyone in your seat must leap up and make room.

This is a crazy plan and you must protect yourself.

He will need to shop, cater, make beds, cook, clean, tidy and do endless hot drinks, washing up and baby laundry. What is he thinking? What are they all thinking?
I bet he's not even thought of that. He'll be expecting OP or mummy to run around after him I bet.

OP, say no! At least say they can't stay at your house and need to get a hotel. Say the baby will keep them awake and you need the freedom of being able to walk around downstairs while doing night feeds etc. This is the compromise. It's either a hotel or they wait a couple of months until you're feeling back to 'normal' and are up for them staying.

The selfishness of this entire group is baffling, who the hell would think it's ok to come and take over someones home the day you give birth! My BFF has just had a baby and I'm itching to see them both (4 hours away) but wouldn't DREAM of inviting myself over as I know they have a hell of a lot going on and I'll wait for an invite. AND i don't even bloody stay with her I stay with my parents while I'm there.

No,no,and no. you most certainly do not need all this upheaval at this time, just imagine,as I am sure that you have , all those people,when all you need is peace and quiet,and your own space. I would kindly tell them all to come at some later date,when things are more settled with your new baby and all that this entails.

Depends how much you're prepared to stand up for yourself and how fixed the Saturday-Tuesday thing is.

If there's no chance they'll extend past Tuesday, I might try to plead with hospital staff not to be sent home until then.

If that's not an option, I would do what NearlyGranny suggested and set some very clear boundaries.
(Actually, if it were me, I would have sat in my bed and occasionally waddled to the bathroom, because that's what I actually did do IRL, but if that doesn't work for you then no problem).

If you are able to pull it off without permanently alienating DH and family, don't have them to stay at all. Let them stay at a hotel if absolutely necessary, or preferably leave it a few weeks and then come. That's not what I'd do, because I don't have the backbone, but it's by far the best for you and your family.

Tell your DH you would love to see everyone, just not the very second the baby is born. Put them off for at least 2/3 weeks if not longer.

Hi everyone,

I'm so glad I'm not being unreasonable/over sensitive.

Just to be clear DH is amazing, he really is and has not just decided this without consulting with me, and in his defence I have not expressed any concerns over the plans, he's under the impression I'm completely ok with them. And in MIL defence if she were to stay then she would be really helpful, cooking,cleaning etc.

However I really just feel like I need some time with my little family when I'm first home from hospital. We've already agreed that we're not announcing her birth to anyone other than immediate family so we're not inundated with calls, texts, visitors until I'm feeling settled at home.

I'm going to speak to DH when he's home from work and let him know how stressed upset and anxious having MIL and SIL staying would be. I'm hoping they will be ok with getting a hotel once we're discharged and visiting between 10am -6pm.

I feel more guilty because my family live in the same village as us, like literally a few streets away, so it feels like DH's family are getting the raw end of the deal because they live so far away and wont get to visit and see the baby whenever they want. After my emotional breakdown this afternoon though, I have realised my physical and mental health are more important and need to be given priority.

Thank you again for all the responses! They really have helped!!

I think 100% you are right to say no. However if you've gone along with it and told them it was ok and now other people have booked a hotel to coincide with the visit I think it's a bit unfair to say they have to pay for a hotel now. I would find out hotel prices close by and offer to pay for their room. Obviously you have a right to this time and should take it, they are first born for such a short time you don't want to miss it, however the trip was planned and you said it was fine and it's all booked, I think you need to offer to pay.

Visiting between 10am -6pm
But not staying for 8 hour stretches surely?? Unless they’re going to be useful this would be a bonkers idea. Your dsd will be incredibly bored for a start off. She’s only 11.

Jesus christ! Noooooooooo!!!!!

No, no, no & no. The last thing you will want when you arrive home is a house full of visitors. You will want some decent food, your own bed & peace & quiet. You want to be able to wander around in your pjs, use the bathroom when you want, privacy when the midwife calls, sleep when you can, privacy until you get the hang of BF, not have to worry about if you are bleeding & leak or if your boobs leak. Your husband should be making sure you have drinks & snacks at the side of you when you are feeding, helping out with nappy changes , putting a wash on & keeping the house reasonably tidy. Not entertaining a houseful of guests.

Just look after yourselves, important your dc and stepdaughter get time. Can step daughter come for normal contact or at half term, isn't she in school?
Tell the others you will invite them in a couple of weeks.

DH will be fab at looking after me and the baby and doing the household chores, I don't have any concerns at all with that. It's more the fact that we wont have any time alone if they're staying with us.

In regards to step daughter she will have my nearly 8 year old to play with, they get on really well. It will be step daughters half term when they come down.

We normally spend a long weekend in glasgow at the end of the month for contact to help with travel as it's a 4 hour each way journey.

Step daughter will be staying with us and not going to the hotel but I'm hope that MIL/SIL/Gran and Aunty don't stay for the whole 8 hours if my proposed plan is agreed to.

It's just a shit situation. I'm a real home bird, I'm not that sociable in any case and like just being in my own little bubble in my house and that's just me in general, not just pregnant me. But the prospect of having people staying is actually making me hope my induction is prolonged or I'm kept in longer which is the opposite of what I actually want if that makes sense.

I just hope that everyone understands and doesn't think I'm just being controlling

A bit of an out there suggestion but any chance the in laws could stay with your relatives so your home remains your sanctuary?

I feel more guilty because my family live in the same village as us, like literally a few streets away, so it feels like DH's family are getting the raw end of the deal because they live so far away and wont get to visit and see the baby whenever they want.

Maybe point out to them that them coming so soon is not the best way to see the baby? As you and others have said, you might end up not being discharged until it’s basically time for them to go home! If they came later it would surely be a win win - you’d have had a chance to recover, and they’ll be guaranteed to actually spend some time with the baby?

Absolutely no x 1000000. Couldn't think of much worse than anyone staying the night after you've had a baby, let alone a whole family. You need to sort this now and get your DH to postpone them at least a week, and even then everyone needs to be in a hotel!

It's definitely not suitable for them to come & stay, but they are doing you a massive favour by bringing DSD down to stay with her new sibling.

Why on earth do you live in a different country to your DH's child though? Surely if you lived closer he could be a better father to his existing DC?

You keep reiterating that he's a great Dad, but how is that possible when he sees his DC so rarely?

I don't want to derail the thread but it does fuck me off when fathers dump their first child, but move on to have (& live with) subsequent ones; it must be very damaging for the first born.

Sort out a local hotel/ get them to sort out a local hotel.

Even if your DH was doing EVERYTHING to prepare for their visit, I'd say no. And I'm betting he isn't going to do that.

Your welfare and that of your new baby have to come first. It isn't like you and the baby are going to disappear immediately after the birth! They can wait.