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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it too soon to take the hard line?

60 replies

babycatcher411 · 04/10/2019 11:27

Sorry this is probably a long one.

Is it too soon to take ‘the hard line’?

Ds1 started high school this year, and it’s been one hiccup after another. He has not transitioned well from an organisational point of view, but otherwise is thoroughly enjoying it.

He has never been the most organised of children (nor am I as an adult), and I’ve often had to find strategies to help him. He is also a very, very distractible person. This was an issue that was brought up at most parents evenings in primary school.
To put it into perspective DS can make unloading the dishwasher (a pocket money job) take half an hour. And that’s without even having left the room to do anything else.

Since starting high school, DS has been terrible with his morning routine, basic jobs are taking ages to do, and he leaves in the morning usually in a rush having not completed his jobs (he was getting up at 0715, to leave at 0835, so a fair amount of time) which initially were to get dressed and make his bed, pack his bag and make his pack up, have breakfast, feed his rabbits and empty the dishwasher. Of which he was leaving most days having achieved the barest minimum.

He manages to make basic homework’s, which should take maybe up to 30 mins, take hours because he gets distracted and I’m constantly having to remind him to focus.

He has also lost his rugby shirt the day he got it, and kept ‘forgetting’ to go and look for it, or ask about lost property.
Lost his school trousers (after a club), ditto above about going looking for them
He has gone to morning club having forgotten his lunch and his blazer
‘Lost’ his school shoes whilst staying at my mums, which were found under his quilt (which was chucked on the floor), when he assured mum he has looked for them.
He’s left homework at school, so had to request a digital copy of the homework (they have an app to talk to the teachers/for homework deadlines)
He’s forgotten his English and Science homework resulting in x2 detentions (both which were found on his ‘tidy’ bedroom floor)

And I received a text message at 0850 this morning to say ‘I need my English and French homework’. Which I can only presume means he’s left them at home. Meaning 2 more detentions.

I honestly don’t know what to do for him, aside packing his bag for him which isn’t going to help the long term disorganisation.

After his detentions last week, me and my sister spent some time with him talking about how to help him be more organised. We talked about writing a check list he can use when he’s packing his bag (and actively gave him time to go write this list, which he didn’t do).
We set reminders for packing his bag the night before and making his lunch.
We asked him to set morning alarms that will help him get up early enough (he managed to set them for 6:30 PM not AM)
Agreed that feeding/sorting the rabbits, and doing the recycling could be evening jobs not morning jobs.
We did discuss other options, but those were the ones agreed on which would help him.

DP happened to be home still this morning when I received the message re today’s homework, and he said that it’s time to take a hard line, gadget ban all weekend. He thinks the softly softly approach I take/have taken is clearly not helping, and it’s time to take away the fun stuff/the distractions.
I don’t know if this is going to help or hinder.
We are only week 4 of high school, and it’s a big transition for them, but equally he always been terrible with getting his pocket money jobs done (even before high school) and DP thinks I’ve probably let him get away with it too often, so he needs firmer/stricter consequences.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is. Any help or advice would be very gratefully received.

OP posts:
mankyfourthtoe · 04/10/2019 11:33

Are there any learning difficulties (dyspraxia)
One dad had a box file for each day, when homework was done I was put in the day of its next lesson eg Friday. And a note in there if she needed an instrument. All pe kit went straight in the wash then back in the bag.
Other dd couldn't handle that and literally took everything to school each day. Pe kit came home at the weekend and back on a Monday, she had a locker.

mankyfourthtoe · 04/10/2019 11:34

But it is a massive learning curve this early on, and I'd still have been supporting both of them at this stage.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/10/2019 11:47

I think at this stage you need to set the alarms and write the checklist and direct him to look at it first in order to get the routine of doing these things established first. Then when he has the routine down, he can start setting his own alarms and take over reminding himself to look at his checklists.

It is a big transition for him and he’s only been there a month so there will be issues until he settles in. I think the best way to get it sorted is for you to take charge of his routine until he is doing it in his sleep. Then he can take it over himself.

EKGEMS · 04/10/2019 11:51

It sounds Ike ADHD

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/10/2019 11:51

I have a whiteboard in the kitchen by the toaster with each family members to do list in their own colour. So my eldest DS is green and he knows his column is the middle column. The list is written in chronological order of how they should be done- opening his curtains and window is first as that is done straight out of bed. Then making his bed. Then bringing his washing down (because at this stage he’s coming downstairs.)

DS also has one in his room with the days of the week on and listed under each day is what he needs for that day (eg Pe gear/ instrument/money for home economics etc)

Does your DS have a homework diary? If so get yourself into the habit of asking to see it each evening and asking him to show you the work has been done and direct him to put it in his bag there and then.

Hederex · 04/10/2019 12:25

I think a list is a very good idea. That said, I think he has too many morning expectations for a child his age. I'd make his lunch and do the dishwasher, finding him another chore for after school instead. Then get him to master a basic list first.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 04/10/2019 12:30

I'm wondering why the dishwasher has to be emptied in the morning as opposed to later on by whoever is in the house or when he gets home.

I also, as a PP suggested, thought it may be dyspraxia or similar. I don't think punishment is the next step unless he is deliberately wasting time ie playing on a phone when he's supposed to be tidying/doing homework.

MadameForest · 04/10/2019 12:32

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seaweedandmarchingbands · 04/10/2019 12:33

Assuming you have no concerns about SEN, yes, do it. No gadgets until he gets his act together for school. I bet it works.

BlueJava · 04/10/2019 12:35

I'd have a stern chat about remaining focussed and if he gets rewards for doing things then they have to be done in a certain time. He should pack his bag and get school things out the night before to cut down on time too. I would not be taking homework to school - he needs to bear the consequences of not having them.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 04/10/2019 12:44

It’s only been 4 weeks. It’s a big learning curve and it’s harder for some than the others.
Definitely get him doing more the night before like packing his bag and rabbit stuff.
Get him a checklist that he has tick every day when he’s done it. Work on it together rather than just expecting him to do it by himself.
Where is he doing his homework?

If you think the gadgets are distracting him then take them off him. No gaming during the week.

Help him to get it right. I don’t think he’s doing any of this on purpose.

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2019 12:46

Lunch could be made the night before.

Dishwasher could be emptied when he comes home.

He needs time to settle in and homework should be the priority.

PhilomenaButterfly · 04/10/2019 12:51

DD's also just started yr7, she's also very disorganized.

At the start of yr6 her teacher told me to stop organising her, a term in, she was telling me to start doing it again, as she (the teacher) was worried that DD would have endless detentions in yr7 if I didn't. I organise her as much as I can. She may have inherited my shit executive function, so I'll help her for now, then gradually give her more responsibility.

PhilomenaButterfly · 04/10/2019 12:55

EKGEMS I don't have ADHD, nor does DD. It's poor executive function, which could be due to ADHD, autism, or nothing.

ILiveInSalemsLot · 04/10/2019 12:56

I stopped organising in yr 9 for dc1 and I never needed to organise dc2.
Dc1 is managing everything perfectly well now but i prompted him for everything in yr7 and most of yr8.
They do get there eventually but some just need to be helped more.

Original poster
babycatcher411 · 04/10/2019 12:58

Thanks for the replies everyone

@mankyfourthtoe no diagnosed difficulties. Though 4 dyslexics and a dyspraxia adult in the direct family, so a quite possible issue. I don’t think he’s ever ticked enough boxes for school to even consider flagging it up as an issue though.

@JoxerGoesToStuttgart I think that’s probably I good idea, I need to take over the ‘overseeing’ of his routine and what he’s doing much more so, and we can work on his independence slowly.
Your whiteboard idea sounds like what I was trying to achieve with his packing bag checklist, I maybe should’ve sat with him to write the lists instead of leaving him to do these himself. We did used to have a whiteboard in the kitchen with his pocket money jobs on it, but he’d just forget to tick things off, even if he did them.
They have a homework planner, and now and app, which I’ve kept on top of checking myself/checking with him, so it’s not that he’s not done the work, he just forgets to put it in his bag.

@Hederex @ @TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup it’s possible I’m expecting too much in the morning. The dishwasher came about as a morning job years ago when he asked to have jobs for pocket money, and that was the only one that he could consistently do each day, but needed doing in the morning as it’s ran overnight, and if he doesn’t do it, then I do it during the day else the breakfast/daytime pots sit out all day. So it’s a job he’s been doing for years. Doing his lunch as one that was ‘added’ with his transition to high school so that’s clearly one too many things I’ve added for him.

Gadgets are definitely a significant distraction, hence DP view that he needs a ‘ban’. He will often go upstairs to do x-job and be found fiddling away on his phone/iPad. The PlayStation isn’t so much an issue as he knows he specifically has to ask to go on it (and gets a set time), but we’ve not done as good a job of policing his phone and iPad.

OP posts:
TheDarkPassenger · 04/10/2019 12:59

I could have written this! He’s getting better now after he’s realised that at big school the teachers don’t take no shit

Original poster
babycatcher411 · 04/10/2019 13:01

@ILiveInSalemsLot
I think you’re right, he’s not doing any of it deliberately. He’s just driving me a bit bonkers. But I don’t want to over punish him, if actually my expectations are too high.

He does his homework at his desk in his room. But I think maybe we should transition that to doing it at the dining table for the mean time. I can keep a closer eye then/help more easily.

OP posts:
JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/10/2019 13:02

“I'm in France and very few children have ADHD or dyspraxia diagnosis that I know about here”

Fixed that for you.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/10/2019 13:03

I maybe should’ve sat with him to write the lists instead of leaving him to do these himself

Yes I think so, just to get him started off. If he’s like my son he would go off to write his list and have to come back every half an hour to ask me what goes next on the list Grin

FizzyIce · 04/10/2019 13:05

I do think the lunch should be done night before and the dishwasher should be left till after school.
I’m quite organised but even I wouldn’t have time to make a packed lunch in the morning and empty the dishwasher before I leave the house .

Coffeeandchocolate9 · 04/10/2019 13:05

I'm not sure getting up earlier will help - teenagers and pre-teenage circadian rhythms are later.

beachysandy81 · 04/10/2019 13:07

The school are punishing him already so I would just support him more until he is better at organising himself.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 04/10/2019 13:08

One thing that might help him quicken up when doing his morning stuff is to put the time the job should be started beside the task eg:

7:15: wake up, get dressed
7:20: make bed, open curtains, put laundry in hamper
7:25: make breakfast and eat
7:45: put dishes in sink, make lunch

Etc.

and keep a small clock beside the list. (And get him a watch- if he doesn’t already have one)

Original poster
babycatcher411 · 04/10/2019 13:10

@Coffeeandchocolate9 a good point.

Do you think maybe if I set his bedtime to half an hour later (he goes to bed at 9, reads for half and hour and still takes ages to get to sleep, so maybe he’s not ready to sleep at that time?) but that half an hour is used specifically for getting ready for the next day?

So instead of ready by 9, read to half 9.
He’s to be packing/getting ready from 9-9:30, the read till 10?

OP posts: