Is it too soon to take the hard line?

[babycatcher411]

Sorry this is probably a long one.

Is it too soon to take ‘the hard line’?

Ds1 started high school this year, and it’s been one hiccup after another. He has not transitioned well from an organisational point of view, but otherwise is thoroughly enjoying it.

He has never been the most organised of children (nor am I as an adult), and I’ve often had to find strategies to help him. He is also a very, very distractible person. This was an issue that was brought up at most parents evenings in primary school.
To put it into perspective DS can make unloading the dishwasher (a pocket money job) take half an hour. And that’s without even having left the room to do anything else.

Since starting high school, DS has been terrible with his morning routine, basic jobs are taking ages to do, and he leaves in the morning usually in a rush having not completed his jobs (he was getting up at 0715, to leave at 0835, so a fair amount of time) which initially were to get dressed and make his bed, pack his bag and make his pack up, have breakfast, feed his rabbits and empty the dishwasher. Of which he was leaving most days having achieved the barest minimum.

He manages to make basic homework’s, which should take maybe up to 30 mins, take hours because he gets distracted and I’m constantly having to remind him to focus.

He has also lost his rugby shirt the day he got it, and kept ‘forgetting’ to go and look for it, or ask about lost property.
Lost his school trousers (after a club), ditto above about going looking for them
He has gone to morning club having forgotten his lunch and his blazer
‘Lost’ his school shoes whilst staying at my mums, which were found under his quilt (which was chucked on the floor), when he assured mum he has looked for them.
He’s left homework at school, so had to request a digital copy of the homework (they have an app to talk to the teachers/for homework deadlines)
He’s forgotten his English and Science homework resulting in x2 detentions (both which were found on his ‘tidy’ bedroom floor)

And I received a text message at 0850 this morning to say ‘I need my English and French homework’. Which I can only presume means he’s left them at home. Meaning 2 more detentions.

I honestly don’t know what to do for him, aside packing his bag for him which isn’t going to help the long term disorganisation.

After his detentions last week, me and my sister spent some time with him talking about how to help him be more organised. We talked about writing a check list he can use when he’s packing his bag (and actively gave him time to go write this list, which he didn’t do).
We set reminders for packing his bag the night before and making his lunch.
We asked him to set morning alarms that will help him get up early enough (he managed to set them for 6:30 PM not AM)
Agreed that feeding/sorting the rabbits, and doing the recycling could be evening jobs not morning jobs.
We did discuss other options, but those were the ones agreed on which would help him.

DP happened to be home still this morning when I received the message re today’s homework, and he said that it’s time to take a hard line, gadget ban all weekend. He thinks the softly softly approach I take/have taken is clearly not helping, and it’s time to take away the fun stuff/the distractions.
I don’t know if this is going to help or hinder.
We are only week 4 of high school, and it’s a big transition for them, but equally he always been terrible with getting his pocket money jobs done (even before high school) and DP thinks I’ve probably let him get away with it too often, so he needs firmer/stricter consequences.

I honestly don’t know what the answer is. Any help or advice would be very gratefully received.

I would look to see if he has difficulties in other aspects of his life, tying shoes, handwriting, knowing left from right, throwing & catching, poor balance, are common ones. If he does, speak to your doctor to see if he needs an assessment.

I think you're being far too harsh on him. Year 7 is a huge transition. He shouldn't be having to do chores in the morning. Get him to prepare his bag the night before.

He sounds very much like my dyslexic son. I just admit I check his bag and if there was a lunch needed I would make it, and the night before. I'm too busy myself in the morning to be doing dishes etc so I wouldn't impose that on someone else.

In addition to the timetable/schedule, I think it's really important to move as many jobs as possible to the afternoon before. Not just before bedtime, but as soon as he gets in from school the previous day:

1. Lay out uniform for the next day, including underwear.
2. Pack bag for next day. Leave a list on top of the bag with anything that can't be packed straight away (e.g. because being used for homework).
3. Make packed lunch and put it in the fridge.
4. I don't know what the rabbit's breakfast is, but if possible get that ready in advance.

I'll probably get flamed for making the packed lunch the night before, but we have to leave the house at 7.15am, no way am I faffing around with making lunches then. At a push I reheat something for the flask. It tastes perfectly fine for having been kept in the fridge overnight.

After that has been done, he can have a snack and get on with homework (which should definitely be downstairs).

I would also try to find a different pocket money job to replace one that can only be done in the morning. Could he empty the bins? Clean the loo or shower? Vacuum somewhere?

My DS is very similar to this! He has Aspergers, not saying yours does but might have some of the characteristics and i find this helps me to understand why he struggles with some stuff like this. I generally try to help not punish as I think it works better. Starting high school is pretty overwhelming so i would say cut him some slack for a while till he gets into the swing of it. Agree with others about choosing which things he really needs to do in the morning, and use a timed, very specific list. We've always done this with DS since primary school and he just automatically does packed lunch etc as it's part of routine. Get it established now before he turns into a grumpy teenager and can't wake up in the morning . Re losing things, it does drive me mad! My strategy now is to maybe replace something once, but the second time he has to pay out of his own money, this tends to focus the mind a bit but he still loses stuff!

Your Ds has only started secondary school this year (and we are only really a few weeks in). I assume he is only 11 years of age (or possibly 12 if sept baby), and yet you expect him to have the organisational skills of an adult?
Actually, where are the adults? Is he home alone in the morning? You mention that your Dh was still at home when the homework incident occured (as if this were exception rather than rule). Do we therefore assume that usually your 11 year old child gets up, feeds himself, (hopefully) makes a pack-up, leaves (and secures the property) all on his own? If so, then I think I would be happy with that. Let alone that he needs to do chores. I'm not saying he shouldn't do chores, but it's obviously too much for him in the morning along with everything else he is doing for himself.
I don't wish to sound rude, or unkind but is this level of organisational skill really expected in an 11year old child? (not so much organising school books, and homework, but unloading dishwashers etc.) I am genuinely suprised. Both my 2 needed help and guidance with the transition from Primary to Secondary school, yet in the end they both managed to get good uni degrees,then decent jobs. He's not useless, he's just finding his way - please give him a break.

I’m definitely seeing here the trend is that I’ve set my expectations of what he can achieve in the mornings too high.

Normally in the morning DP is leaving/left for work as we get up at 0715(ish)
I get up at the same time as DS as my alarm is set at the same time. If DS2 stays asleep at this time, then I get up to be with DS1 whilst he gets ready. This would usually involve me milling around doing jobs (tidying) whilst he gets dressed and sorts his bag, then i sit and have a cuppa with him whilst he eats breakfast. By which time DS2 is normally awake a needs a feed and nappy change, whilst DS1 is doing everything else he needs to do.
If DS2 wakes as we do, then normally I am feeding him as DS1 gets dressed and breakfasted.

His jobs start years ago when he used to get up, be dressed/breakfasted/ready with an hour to spare and he wanted to earn pocket money.
He’s just slowed down the older he’s got, the routine hasn’t changed in any way until starting high school when I’ve let him do his own pack up (clearly an issue, definitely taken that on board) and he has more items to put in his bag (also an issue).

This sounds a lot like my kids, my ds started in september we had a plan ( suggested by his old school) how to help him be organised with books in mesh folders going in locker, based on an assumption he'd be doing subjects at similar times every day, but his timetable is all over the place and we had to ditch plan.

I find extra lists dont help.

He needs pe gear in school 4 days and there is no room to store it, like your ds we lost a shirt day 2 but he did retrieve it eventually ( i rang the office secretary and asked her to remind him to look for lost property as he had no idea where it is, and she said none of the 1st years do, so once my ds knew who to ask we located it- but thats an aside) .

To help him, as i find hes tired, two heavy bags most days with pe gear, longer comute etc, leaving house at 7.15, naturally diosorganised and not a kid who worries about getting into trouble by forgetting homework, i have set a set time every evening where its screen free, during this time he looks at timetable ( we printed out a copy for him, for his locker at school, for the fridge) for next day check all books for that are in bag ( first few weeks i then double checked) , the pe bag is ready to go sitting with school bag , thats just replacing airtex shirt for fresh one and putting gum shield in one day, we then get stuff ready and pack for lunch, so all that we do in morning is make sandwich or roll and fill water bottle. lastly he checks his bus ticket and keys are in his pocket- i double check this. phone goes on charger beside the bag so he doesnt forget it- he did the frst few weeks. It sounds like a bitof work but honestly its about 5 minutes when hes focused on getting back on screen. He then showers, and the rest of time is his own. The first few weeks i reminded him of each task in order, now he says it outloud as ehe goes along so ill hear him say checked bus, keys phone, done.

What i cant get him to do is stop bringing home books he doesnt need as he seems putting stuff back in locker is too hard, equally while he goes threw the timetable for next day adding what he needs he doesnt seem good at taking out what he doesnt need- but i want to keep current routine going as its working and if i add to it it might cause problems.

He walks about with a huge heavy bag and says his homework is all online. he will have books for a subject he only has once a week in his bag. We have talked about taking pictures on phone of homework- school alows this, his teacher was very supportive of this idea when i said hes very disorganised at writting homework in jounal etc and said a few kids could benefit from it, but hes not there yet. but its only October so far no detentions and only one lost phone charger as a casualty, i count that a win.

Pocket money chores are all at weekend, during week eveyone is supposed to help out when there.

Can I suggest you buy 5 cardboard magazine holders and mark them Monday-Friday.

Before bed each night when your DS packs his bag for the next day, he checks his timetable and any books not needed are filed in the appropriate holder (i.e. If his next Maths lesson is on Thursday then he puts his book in that holder). This means that he knows that if his book isn't in his bag or in the holder then the teacher has it. It also makes packing his bag easier & quicker.

My DDs are in year 9 now and have been using this system since they started at secondary school and it has worked really well.

I can't take credit for the idea as I nicked it off another Mumsnetter!

This sounds like me as a teenager.

I really struggled to stay organised and was very easily distracted but it slooowly improved & I am now very organised at work (less so at home) because I know I can get side tracked and miss things otherwise.

It's early days for him still. Definitely do not go hard on him. He will want to get it right but is still just learning his own way to stay organised.