Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To think he really has a new woman

58 replies

Joshesgalloshes · 04/10/2019 10:21

Husband ended our marriage at the end of the summer. He doesn’t love me anymore. He has been disengaged and absent for a number of years. He promised me that there is no other woman. Signs are that there is. Can I run them by you for your thoughts please?
Twice a week he arrives home after eleven pm. Meant to finish at six but often works late.
Has a gym bag full of
Toiletries which he takes in and out of his car to his room whenever he is going to be late.
He has s hiding moneyie being paid overtime cash in hand .
Very private with his phone and all passwords and on his phone when he is at home .
Angry and resentful towards me and kids.
Staying overnight in city that he works in.
More hygiene and grooming. New clothes etc.
Free To be with our kids every weekend. So I think of there is a woman she must have kids herself.
Nights he is home late are normally the same eg Monday and Thursday .
I’m turn as I know his work does involve late evenings but since April he has worked so much overtime yet there is no digital evidence of payment or time in lieu . I’m in a fog and would value clarity please.
Finally our children are very sensitive to his absence and are very emotional and full of anxiety. One of our children has asd, the other anxiety.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 10:25

You poor thing. When is he moving out if he’s ended the marriage?

It definitely points to an affair, yes OP.

Original poster

Joshesgalloshes · 04/10/2019 10:28

We are separating formally once our rented house becomes available and our tenants move out. It’s hard to watch him completely disengaged especially from the children and to hear them and be with crying and wondering what’s going on is cruel

OP posts:

Mollymoo01 · 04/10/2019 10:34

He needs to move out ASAP for everyone’s mental wellbeing!

Can he not move into a short term let until your property is ready? Could he stay with family? It’s not doing any of you any good being forced together right now. It’s already showing signs of stress for your DC.

As for the probably of an affair, quite honestly it sounds like he has another relationship, whether that was before or after you called time on the marriage I’m afraid I doubt you’ll every really know for sure.

I know it’s hard but ultimately it doesn’t matter if he has a new relationship, you need to try and set that aside and work on getting him out and settling things down for the DC.

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/10/2019 10:37

And when will that be?
I feel you could be right regarding another woman.
Have you made financial arrangements and contacted a solicitor yet?

Original poster

Joshesgalloshes · 04/10/2019 10:38

Thanks. Yes this is my priority .it is him who called time on it and us who are moving by choice.. nicer area, less isolated , kids friends and school nearby etc .the sooner the better. I despise him for what he has done to our precious children .

OP posts:

Damntheman · 04/10/2019 10:39

I don't think those things necessarily point to an affair. They could well just point towards a man working a lot of overtime and doing everything possible to not be in the home he shares with his ex.

I'm really sad for your kids, and I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time OP. I think in the long run it doesn't really matter if there's somebody else or not, just focus on your and the kids and getting yourselves in a better place emotionally together. He's gone, build your family life without him

Original poster

Joshesgalloshes · 04/10/2019 10:42

No financial arrangemts . Met a solicitor and she wants me to go for the jugular as he wants a share of benefits for the children even though he is only willing to have them three out of fourteen nights .we both W irk full time and earn roughly the same salary . He wants our car sold as we have a loan on it despite him having s fully expenses work car . He is hiding up to two hundred pounds per week .
I expect we will move in a month fingers crossed

OP posts:

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 10:42

I don't think those things necessarily point to an affair. They could well just point towards a man working a lot of overtime and doing everything possible to not be in the home he shares with his ex

Really? Sorry but I think it screams of another woman.

Damntheman · 04/10/2019 10:43

Why is that NoSauce? he's available every weekend for his kids. He's just avoiding being where OP is. Seems perfectly normal for someone who has just non-amicably ended a marriage. I mean sure, there COULD be another woman, but nothing in that scream other woman to me.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 10:46

Maybe but what matters right now for your own mental health is for him to move out I think. He's ended the marriage, he needs to go. You're going to drive yourself crazy when he's there in your face the whole time, watching his every move, trying to figure out where he's going or where he's been

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 10:48

Late home twice a week.
New clothes.
Taking toiletries out with him.
Keeping his phone with him and hiding passwords.
Snappy with the kids.
Staying out overnight with “work”
More hygiene and grooming
Hiding money
Said he doesn’t love his wife anymore

Jesus how many more clues do you need?

Original poster

Joshesgalloshes · 04/10/2019 10:49

We are civil towards eachother and have committed to an amicable and civil split for the benefit of our children’s mental health. Despite me being a screaming mess inside.
My solicitor and counsellor believe that there is another woman but that’s she probably has as children in view of him being available every weekend , considering he does t give a shit about the kids mob to fri and sees the end for approx an hour in total.

OP posts:

HennyPennyHorror · 04/10/2019 10:59

So he leaves you and then he disengages from his kids?? What an absolute arse! how upsetting for you op...I'm sorry you're going through this. How dare he!

RavenLG · 04/10/2019 11:08

Increased grooming habits, late nights out and improving appearances (gym) could be a sign that he is seeing someone (personally wouldn't call this an affair as the relationship has ended). But there is no point in getting yourself worked up about it OP. He is being a massive shit as anyone with a decent moral compass would wait until after you had both left the family home and living separate lives. And from your last update he doesn't give a shit about right or wrong as he is purposely trying to make your life as shit as possible (out of spite it would seem), without realising he is detrimentally affecting your children's lives. I mean what kind of a father and man leaves their children without a car just to be a petty bastard?

You're best off without him OP, and I'd take your solicitors advice. There is no way he would get a share of CB if the living arrangements are 80:20 to you. I'm angry for you on this point, what a dick move.

Jizzle · 04/10/2019 11:32

I don't think this necessarily points to an affair, and besides, even if it did he has 'ended your marriage' in your words, so at the moment all you are is basically housemates.

I would suggest that as he has been detached for a while and moved to end the relationship he is just trying to avoid being at home, staying later in the office or taking on overtime. Trying to get more money is a sensible thing for him to do considering you will soon have separate finances.

VapeVamp12 · 04/10/2019 11:34

Wow he really needs to move out !!

Damntheman · 04/10/2019 11:51

Late home twice a week - explained by not wanting to be in the house with his ex. I wouldn't be surprised if this number ups until it's almost every night.
New clothes A lot of people get new clothes after a break up.
Taking toiletries out with him Point to point 1 - he knows he doesn't want to be home and wants to be ready to be able to sleep over anywhere she isn't.
Keeping his phone with him and hiding passwords This is not weird. They're not together anymore, why would he be open with his phones and give her his passwords?
Snappy with the kids This is really shitty but could well be explained away by feeling guilt and being a manchild.
Staying out overnight with “work” See point 1. Anywhere she isn't.
More hygiene and grooming Feels like a new man, a lot of people would up hygiene and grooming on ending their relationship. He's had months to get over this relationship while deciding to end it, he's months ahead of her in terms of recovery.
Hiding money This is dickish behaviour but doesn't point necessarily to a new relationship, just selfishness.
Said he doesn’t love his wife anymore Does saying this automatically mean new relationship now? Funny I thought it meant he just doesn't love his ex anymore. That's why he ended the relationship

As I said NoSauce, he COULD be having a new relationship. But none of your so called 'proof' actually says anything definitive and telling OP that this definitely means he's got a new woman is unhelpful.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 12:06

Late home twice a week - explained by not wanting to be in the house with his ex. I wouldn't be surprised if this number ups until it's almost every night.

Isn't it grand for him he doesn't even have to think about his kids childcare when he decides that

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 12:09

It’s not MY so call proof, Dan it’s what the OP has said.

Incidentally what would make you suspicious that your partner was having an affair, if none of the things listed would?

onanothertrain · 04/10/2019 12:10

Even if he is seeing someone you are no longer together you just live in the same house. There's no affair or other woman although obviously the sooner you live separately the better

Damntheman · 04/10/2019 12:16

Yeah Arya, it's really shitty behaviour I agree! OP's ex is acting like a total child.

It's still not proof of an affair or even that suspicious in the circumstances NoSauce. I'm not sure what actually WOULD make me suspicious under OP's current circumstances, but the things listed can easily be explained away as him being an immature douche who just ended his marriage.

ffswhatnext · 04/10/2019 12:18

You are no longer together.
You are both free to see someone else.
Passwords on phone etc, I don't give them to anyone. Never have and never will.
Hiding money, females on here are told all the time to start stashing money and making an exit plan. He could be doing the same,

Tyersal · 04/10/2019 13:05

Hmmm my ex and I lived together for three months after we split, it was fairly amicable and no kids involved but I did most of the above. I didn't have someone else but it was just awkward and horrid and I couldn't wait for it to be over and move on, your ex could feel the same.

Either way not really an affair as you have split

LakieLady · 04/10/2019 13:21

Sorry but I think it screams of another woman.

Me too. Improved hygiene/grooming, new clothes, out late on certain days, squirrelling away or spending money - I'd be very surprised if we're wrong!

The fact that he only stays out on Tuesdays and Thursdays (or whatever it was) makes me wonder if the OW is also in a relationship and those are the nights when she's free.

I'd be wanting answers to some very direct questions OP, especially about the money. I don't know if that's the sort of thing the solicitor could ask.

Mind you, I'm a complete bitch and would have no qualms about reporting him and his employer to HMRC if I thought that overtime was being paid in cash or kind to avoid it showing on his payslips.
My ex tried to hide money in the 5 years between me asking him to leave and him finally moving out to minimise his savings when it came to the financial settlement, so this feels very familiar.

Bluntness100 · 04/10/2019 13:27

Op, I mean this gently but does it really matter? Thr marriage is over. You can both see other people. He may be seeing someone else, or he may be working late and not wanting to come home.

Either way, it doesn't matter if he's now involved with someone else.

Flip

1 2 3