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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my ex is changing dd's appearance

70 replies

lonerdottierebel · 03/10/2019 19:27

In short, my ex does whatever they want, and if I don't like it, even better, that just makes them want to do it even more - nothing better than getting under my skin.

Our dd is 6. Last year she had her ears pierced. It wasn't run past me, dd just told me that my ex was taking her get it done, and the next thing I knew, the ears were pierced. Fast forward 6 months, dd tells me that my ex is taking her to get her hair shaved off on one side - asymmetrical pixie cut type thing, the next time I picked her up, sure enough, it was cut in said fashion. When she was 3 my ex did dd up in full face make up. Tonight, dd announced that my ex was taking her to get her ears pierced again (so she'll have two studs in each ear lobe). Usually I am pretty used to this stuff and 'calm and complacent' is my default setting (even if I'm actually really cheesed off with my ex underneath) as to not let dd feel she is caught in the middle. But this one caught me off guard and I reacted by frowning and saying I wasn't so sure about that, and that we'll see what happens, which obviously upset dd as my ex had gotten her hopes up. I later reassured her that whatever she has in her ears, she will look beautiful (of course, I'm still not too happy). As with all these things, personally I'd wait until dd was a bit older. Dd is happy about all this stuff happening to her appearance, but of course she is, she's 6, wouldn't it sound fun to you at 6? But what she doesn't see, which I do, is that my ex treats her like a plaything.

I know what they are like, they get over excited and act on impulse, forgetting that dd is a real person rather than a dress up doll they can experiment on. The other thing is that my ex seems to be in rush to do more 'grown up' stuff with her. They've always done this - with inappropriate films and tv programmes, books beyond their years, staying way way way too late (on school nights too, and regularly), etc, etc.

I guess I feel a bit sad, like they are changing dd's appearance, and not only do I not get asked or have a say, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm their ex partner, thus not important.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

TheTrollFairy · 03/10/2019 19:30

I’m not sure what you can do as they will just do it anyway but I would be furious if this was my DD.

Are you in a position to apply for residency?

BenWillbondsPants · 03/10/2019 19:33

How often does your ex have your DD?

How is communication between the two of you? I wouldn't be happy with any of these things on a 6 year old tbh.

Whitejasmine · 03/10/2019 19:35

You need to talk to your ex - this is completely unacceptable. Pixie haircut shaved on one side sounds awful on a 6 yr old, what is your ex thinking? And I doubt your dd’s school will be happy about the ear piercing. Do you think she/he does it to annoy you? I think this is almost abusive tbh. Have you had a discussion with the ex or do you just let them get away with it? I’d be absolutely horrified if it was my dd, I’d go apeshit.

Can I ask was it a same sex relationship? Only the “look” your ex is encouraging your daughter to take sounds like that which would be common in the gay community. (I’m sorry if I’m using the wrong term but I’m not sure what the correct terminology is)

formerbabe · 03/10/2019 19:40

When she was 3 my ex did dd up in full face make up

This is appalling.

PinkyU · 03/10/2019 19:45

this is quite a tricky one as your dd isn’t a baby, she is able to give her opinion and therefore have a (fairly significant) say in how she looks.

Is there a reason you’re not able to discuss your concerns when th your ex?

(Massive eye roll at the homophobic stereotyping going on with whitejasmine you know that ‘gays’ don’t have a ‘look’, don’t you?)

knitpicker · 03/10/2019 19:45

why not reassure her that she doesn’t need to punch holes in herself to hang decorations out of in order to look beautiful - rather than reassuring her that she will be just as beautiful with two .
I would be beyond furious with ex if I were you!

lonelyinacrowd39 · 03/10/2019 19:46

I would also feel sad . We had a similar situation with my partners dd , the edgy haircut , clothes that were more suited to a teen than a 6 year old , makeup, heels etc. it got to the point were although he couldn't change what happened at mums , when she was with us she wore our clothes/no makeup or heels and was treated like the child she was , not the 'mini me' mum wants her to be.

Comefromaway · 03/10/2019 19:48

What does her school say about these extreme looks?

Yaflamingalah · 03/10/2019 19:51

I would be absolutely disgusted by this. I’m not sure what you could do about it though. Sorry I’m unhelpful I know.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2019 19:52

Maybe have a word with the school. Policy usually states one stud per ear. Tell dad who you spoke to that it isn’t possible. Idiot. I’d be pissed off with all this stuff. Especially as you have to care for the ears and any fall out.

Disfordarkchocolate · 03/10/2019 19:53

One day he'll do something that school will be unhappy about. That's very unfair on your daughter.

CallmeAngelina · 03/10/2019 19:54

I'd be "discovering" she had an infection in one of those pierced ears and remove the earrings.

Original poster

lonerdottierebel · 03/10/2019 19:55

My ex has custody and unfortunately I'm not in a position to take custody for various reasons, as much as I have wanted to, and have seriously considered.

Our communication has never been great. No, let me rephrase that. My communication has been great, but that has never been reciprocated. They are very nasty, and unless you agree with everything they say, you get your head bitten off. Although it might sound funny, I've learnt from years of experienced with them, that the safest thing for both me and dd has been to reduce communication to absolute minimum to prevent conflict and the anxiety and stress that puts on me and dd. They're never going to agree anyway, they often laugh at any suggestion I have, and like I said, they get a kick out of upsetting me or going against my wishes or suggestions. They've always been out to hurt me and that's not going to change, even if it means using dd to get at me. So, yeah, they know that although I'm a bit alternative, so to speak, I'm more traditional with these kinds of things than they are.

In regards to the school. Dd goes to a school with a more relaxed attitude towards appearance. They have a dress code but it's a bit more casual, and ear piercings and funky hairdos aren't an issue there (I don't know about other piercings). I liked this about the school, however that doesn't mean my ex has to do these things to dd just because it's allowed.

@Whitejasmine That's interesting you've picked up on that. My ex is bisexual, and what you said hadn't crossed my mind, but you're right. Although, my ex doesn't display a particularly stereotypical 'gay' appearance. If they walked past you, you would know they were bi. I'm straight myself, but have no issue with other sexualities. Another thing my ex does though his constantly tell dd they can be a boy or a girl, as they choose. Yes, they're right, of course. But sexuality and gender roles are something that develop naturally, you can't force it on a child. And of course, as dd is only 6 (she's been told this for years though), she thinks 'Yippee! I'm a boy today!', and I've had to explain to her that's a more serious thing than that, and not something to just pick and choose.

I'm not sure what I can do really. My ex is quite neglectful of dd as it is, and imo, this is further evidence of that - neglecting the fact that dd is a person, not a toy. Buy Cafcass don't want to know, neither do Children's Services.

OP posts:

LIZS · 03/10/2019 19:57

Not clear if ex is he or she, or even if that is relevant. Tbh I'd be surprised if any primary was happy at double piercing or a shaven fashion haircut. Who is the resident parent?

whatisthismess · 03/10/2019 19:57

I have a 6 year old and I would go absolutely nuts about this. The one ear piercing I would be fucking raging about it not being discussed with me but I could just about deal with it! But the shaving her hair at one side into a pixie cut and a second piercing? Absolutely fucking not. I would actually refuse to let him take her to be honest and get legal advice. That's not right.

DoctorAllcome · 03/10/2019 19:57

This is hard to say one way or the other.
It’s usual for the resident parent to make these day to day minor decisions. Hair cuts and pierced ears are not major decisions. Nor are books, films- especially if your dd is a smart girl I don’t see a problem with her reading “beyond her years.” So in that respect YABU

But I also think YANBU because it seems like a pattern of your ex deliberately doing the opposite of what you would do. So it’s not just divergent parenting styles but maybe using your DD as a pawn to get back at you or get you to lose your temper and upset DD

I’m not sure there is much you can do except talk with your ex about it.

You are doing the right thing though by not putting DD in the middle...you’re not taking the bait. So maybe the ex will give up

saraclara · 03/10/2019 20:03

The parent with custody generally gets to make these sorts of decisions, surely?

If there was an OP from a mother with custody whose ex was complaining about the daughter's haircut, I think the ex would get short shrift on here.

LunaTheCat · 03/10/2019 20:03

Funky hair cuts are one thing - they grow out but I would be furious about piercings. Your daughter is not an adult and she cannot consent to something that changes her body. That should be a decision she makes when she can. I would draw a line in the sand. I would be extremely worried that her father would think tattoos next.

Meirou90 · 03/10/2019 20:04

Is ex non binary? I haven’t seen you use he/her. Are they trying to make a point of not letting children fit into a box, freedom of expression, that sort of thing?

onemorerose · 03/10/2019 20:14

I have a daughter this age and I’d be worried that all these ideas are coming from ex and not my daughter. I’d put an absolute block on another ear piercing. I think 6 is far far too young for double ear piercings. What kind of shit is your ex feeding her?

Whitejasmine · 03/10/2019 20:15

pinkyU - I’m sorry but you’re naive if you truly believe that IMO. Of course not all gay people have a look. But a large proportion of lesbians favour the short hair, piercings/androgynous look. Going on nights out in the gay village in Manchester for the last 20 years shows me the proof of this.

Nothing homophobic about it so please don’t be ridiculous.

CymaticPrincess88 · 03/10/2019 20:17

You don't have custody

Ergo, you have no say.

HTH

Original poster

lonerdottierebel · 03/10/2019 20:17

@LunaTheCat I was literally just worrying about the tattoo thing. No doubt that will happen as soon as she is legally old enough and my ex will dictate to dd what she's having tattooed.

OP posts:

TheStuffedPenguin · 03/10/2019 20:17

this is quite a tricky one as your dd isn’t a baby, she is able to give her opinion and therefore have a (fairly significant) say in how she looks

At 6 ? Get real !

BlueBirdGreenFence · 03/10/2019 20:17

Sorry but all my sympathy is gone with you saying you feel the behaviour towards your daughter is neglectful but you're not in a position to do anything about it.

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