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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my ex is changing dd's appearance

70 replies

lonerdottierebel · 03/10/2019 19:27

In short, my ex does whatever they want, and if I don't like it, even better, that just makes them want to do it even more - nothing better than getting under my skin.

Our dd is 6. Last year she had her ears pierced. It wasn't run past me, dd just told me that my ex was taking her get it done, and the next thing I knew, the ears were pierced. Fast forward 6 months, dd tells me that my ex is taking her to get her hair shaved off on one side - asymmetrical pixie cut type thing, the next time I picked her up, sure enough, it was cut in said fashion. When she was 3 my ex did dd up in full face make up. Tonight, dd announced that my ex was taking her to get her ears pierced again (so she'll have two studs in each ear lobe). Usually I am pretty used to this stuff and 'calm and complacent' is my default setting (even if I'm actually really cheesed off with my ex underneath) as to not let dd feel she is caught in the middle. But this one caught me off guard and I reacted by frowning and saying I wasn't so sure about that, and that we'll see what happens, which obviously upset dd as my ex had gotten her hopes up. I later reassured her that whatever she has in her ears, she will look beautiful (of course, I'm still not too happy). As with all these things, personally I'd wait until dd was a bit older. Dd is happy about all this stuff happening to her appearance, but of course she is, she's 6, wouldn't it sound fun to you at 6? But what she doesn't see, which I do, is that my ex treats her like a plaything.

I know what they are like, they get over excited and act on impulse, forgetting that dd is a real person rather than a dress up doll they can experiment on. The other thing is that my ex seems to be in rush to do more 'grown up' stuff with her. They've always done this - with inappropriate films and tv programmes, books beyond their years, staying way way way too late (on school nights too, and regularly), etc, etc.

I guess I feel a bit sad, like they are changing dd's appearance, and not only do I not get asked or have a say, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm their ex partner, thus not important.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it? Or AIBU?

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 03/10/2019 20:18

Strangely when I decided to do something without consultation - it went down like a lead ballin, I advised that I was following the do and don’t consult method of many actions and if he wanted me to consult then he would need to consult in return as I wasn’t the nanny but a dully fledged mother.

It stopped

berringer · 03/10/2019 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/10/2019 20:23

If they walked past you, you would know they were bi.

What the fuck? Confused

FenellaVelour · 03/10/2019 20:30

Sorry but all my sympathy is gone with you saying you feel the behaviour towards your daughter is neglectful but you're not in a position to do anything about it.

Without being harsh, OP, what is it that you would expect social care or Cafcass/court to do, if you’re saying you’re not in a position to take over primary residency?

AppropriateAdult · 03/10/2019 20:31

This recent trend on MN of referring to one’s partner as ‘they’ in a fairly transparent attempt to obscure which sex is which and therefore get ‘less biased’ responses is really tiresome.

Mamabear500 · 03/10/2019 20:31

I wouldn’t be happy when the child is only 6 years old

WickedLemon · 03/10/2019 20:33

Why are you going to such great lengths to avoid posting if your ex is he/ she? It doesn’t matter.

And yeah, you lost me too at the neglectful bit but you can’t do anything about it. Of o thought my child was living with a neglectful parent I’d damn well make sure I got in a position to do something about it.

raspberryk · 03/10/2019 20:34

My DD at 4 is adamant she knows how she wants her hair, and also that she wants her ears pierced. I am not letting her have her ears done at the moment as I have said she needs to be able to take care of them herself and take them out for PE, but her hair was all hers and it is very short in comparison to the other girls. I did not ask her non resident parent no, because it is my little girls hair. I wouldn't be running the ears past them either because by the time they are done she will be able to sort them herself and it wont need parental input. If I did it now I would say "dd wants her ears done, are you willing to care for them for 2 days EOW." If he did it without my consent as non resident I think it would be a bit presumptuous that I have the time and inclination to do an extra job/for the timing to be right i.e. at the start of the school hols.

CinnamonMentos · 03/10/2019 20:35

My dd is 7 and I wouldn’t be happy about any of the things you’ve said. I have quite a few piercings in my ear (7) and a couple of tattoos. Dc are all free to express themselves in many ways but any piercings, tattoos or funky haircuts are strictly after they’re 18.

Not sure what you can do though, if anything. I think all you can do is try to talk to your ex and state your issues.

CharityConundrum · 03/10/2019 20:37

At 6 ? Get real !

Is it really odd to let a 6 year old have a say in their hair style?

gobbynorthernbird · 03/10/2019 20:37

So you can't be arsed to look after your kid, but you're upset about how the person who does bother chooses to?
Get tae fuck with your 'various reasons'.

LolaSmiles · 03/10/2019 20:38

Normally the resident parent will tend to make most decisions on day to day things. Whilst I don't like the idea of the choices your ex has made, they have parental responsibility and are the resident parent so given its not neglect, and you aren't in a position to share custody etc then I think you have to leave it unless you and your ex can start communicating

Naillig222 · 03/10/2019 20:39

My initial thought was the same as earlier posters. Could your ex be pushing the shaved head/piercings thing because of his/her own beliefs? It's an unusual look for a 6 year old girl. Is your use of 'they' to describe your ex something you have been asked to do?

Raphael34 · 03/10/2019 20:44

How’s this going down with your daughters school? Even at primary they usually have strict rules regarding hairstyles and piercings

Morgan12 · 03/10/2019 20:45

It's like he is using her as a weapon. Which is truly disgusting.

LolaSmiles · 03/10/2019 20:47

Naillig222
I'd guess that using they for the ex is to be deliberately ambiguous, probably to hope that people assume it's a male ex and will therefore be influenced by subtle dad prejudice and decide the ex is obviously out of order and the mother (OP) must be right.
I'm quite cynical though.

drspouse · 03/10/2019 20:48

You do know your DD cannot change sex? You sound confused about that as well. Your DD is of an age where she will literally think a change in clothes will change her sex.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/10/2019 20:49

funky haircuts are strictly after they’re 18.

Good luck with that!

DD decides her hairstyle within reason and was at 6, she has an undercut (shaved). She wants her ears pierced. I've said no.

The line is in different places depending on the parent. You can't or don't want to care for your DD? You aren't the one drawing the line.

meshofflowers · 03/10/2019 20:51

I feel so bad for your child.

You think she’s neglected and treated as a play thing as a game to upset you. But you won’t step and remove her from that situation?

I think having a further piercing is the least of it

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 03/10/2019 20:52

Another thing my ex does though his constantly tell dd they can be a boy or a girl, as they choose. Yes, they're right, of course.

No. She wrong. Your daughter can never be a boy.

But sexuality and gender roles are something that develop naturally

And don’t change the sex of the person.

AllFourOfThem · 03/10/2019 20:53

My ex has custody and unfortunately I'm not in a position to take custody for various reasons, as much as I have wanted to, and have seriously considered.

Either your daughter’s welfare is important enough for you to go to court regarding custody or else it isn’t. If it’s the latter, then YABU about your criticism of the resident parents (although I would not agree with my daughter having her ears pierced at such a young age).

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 03/10/2019 20:56

So your ex gf/wife is a woke wanker that will eventually tell you that your daughter wishes to become your son? That’s where this whole thing is heading, OP and you’re making excuses as to why you can’t step up, be a proper father and protect your daughter. 🤷‍♀️

RumpoleoftheBaileys · 03/10/2019 20:56

I thought OP was the non-resident father?

LolaSmiles · 03/10/2019 20:59

RumpoleoftheBaileys
No, the OP has been doing the thing where posters insist on obscuring meaning by using "they" and not confirming mother/father and any other simple biological information that would typically be conveyed in a simple retelling of the situation.

TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 03/10/2019 21:00

I think unless you are willing to step up and become the full time parent, then you just have to get on with it. Why are you not in a position to apply for full custody? If your ex were to be hit by a bus tomorrow what would happen your daughter? Would you have her put into care?

You can't complain about your child being neglected, yet not want to step in and remove the child from the situation and take her in to your (more suitable) care.

The things your ex is doing aren't exactly parent of the year material. But are they actually damaging to your daughter? If not, live and let live. If you feel they are, then get your affairs in order and fight for full custody of your child.