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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that my ex is changing dd's appearance

70 replies

lonerdottierebel · 03/10/2019 19:27

In short, my ex does whatever they want, and if I don't like it, even better, that just makes them want to do it even more - nothing better than getting under my skin.

Our dd is 6. Last year she had her ears pierced. It wasn't run past me, dd just told me that my ex was taking her get it done, and the next thing I knew, the ears were pierced. Fast forward 6 months, dd tells me that my ex is taking her to get her hair shaved off on one side - asymmetrical pixie cut type thing, the next time I picked her up, sure enough, it was cut in said fashion. When she was 3 my ex did dd up in full face make up. Tonight, dd announced that my ex was taking her to get her ears pierced again (so she'll have two studs in each ear lobe). Usually I am pretty used to this stuff and 'calm and complacent' is my default setting (even if I'm actually really cheesed off with my ex underneath) as to not let dd feel she is caught in the middle. But this one caught me off guard and I reacted by frowning and saying I wasn't so sure about that, and that we'll see what happens, which obviously upset dd as my ex had gotten her hopes up. I later reassured her that whatever she has in her ears, she will look beautiful (of course, I'm still not too happy). As with all these things, personally I'd wait until dd was a bit older. Dd is happy about all this stuff happening to her appearance, but of course she is, she's 6, wouldn't it sound fun to you at 6? But what she doesn't see, which I do, is that my ex treats her like a plaything.

I know what they are like, they get over excited and act on impulse, forgetting that dd is a real person rather than a dress up doll they can experiment on. The other thing is that my ex seems to be in rush to do more 'grown up' stuff with her. They've always done this - with inappropriate films and tv programmes, books beyond their years, staying way way way too late (on school nights too, and regularly), etc, etc.

I guess I feel a bit sad, like they are changing dd's appearance, and not only do I not get asked or have a say, there's nothing I can do about it. I'm their ex partner, thus not important.

Has anyone else experienced this? How did you deal with it? Or AIBU?

OP posts:

saraclara · 03/10/2019 21:05

This recent trend on MN of referring to one’s partner as ‘they’ in a fairly transparent attempt to obscure which sex is which and therefore get ‘less biased’ responses is really tiresome

Why? Because you want to have enough detail to be biased in favour of one party or the other?
I think it's a really good idea. If the OP had said that they are the father that only sees the child every other weekend, this thread would be a lot longer and 99% pro the mother with custody doiong whatever she likes because she's the one who does all the work etc etc etc.

But because it might be that the OP is female, things haven't taken off in the same way, and there's a much more mixed set of replies.

slipperywhensparticus · 03/10/2019 21:05

Dye her hair pink

RaveOnThisCrazyFeeling · 03/10/2019 21:05

All the plural pronouns are really fucking annoying and make everything you write confused and muddled. I read 'they get overexcited...' to mean your ex and daughter together get overexcited, then realised you might mean just ex, them wondered why you're writing in such an unnatural and grammatically awkward way, then decided you sound as exhausting and annoying as your ex.

No, your child cannot choose to be a boy or a girl. If she's female, she's a girl. Haircuts and clothes don't change your sex. How stupid.

drspouse · 03/10/2019 21:09

I assumed the OP was male and the ex was female and "enbee" or some such other guff and the OP was trying to go along with that.

bluebluezoo · 03/10/2019 21:10

*You don't have custody

Ergo, you have no say*

Really? So any NRP has absolutely no say in how their child is brought up?

Unfortunately o/p, many RP share the above opinion and there’s very little you can do. I’m not even sure a court could block this sort of thing.

Even if the o/p did gain residency unless he stops his ex having access completely there’s nothing to stop her taking the child for piercings and haircuts in contact time.

You do need to work on getting yourself in a position where you can increase contact. To gain residency you would need to be able to prove she is not a fit parent and that is very difficult. But the more you see your child the more influence you will have and the more your dd will have the confidence to stand up to her mum.
.

Original poster

lonerdottierebel · 03/10/2019 21:12

For all of those accusing me of not stepping up, or not caring enough if I'm not going to custody:

I have a disability that currently prevents me from doing this. I have seriously looked into a way around it. It guts me every day knowing that I can't get custody of my daughter and I pray that I will one day be well enough to do this. So imagine being in those shoes and having to watch as your ex does whatever they want and you can't do anything about it, because I've told solicitors, Cafcass, social services, mediators, and the court about their behaviour which goes way beyond my OP, and no one wants to do anything.

I'm unwell, otherwise when I went to court to extend my contact with dd, I would have applied for custody. It's the most heartbreaking and frustrating place to be in. Please don't make it harder. My ex uses my disability as a weapon against me as it is.

OP posts:

namechangetheworld · 03/10/2019 21:13

So your ex gf/wife is a woke wanker that will eventually tell you that your daughter wishes to become your son?

This is clearly what's on the horizon. Poor kid.

CarolDanvers · 03/10/2019 21:14

Your ex sounds like a complete idiot.

MrGsFancyNewVagina · 03/10/2019 21:18

I think it's a really good idea. If the OP had said that they are the father that only sees the child every other weekend, this thread would be a lot longer and 99% pro the mother with custody doiong whatever she likes because she's the one who does all the work etc etc etc.

Bollocks. It doesn’t take long for people to cotton on to whether or not the poster is a male/female. If the parent is a crap parent, most posters will say that.

FenellaVelour · 03/10/2019 21:25

because I've told solicitors, Cafcass, social services, mediators, and the court about their behaviour which goes way beyond my OP, and no one wants to do anything.

Again, what is it that you expect them to do, given that you are not able to take over her care?

Rainonmyguitar · 03/10/2019 22:31

Another thing my ex does though his constantly tell dd they can be a boy or a girl, as they choose

This^ alone would scare the shit out of me.

SparklyMagpie · 03/10/2019 22:42

"Again, what is it that you expect them to do, given that you are not able to take over her care?"

This

ErickBroch · 03/10/2019 22:44

This sounds like bull to me... stringing a tale

Lookingsparkly · 03/10/2019 22:50

I picked YABU mainly due to your use of ‘they’.

Beansandcoffee · 03/10/2019 22:53

I find the use of they/them really confusing. At times ‘they’ sounds like a group of people. I’m not sure why you have done this although I see a couple of posters have tried to explain.

InsertFunnyUsername · 03/10/2019 23:01

This will sound harsh but what do you think is going to happen reporting her? You, the childs other parent are unable to go for full custody. Dont get me wrong I would not be happy with someone doing that with my DD so I understand your frustration, but if you cant go for custody then I'm afraid majority of these decisions go to the residential parent has and rightfully so in most cases. It works majority of the time.

InsertFunnyUsername · 03/10/2019 23:03

Ignore the random has

Beansandcoffee · 03/10/2019 23:10

I must admit OP that as the residential parent I have never asked my ex for his opinion on haircuts, clothes etc. Major decisions yes but not day to day running stuff

saraclara · 03/10/2019 23:15

I must admit OP that as the residential parent I have never asked my ex for his opinion on haircuts, clothes etc. Major decisions yes but not day to day running stuff

That sounds normal to me. I can't imagine many parents on here phoning their non-residential ex to check if they mind if they change their child's hairstyle.

Johnjoeseph · 03/10/2019 23:18

I wouldn't be happy about this OP, but like pps said, if you're not in a position to become the resident parent then there's not a lot you can do about it unfortunately. You could try calmly talking to your ex, but as you say if she (I'm using "she" because I hate "they" and I'm going off my assumptions thus far - feel free to correct if necessary) deliberately goes against all your suggestions then there's probably not much point.

If you have serious concerns about neglect - not just ear piercings and haircuts - then if at all possible, I would try to find a way to become RP in spite of your disabilities (extra support workers/au pair/family help?) otherwise what's the reason for contacting ss? To have your DD put in care?! I can't imagine any loving parent would encourage that...

If becoming RP is absolutely not possible I'm afraid you're just going to have to live with it and hopefully your ex will stop.

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