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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop them going through?

84 replies

Dumbledorker · 03/10/2019 18:40

It would be the last thing I would ever ever want to do but I feel like the only right thing to do would be to stop my daughters 5 and 9 from going through to their dads. My 5 year old just told me her 5 year old stepbrother has "put his finger in my fairy"

I'm numb. They are always saying he swears and hes rude and hits and bites them for the last 2 years. Exh lives with their stepmum, older stepbrother and older step daughter and 5 year old stepbrother.

My 9 year old dd stayed with me for 5 weeks earlier in the year because her dad had been smacking her for weeing.

Now this...

I've told him gently what shes told me.
He said I need to be careful what I'm saying. And that his partner will be at my door if she finds out what I've said about her son.

Please tell me what I should do now...
I have to go do bedtimes so will be back to reply soon.

OP posts:
Anonmummyoftwo · 04/10/2019 07:42

They wont take the kids off you because you dont have a spotless house or every room decorated. Did you leave your ex alone with dd because he could of said something to her. Id not let him back into the house or near them till police and social have been and said its ok

TheresAFuckOverThere · 04/10/2019 07:46

Is it likely ex will try and collect from the school?

Do you need to talk to the school?

LittleOwl153 · 04/10/2019 07:48

I see the concern with sending her to school. If you ex picked up or even his partner then school would not think to stop that. Go I to the schoo, office this morning remove his partner from the pick up permissons and speak to them about the situation. They will monitor your daughter but also hopefully will stop him from removing her from school. (Legally they cannot if he has pr without social services saying he cant sadly).

You have done fabulously. Keep strong your girls need you!

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/10/2019 07:49

No she was with us both because he wanted to hear it from her. Then he said I was putting words in her mouth which I absolutely made sure I didnt . The conversation went like this

"Dd can you remember how proud mummy was earlier in the car when you told me something"

"Can you tell daddy"

" what about the part that you said you didnt like that stepbrother did "
"But can you remember what you said he did"
"And can you count on your fingers how many times that has happened"
"Your so good at counting! And can you tell us alllll the different places that this happened?"
"You are such a good girl for telling us both that and I'm very proud of you. I promise you are not in trouble"

I made sure I didnt say things like "can you remember you told me in the car that stepbrother ....(insert actions and details) "

He said I was coaching her. I didnt say any details or make her agree to anything.

OP posts:
CAG12 · 04/10/2019 08:01

Of course hes going to be defensive.

Keep your girls away from him, the police officer in charge of the investigation will be able to advise.

Anonmummyoftwo · 04/10/2019 08:27

Hes going to say that hes going to try make it out that you made her say it. Try not talk about it to much to her now wait till police or social are there now. Hes trying to play it down. Try keep routine as normal as possible now like school and stuff but i would have a word with teacher and let them know whats happening. Explain also that if dad or stepmum try to collect them to not let them go or at least ring you

Onescaredmuma · 04/10/2019 08:39

Just wanted to say well done to you for protecting your daughter so well. There are so many parents would try to down play this because it was another child. I'm so sorry about what has happened stay strong for your little girl.

Biancadelrioisback · 04/10/2019 08:58

Well done OP for reporting that and for protecting your girls. That can't have been easy but you did it. Stick to your guns and work with SS. I know you're worried but unless there is something huge you're not telling us, I don't see why SS would take your kids away!

Novembersbean · 04/10/2019 09:13

I know you believe you are doing the right thing by encouraging contact which would be a great thing under normal circumstances but honestly all things considered - the hitting, the volatile step mum and step kids, the complete disregard for this having happened and the chance the other children could also have been abused (you already know they hit for bed wetting so it's not exactly unlikely) I genuinely think the best thing for them would be to not have him in their lives. He doesn't even care this has happened at this age, what's going to happen when the step brother gets older, stronger and hits puberty?

He doesn't deserve to have a relationship with him, the environment is unsafe, they would be much better off with just you.

Livelovebehappy · 04/10/2019 09:27

Hell would freeze over before I let my DCs going anywhere near their house. Your dd needs your protection, and you need to do anything you can to ensure she is not in an unsafe environment. It won’t necessarily mean she can’t see her DF again ; he will probably be able to see her away from his home or in a supervised environment. But don’t let him and the SM bully or intimidate you into brushing this under the carpet or you will then become complicit in the abuse.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/10/2019 09:49

Thankyou everyone. I cant believe the support and the fact that I feel I have done the right thing. It's only recently that his family have started speaking to me again after 2 years of believing that I was the problem. They had no idea about the affair and he had told them he had met her afterwards. his mum gave me a hug and said she loves me and misses me last week. I was in bits. I've been so alone the last 2 years. I hope this doesnt uproot everything again and have them hating me with his side of the story because I feel right now my dd needs to see that her grandparents are on her side too and there to support her and have her stay with them still. It could be a good idea to see dad there at their house maybe? I've just been up to school to speak to them about what's happened.

No there isnt anything big that I'm not telling you all that I'm missing out. Im just worried they will see the mess in the house so I'm tidying round today. It's not that bad according to my friend she says I'm paranoid and need to sit with a brew and I have normal mess for a house with kids but if I tidy and clean i will feel better plus it will give me something to do to take my mind off things.Sorry I dont know how to tag people to reply individually.

OP posts:
justthecat · 04/10/2019 10:03

You 100% did the right thing.
The reaction your ex and his partner would be enough on its own to make me keep my dc out of their home

justilou1 · 04/10/2019 10:07

I don’t think you should let the grandparents be involved if they don’t believe that OW was the OW. They may think that this story is all too coincidental and fabricated. Leave it be for now.

CAG12 · 04/10/2019 10:12

Id leave the grandparents out of it for now. They are 100% not neutral, however much you wish they were. For that reason id advise against seeing their dad there. Its not neutral ground.

Id really advise not seeing their dad AT ALL

maras2 · 04/10/2019 10:14

If you do expect a visit from Social Services, just check that there's food in the fridge and cupboards and the kid's beds have bedding and pillows on.
I'm sure that you have it covered but just to make you feel a bit more in control.
Hope all goes as well as possible. Such an awful situation for you all to be in but well done for doing the original reporting. Flowers

PablosHoney · 04/10/2019 10:20

You've done the right thing, you have 2 safe guarding issues here. No child should be smacked for wetting themselves.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/10/2019 11:31

Well done op

messolini9 · 04/10/2019 11:33

He said I need to be careful what I'm saying.

You do.
You need to carefully say it to SS, & have them help you manage the situation.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/10/2019 13:37

Sorry My posts keep disappearing and wont post and mumsnet is coming up with an error message on my phone. Ss have been in touch and asked details. So just to see where it all goes from here now.

OP posts:
WarshipWarrior · 04/10/2019 14:28

Good luck OP this sounds awful your poor daughter x

Nat6999 · 04/10/2019 14:52

If your daughter gets distressed by what is happening, take her to A & E at your nearest children's hospital, they have a department that deals with sexual abuse. My ds was indecently assaulted by one of his dad's carers & he got very anxious & upset. I got told to take him to the hospital, we got seen very quickly & within a couple of hours he saw a child psychologist in the unit who sat & spoke with him about what had happened, she then arranged to see him weekly for about 3 months to help him get his head around what had happened & taught him coping strategies, she also gave me ways to help him as he was having nightmares & was frightened to go to sleep at night, wasn't eating & started self harming.

KarmaStar · 04/10/2019 14:57

Stay strong op,ss will see a mum who loves her dc and who is doing her very best to provide for them.
Your children will miss having a holiday but they will get over that and are probably not going to be as upset as you think.
Reach out on here when you feel alone,you will always get a friendly reply Flowers

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/10/2019 20:50

Thankyou ... SS have been. They said that it isnt a crime and the police arent following it up because it happened between two 5 year olds. But the police last night on the phone said different?? I think after I spoke to school they rang SS as planned and police too maybe ? Then they did some talking and colouring work with her. I think there has been some worse crossed somewhere. They then rang me afterwards and didnt seem to know that I had already been visited by a SS 5 minutes before. Then they said that in my house are , and . I said no that's the names of her step siblings. I think he rang the wrong mum because it was the names of the step siblings 😕😕😕.
I'm feeling a bit wary of SS already and hope this isnt a sign of things to come. I havent had to deal with them before.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/10/2019 20:52

Also they have said they dont recommend the kids going to his next week but he would have been collecting them from school. How do I go about that ? Should I go collect them half hour before hand then go to my mums incase he comes to the house ?

OP posts:
WarshipWarrior · 04/10/2019 20:54

God SS sound absolutely useless!