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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop them going through?

84 replies

Dumbledorker · 03/10/2019 18:40

It would be the last thing I would ever ever want to do but I feel like the only right thing to do would be to stop my daughters 5 and 9 from going through to their dads. My 5 year old just told me her 5 year old stepbrother has "put his finger in my fairy"

I'm numb. They are always saying he swears and hes rude and hits and bites them for the last 2 years. Exh lives with their stepmum, older stepbrother and older step daughter and 5 year old stepbrother.

My 9 year old dd stayed with me for 5 weeks earlier in the year because her dad had been smacking her for weeing.

Now this...

I've told him gently what shes told me.
He said I need to be careful what I'm saying. And that his partner will be at my door if she finds out what I've said about her son.

Please tell me what I should do now...
I have to go do bedtimes so will be back to reply soon.

OP posts:
MaryPopppins · 03/10/2019 19:37

How scary OP.

I hope the woman doesn't come round.

Doesn't sound like an environment for children. I certainly wouldn't let mine anywhere near.

Bargebill19 · 03/10/2019 19:37

Police. Report her and her child. For your Dd safety and it might save his future too.
Ignore your ex and his batshit crazy partner.
Protect you child first.

Morgan12 · 03/10/2019 19:40

Well obviously your ex doesn't give a shit. So he doesn't get to see his kids anymore. Simple as that.

And I'd be reporting for sure. Christ knows how that wee boy knows this stuff!

Passthecherrycoke · 03/10/2019 19:46

Forget about NSPCC, for goodness sake what does anybody expect them to say apart from phone the police? Report it to the police now, then you can have an appointment for tomorrow when your DD is awake etc.

I’m so so sorry for your family, what a heartbreaking situation. And I would never allow my children to see their father unless in ie a contact centre I’m Afraid

rainydays5 · 03/10/2019 19:47

What the... I'd be protecting and believing my daughter.
Why has he told you to watch what you say when his daughters don't feel safe?

Ginger1982 · 03/10/2019 19:49

Definitely phone the police. The stepbrother could be a victim too.

WellVersedInEtiquette · 03/10/2019 19:52

How awful for you. I think you already know what to do. Lock everything and if she calls ring the police. He is an absolute disgrace for doing what he has done. I think he's hoping that she will scare you enough to silence you.

StockTakeFucks · 03/10/2019 20:00

Ring NSPCC for advice. Report it to the police .
Send one brief text to ex stating "in light of the recent allegations contact will be stopped until I get further advice". Ignore any comebacks.

If his partner shows just ring the police,don't engage.

Even if it wasn't true he showed he's not willing to put the girls first, even when it's possible they are abused. Considering the other incidents,it's definitely not safe for them to be with him at all (he will definitely try to make them change their story and intimidate them), much less overnight.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2019 20:03

Omg how awful. Shocking that this woman is threatening you when her ds May be bring abused. Your ex is horrid.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 03/10/2019 20:38

Thankyou so much for your replies. I have been on the phone to the police and told them she might be on the way. She hasnt turned up by the way.yet.
Anyway they asked why she was angry at me and I told her everything. Although they are both 5 it has gone down as a sexual assault by penetration and the police said something else could be happening too at theirs so I was right to report it. Exh is going to go mad with me. This is going to be nasty I just know it....
Please tell what on earth do I tell my girls. They will be sad to not go through and they are supposed to be going on holiday in the half term with them ... how do I tell them they arent going. They will hate me. I hated my mum for stopping me seeing my dad ..

OP posts:
palahvah · 03/10/2019 20:41

It's not you who's stopped them from seeing their dad: it's his behaviour and his enabling/excusing his partner's behaviour and her son's.

You didn't create this situation, you've just protected your daughters.

thequeenoftarts · 03/10/2019 20:41

Can he see them at a contact centre?

verytiredandstressed · 03/10/2019 20:43

You had to report it ,
I find the ex's behaviour bizarre,either they think you are making it up and you would have to be a serious nutter to do that or are in denial . What are they trying to hide ?

CAG12 · 03/10/2019 20:46

The police are going to want to talk to your 5yo. Are you allowed to tell her thats the case and what they're going to ask about? Or is that coaching? I only ask because it might be nice to prepare her for the police's questions, although im pretty sure they have specialist police officers that do it.

Could just say that Daddies house isnt very safe at the moment, and its better if they stay somewhere safe??

And fuck your ex. As a PP has said it doesnt seem like he has your daughters best interests at heart at all.

Anonmummyoftwo · 03/10/2019 20:52

You arnt stopping them seeing him out of spite its because you have a serious concern about their safety. They fact hes angry with you instead of concerned about his daughters safety is scary

BigChocFrenzy · 03/10/2019 21:09

Don't say anything to your DD before the police have interviewed her,
or it could be viewed as coaching and complicate things

Nat6999 · 03/10/2019 21:11

Social services will stop visits until an investigations are carried out, you are doing the right thing by speaking to the police, they will involve SS.

Whydoesitalwaysrainatpickup · 03/10/2019 21:33

Dear OP, hope you are ok and she hasn't turned up!
Try not to worry, if she is a reasonable person, which sounds she might not be, then she should understand your concerns knowing what your daughter has told you., Although you cannot be sure what your ex has actually said to her. Yes kids sometimes get things wrong or say things they didn't quite mean how we interpret, but in this instance you have to take seriously and get to the bottom of it before you let you girls go round there. I would say just stop contact until all blown over and sorted, just tell the girls daddy has gone away, or he's busy working. They will believe whatever you tell them, so don't worry.
I'm sure the police will take this seriously and SS or police must have specialists that can talk to your DD to try figure out what happened. No doubt our ex and his partner are now having a blazing row, but that's between them.

Elieza · 03/10/2019 22:43

You’ve done the right thing. God knows what abuse the child has been going through, it may not just have been the little boy, there may be other children like his cousins or something which were also being harmed. Stay strong. Anyone in your position would have done the same thing to protect a child. I would hope.

ErickBroch · 03/10/2019 22:58

This other child could be being abused, so reporting it is absolutely the right thing to do. I don't see why your kids can't see their dad elsewhere - at a contact centre or at a grandparents house supervised etc?

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 03/10/2019 23:22

I'm just at a loss and so worried what is going to happen now. I've told my 9 year old I no longer have to work on daddies days off for a while. As predicted she asked if that means she can stay at home with me instead of going to daddies.

She said shes worried about not going because it will upset daddy... Sad

OP posts:
Elieza · 04/10/2019 06:59

It’s good she doesn’t understand the full horror of what’s potentially going on. Daddy will just have to see her elsewhere and away from his partner and and children from her side. And if he doesn’t like it tough shit. If he knew there was a problem and just ignored it that’s shocking. And inexplainable quite frankly.
A parents job is to nurture and protect their child. He should crack on with that and be grateful he still sees her.

Original poster
Dumbledorker · 04/10/2019 07:23

It feels so weird this morning. My friend says to keep her off school but shes ok and I need to keep everything normal I think. I told her last night how proud I was of her that she told me something like that and reassured her she has done nothing wrong. She just smiled and said she is proud of herself and I just broke down. I've never heard her say she is proud of herself before. I just keep thinking if her dad saying I need to be careful what I am saying and that I'm making some dangerous accusations . After she told him what she told me he said he cant think of when it could have possibly happened because they always watch them constantly. He stood and made her feel like she was lying and I've had this done to me before I was so crushed that he was downplaying it. I've always encouraged the girls to go to their dads and I've always told them how beautiful their hair looks when his partner has done it for them for school. I've never said a bad word about her to them. My husband left us for her and I've never told them what he did. I'm not a perfect mum and I struggle alot with the 3 of them and my job and keeping on top.of the house and I'm exhausted and I'm scared they will throw that in my face saying my house is messy or something. Their bedroom is decorated but mine and my sons bedroom isnt so I'm worried about SS coming to look at my house. I'm getting there but it takes time and I havent got the time to decorate until I have time.off work.. I'm so scared of having them taken away from me is there anything I can do to make sure they dont ?? I've never had social services involved

OP posts:
PrayingandHoping · 04/10/2019 07:32

Did your ex come around last night? How was it left?

SS do not care about house decor

NewNameGuy · 04/10/2019 07:41

OP you've done the right thing for your kids Flowers

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