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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy a wedding present off the gift list?

72 replies

lauratarver · 03/10/2019 13:54

I have two weddings coming up, both of which have a John Lewis, ridiculously expensive £130 for a toaster gift lift. I am morally opposed to buying things like expensive plates for couples who I know have a perfectly well kitted out house- is it completely unacceptable to buy them something else (for one, who have a baby on the way, something baby related) or to do a charity donation in their name? For our own wedding, we asked for charity donations, so I don't think I'm being hypocritical, but I know it's not everyone's cup of tea.

OP posts:

Lanurk · 03/10/2019 14:03

Just because they have stuff doesn’t mean they like it maybe they’re using it as an opportunity to update some of their possessions with stuff they really like.
Also I’d say no to a charity based gift. If I want to give to charity then I will, I’d be annoyed at someone else picking a charity for me to support-I’d rather have the money!

Topseyt · 03/10/2019 14:03

Of course you don't have to buy from the gift list. You can buy something else if you want, but that might risk you buying something they already have, or don't want.

I wouldn't do the charity donation because as you say, they aren't everyone's cup of tea. So best not to assume.

Surely you could just get John Lewis vouchers or a gift card to a value of your own choosing. That would enable them to put the money towards buying stuff they really like, especially if not everything from the gift list is purchased. Then they can buy the stuff themselves with your voucher/gift card.

Bourbonbiccy · 03/10/2019 14:06

I don't think you should buy them something baby related for their wedding, it should be something to mark their wedding, buy them something for the baby on separate occasion

You are not unreasonable to not buy off the list if it's too expensive for you, but it should still be something for them or don't bother at all.

thisisthetime · 03/10/2019 14:06

I wouldn’t do a charity donation or buy something for the baby as it’s their wedding not a baby shower. I wouldn’t like having to spend a minimum of £130 either though so think pp idea of a gift voucher in the amount you would like to spend for John Lewis would be ideal.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/10/2019 14:06

Of course you don’t “have” to buy them a gift, but I never understand why, when people have said that they want, guests think they know better and get a hideous engraved cheeseboard / yet another silver photo frame or a donation to charity. Particularly the latter is utterly wanky, you have no idea what charities they already donate to and by making the donation instead of getting them what they asked you may as well be sneering directly in to their face.

Why not just get them a voucher for how much you can afford? Or get them nothing if you don’t want to spend that much on them.

But presumably if you’re attending their wedding, it’s because you like them and they’re friends of yours so why not just get them what the want....?

Shoxfordian · 03/10/2019 14:09

Just buy them a present off the list
It's not about you

tttigress · 03/10/2019 14:13

Are you attending their wedding? If so I would give a gift roughly at the cost of your play, assuming you can afford it.

If you don't want to give a gift on the list, I would give cash/vouchers.

Sorry to give a blunt answer but they might not be impressed by your inspired choice.

Stephminx · 03/10/2019 14:15

We committed the cardinal sin of asking for cash/vouchers for our honeymoon, although we did say we didn’t want gifts but if people wanted to buy, this was our preference.

I’m going to sound ungrateful here and I don’t mean to, but some people decided to buy us gifts and I really wish they hadn’t. Just the card would have been great. We did say we didn’t want anything so guests didn’t feel pressured.

We ended up with loads of novelty tat from places like Clinton’s that we had no use or place for, was environmentally unsound and we ended up keeping for a few years out of guilt before eventually chucking it.

If you can come up with a good gift not on the list the couple will like, then great. If not, could you do a voucher as PP suggested so they can put it towards something off the gift list ? Please don’t just buy cheap novelty stuff.

Surely the point of a gift is to get them something they like/want. Maybe they have a load of second hand/cheap stuff inherited from each ones single home that they want to replace with nice stuff that’s “theirs” together ? I don’t understand your objection on moral grounds ?

Also, it’s a wedding gift, not a baby gift (unless they’ve asked for baby stuff).

I’m a great believer in giving what’s people actually want, not what you think they should want. Otherwise it’s a waste of your time/money.

Really annoys me actually ( if you can’t tell)...

minipie · 03/10/2019 14:16

So you’re morally opposed to getting them something they like and want but don’t technically need?

Do you apply that to all gifts? You’ve only ever given things the recipient really needs? Never given anything that’s a luxury?

Giving a baby gift rather than a gift list gift says “Tut! you should be thinking about your baby not nice stuff for your house”. Giving a charity donation rather than a gift list gift says “Tut! You should be thinking about other people not yourselves”.

Gift giving is supposed to be about pleasing the recipient, not demonstrating your own moral code.

Katiepoes · 03/10/2019 14:17

'Morally opposed'? I can understand if the list is all expensive, but what on earth can be a moral objection to a posh plate? How is it better to buy something they probably don't want?

Charity donations are about the giver - if the couple did not ask for that it screams sniffy judgement at them and their taste in swanky toasters.

Lllot5 · 03/10/2019 14:21

John Lewis vouchers I say then they can buy what they want.

Pukkatea · 03/10/2019 14:22

Don't do a charity donation - it will make you look so wannabe holier than thou

Littletabbyocelot · 03/10/2019 14:22

You buy someone a wedding present to mark the occasion and celebrate with them. If you're seeing it as buying stuff for people who could afford it themselves, maybe you don't like them enough to go to their wedding?

If your moral issue is an anti consumerism thing, often the items on a wedding list are more expensive because they are meant to last. Investing in quality that you won't need to replace for much longer is a positive step. One £120 toaster that lasts 10 years is better for the environment than 5 £20 one's over the same time.

That said, I think you can go off list. My favourite wedding presents were ones people had put thought into - a hamper, a beautiful throw etc. But my gift list plates etc have survived 10 years, I know who got us what, they are in daily use and I love what they mean. Equally I didn't mind when people didn't buy us gifts at all.

What I did get annoyed about was the person who was really judgey with their gift. They thought our list was too plain and functional and spent over £100 on a stupid 'for best' bone China dinner set. They made such a thing about it and how grateful we should be for their improving our taste. Buy a gift you think they will love, not one you'd want or you think they should want.

ShirleyPhallus · 03/10/2019 14:22

Really annoys me actually ( if you can’t tell)...

Yes @Stephminx it really annoys me too!

There was a thread on here a while ago from someone buying a wedding present for a work colleague. She said they had requested vouchers but the group of colleagues wanted to get them a proper present. Lots of suggestions of antiquey style silver photo frames engraved with their details (which several posters said they’d received lots of and hated them). Iirc in the end she settled on part voucher and a load of absolute tat for them. I just imagine this couple’s face falling at all the shit they’d been bought.

A similar thing happened to me when I left my previous job, I asked for no gift from my team (but gladly accepted a voucher paid for by the company!) because I knew they’d buy a load of tat. The day I left they called me in to a room and had just bought such an assortment of shit that I felt really terrible that they’d wasted their money so badly. Stuff that was nonreturnable, really tacky earrings, a wacky type mug - that kind of thing. It really was such a bloody waste of money and I wish they’d actually listened and not got me anything.

BottleOfJameson · 03/10/2019 14:25

Do they not having something cheaper on the wedding list? It's incredibly rude of them if they don't have cheaper options. I wouldn't just get them something random for fear of it ending up in a landfill (people tend to get given/buy far too many baby things). I'd go with JL vouchers.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 03/10/2019 14:29

Morally opposed? Oh get over yourself 🙄 🤣

Just because someone already owns plates it doesn’t mean they like them, Why can’t they also have a nicer set? I’ve got plates for everyday and a nicer set for dinner parties etc

Well superior you wanted charity donations, well a lot of people don’t. No need to be like this over others wedding gift list

I’m assuming you like these people so why risk buying them a gift they haven’t asked for and probably don’t want?

GooseFeather · 03/10/2019 14:30

We had a JL gift list, but we were setting up home together, had not even lived together beforehand. Some of DH family looked at the list, then bought cheap crap similar items from elsewhere. They could not be returned, and because they told no one, and others were bought from the list, we had two of various items. The tat ones got ditched within months. It may sound snobby, but I wanted decent quality and the JL items are still going strong nearly 20 years later.

Give them JL gift vouchers to put towards what they want, not what you think they should want.

Jaxhog · 03/10/2019 14:43

You can, but don't expect them to necessarily like it. If you can't afford it fine, but don't impose your morals onto them.

onanothertrain · 03/10/2019 14:47

Don't get them a gift off the list then or give vouchers. FFS do not get them something for the baby. Morally opposed. Jesus.

Skinnydogfatcat1 · 03/10/2019 14:51

for our wedding 20 years ago, we had no gift list; however if someone asked we said we were collecting this Wedgwood china and crystal glasses from a store. Those that wanted to bought from the list, others gave money others gave other presents.
We still have the china & glasses but probably not the other stuff.

I think a present that last over 20 years & probably passed on is a good idea.

PrestonNotHeston · 03/10/2019 14:53

Our John Lewis gift list had an option to make a charity donation (to Breast Cancer research) - have they opted for that? It's at the bottom of the list.

Otherwise just give them vouchers, ffs. DH and I had two "well-kitted-out houses" but we used our wedding list to buy good quality items that will hopefully last us our married life - and we gave our older stuff to the DC for their university/first houses, or to the charity shop.

singtanana · 03/10/2019 14:57

We had friends with a gift list where the dinner plates were £50 each. We felt it was weird buying just one plate so we gave them a £50 voucher for the same shop so they could use it for a plate or something else. I don’t get your moral stance at all. If I’m celebrating someone’s marriage I’m delighted to buy them a gift as a token of our love and friendship not because they need it. I’d also rather get them something they would like.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 03/10/2019 15:00

Get a JL voucher for the amount you’re willing to spend. They can spend it on baby stuff if they want.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/10/2019 15:01

Unasked for charity donations always come across as sanctimonious imo

"I saw you asked a gift but a this donation in your name would make you such a better pain, even though your too self absorbed to know it"

Itsallpetetong · 03/10/2019 15:05

is it completely unacceptable to buy them something else (for one, who have a baby on the way, something baby related) or to do a charity donation in their name?

Yes.

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