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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy a wedding present off the gift list?

72 replies

lauratarver · 03/10/2019 13:54

I have two weddings coming up, both of which have a John Lewis, ridiculously expensive £130 for a toaster gift lift. I am morally opposed to buying things like expensive plates for couples who I know have a perfectly well kitted out house- is it completely unacceptable to buy them something else (for one, who have a baby on the way, something baby related) or to do a charity donation in their name? For our own wedding, we asked for charity donations, so I don't think I'm being hypocritical, but I know it's not everyone's cup of tea.

OP posts:

Unknownanon · 03/10/2019 20:51

No charity donations. Unless you know they want that and what their favoured charity is then it's a really wanky non gift. Just because it was your choice doesn't make it appropriate for you to gift to someone who hasn't made that choice.

Just get JL vouchers.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/10/2019 21:13

If it's a John Lewis gift list then get them John Lewis vouchers if it's genuinely the case that everything on the list is expensive/out of your budget. That way they can put the money towards something they want.

YABU to be 'morally opposed' to someone asking for nice things (yes, they might have plates etc already but maybe they've always coveted nicer ones?) and YWDBU to get them a charity donation instead. Unless they've asked for it, that's a gift for you not them.

Brian9600 · 06/10/2019 13:20

JL vouchers- great
Another gift- fine if you must
Baby gift- not appropriate
Charity donation- will make you look like an arse. Just give some money to charity and get the couple a card, if that’s what you want, but don’t pretend that doing so is giving them a gift.

Jeleste · 06/10/2019 13:23

Im not opposed to charity donations, but its not everyones cup of tea.
I would definitely not give anything baby related. The wedding should be something for the couple. There are lots of occasions to give baby gifts.

If you know them really well and can find something meaningful for them then thats a great idea too.

duvetaddict · 06/10/2019 13:25

Yabu

TimeforanotherChange · 06/10/2019 13:29

Up to you. When we got married we made it clear we did not expect gifts, but if people were keen to get us something there was a list of things we would find useful.

2 of my siblings and 3 cousins bought us something utterly, utterly random. (And ugly/shit). For example one of my cousins bought me a MASSIVE ceramic fruit bowl that was clearly expensive - and I disliked very much/do not have room for in my kitchen.

It went in the bottom of a cupboard, I never used it and eventually took it down to the charity shop. So, yeah, by all means buy something you think they should have, but be aware you've probably wasted your money and it will end up in the local 'Cats Protection League' shop - thus, actually, representing the charity donation you'd like to make. Be aware it might not be for a charity you'd necessarily like to donate to.

DioneTheDiabolist · 06/10/2019 13:33

Dont be a dick OP. Gifts are about the recipient, not the made up "moral objections" of the eejit they had to invite to their wedding.

wonkylegs · 06/10/2019 13:45

Our JL bed linen and towels from our wedding gift list is still going strong 14years down the line so I suspect the 'posh' stuff we chose was a good investment
That said we made sure we had a mix of expensive (we knew who were going to buy those as they had already offered) and less expensive stuff
We got a few bits of tat but we also got some lovely things that people asked us before hand if we minded if they bought for us - one was custom made jewellery, another some special glassware, some one off art work that complimented our dining room well, and another a really funky salad bowl and servers which we love - most of which was actually more expensive than the stuff on the list but my group of friends are very much rooted in the arts/design profession so generally buy decent stuff from galleries not FB/eBay art.
We also got quite a bit of bottles of champagne from people who didn't want to buy from the list but also knew I hate vouchers.

Cornettoninja · 06/10/2019 14:17

Feel free to buy off the lists or vouchers but honestly an unasked for charity donation is just saying you think they’re greedy.

Stay in the spirit of the celebration and get them something to keep as a memento. A nice photo album is a bit old fashioned now but they might then get some informal snaps of the day printed out.

Durgasarrow · 08/10/2019 14:01

Charity donations instead of a gift are bullshit unless they ask for it.

CTRL · 08/10/2019 14:04

I wouldn’t buy something of thier list if I couldn’t afford it but to go and donate to a charity in thier name I would think was cheeky honestly

Yes it’s for a good cause but if you could part with the money and give to charity - why couldn’t you part with it and buy your friends a wedding gift ?

How strange

Bluntness100 · 08/10/2019 14:05

Morally opposed? Seriously? You do understand the concept of gift giving? It's about giving the couple a gift they wish. Not something they don't.

I understand morals when it comes to things like drugs or crime, but seriously! You're morally against giving nice household things to people who already have their homes kitted up?

tisonlymeagain · 08/10/2019 14:09

People bought stuff 'off-list' for our wedding. It didn't bother me if they'd clearly put some thought into it but there were other people (relatives mainly) who bought hideous things in their own tastes which I literally charity shopped more or less straight away. Not bothered about it from a present point of view but what a waste of money. I'd have rather they just bought us a bottle of wine or nothing at all.

NearlyGranny · 08/10/2019 14:10

Nobody was ever offended by a JL voucher (if they are, I'll happily take it!) and it solves the everything-on-the-list-is-too-expensive problem.

But please don't offer a baby related present at a wedding! Gaffe of the first order. Wait for a baby shower or the birth.

shearwater · 08/10/2019 14:18

I don't think it's unreasonable to buy stuff off list if everything on there is £130+. But if they have a range of stuff on there at different prices YABVU. It's not unreasonable to have more expensive items on a list - we had a canteen of cutlery on there which cost £150 15 years ago, but a group of friends clubbed together to buy it. The gifts started at £10, and you could also just give vouchers if you couldn't find anything on the list.

But sure, go ahead, get them a cheap toaster instead of the one on the list.

shearwater · 08/10/2019 14:23

We bought a house before we got married and had been together 5 years. But it was by no means "all kitted out" and it was really nice to get new, matching cups and things instead of mismatched mugs. We still use most of the gifts 15 years later as it was good quality stuff.

usernamerisnotavailable · 08/10/2019 15:09

I do t believe you that the cheapest item on the list is £130. Buy off the list,something you can afford. It's a gift not a morality /judgement parade!

Dollywilde · 08/10/2019 15:19

Actually, to go against the grain we didn’t detail anything about gifts in the invites or anything, but bridesmaids and family were briefed to say that anything at all was welcome, but not expected.

We wound up with:

About 75% of guests sticking £20-50 in a card, which was very kind
About 15% no gifts at all, again totally fine

The remaining 10% were physical gifts - some lovely (eg a print of the words to one of our readings which I treasure) some a bit useless (the Live Laugh Love sign has not been put up, unsurprisingly!). However one guest donated £50 to the MS society which is very close to my heart (dad has MS and the logistics of that impacted quite a lot on our day). I’ve done a fair amount of fundraising for the MS Soc in the past and I found the donation really thoughtful and appreciated the gesture a great deal. So it’s not always a bad call. Like everything I think it’s about the couple...

Idontwanttotalk · 08/10/2019 15:38

"for one, who have a baby on the way, something baby related) or to do a charity donation in their name?"
I wouldn't appreciate this at all. If I wanted a charity donation I would have put that on the wedding invitation/gift list and stated what charity I wished to be supported. If a guest made a donation to a charity they supported, but in my name, I would consider that a truly crap present.

I certainly wouldn't buy anything baby-related for a wedding either. It is supposed to be about the happy couple. Buy them baby stuff when they have heir baby.

Just buy a John Lewis voucher and they can put it towards something they really want.

pumkinspicetime · 08/10/2019 15:47

Just get them JL vouchers.
It is their day, not yours so your moral judgments aren't helpful.

Purpleartichoke · 08/10/2019 15:52

Even people who have a well kitted home need replacement items. Towels, dishes, even toasters, eventually wear out in one way or another. For all you know, their current toaster hasn’t worked properly in months or one of them might be a klutz like me so they are down to 3 plates.

Set a budget, see if there is anything on their list within your budget that feels decent to you. I understand wanting to buy something that isn’t overpriced or poor quality so if there is nothing available, take a cue from their list and get them something related.

Jaggypinecone · 08/10/2019 16:34

This whole gift thing drives me up the wall. Take it from me, as someone who recently celebrated a big birthday, that by getting something you want to give them rather than what they would actually like is a colossal waste of money and shite for the environment. I was specifically asked what I wanted as they insisted on buying me something so I said vouchers for an outdoor shop as I knew I could then afford a new bit of kit that I desperately needed. What I got was piles of useless shite that was so not me. I was so disappointed but then of course I have to look grateful because I'd otherwise be judged to be a bad person. So I felt that no-one listened to me and it was all about them and what they would have liked.

When you actually think about it, it's a horrendous thing to open a present in front of the giver knowing that you have to put on a show. It's like having to lie in front of those who are dearest to you so as not to offend them but meanwhile they have offended you, big time.

So put your judgey hat away and get them vouchers to the amount you can afford and stop being so snobby about it. You most definitely do not get them something for the baby, when the baby is born it will get plenty. This is to celebrate them and their wedding so listen to them.

Why do adults behave like this? We can ask kids what they would like for Xmas and they make a list so we know to get it right. I mean if your son asked for a Man United strip you wouldn't get him an Everton one just coz it was cheaper or it was your team.

Get over yourself. This gift nonsense annoys me sooooooooo much.

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