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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not buy a wedding present off the gift list?

72 replies

lauratarver · 03/10/2019 13:54

I have two weddings coming up, both of which have a John Lewis, ridiculously expensive £130 for a toaster gift lift. I am morally opposed to buying things like expensive plates for couples who I know have a perfectly well kitted out house- is it completely unacceptable to buy them something else (for one, who have a baby on the way, something baby related) or to do a charity donation in their name? For our own wedding, we asked for charity donations, so I don't think I'm being hypocritical, but I know it's not everyone's cup of tea.

OP posts:
Glitterfisher · 03/10/2019 15:13

I have no idea why you wouldn't want to get them something from the list that they would like, that is assuming that there are things within your price range. I left it late once and the only things on the list were the most expensive items so I just got a voucher for the same shop for them.

I did a wedding list, loads of reasonable stuff on there, my uncle bought me a toaster even though there was one on our list so we ended up with 2!

ghostyslovesheets · 03/10/2019 15:13

Morally opposed 😂😂 give over

Just get vouchers

We said no gifts but people asked and asked so we said vouchers if you want but not expected

We got two off ‘list’ gifts - both where tat and one was definitely regifted 😂 I’d rather have had a nice card

Stop being daft

CalmdownJanet · 03/10/2019 15:13

Don't buy off the list but do not give to charity or their baby for fuck sake

pikapikachu · 03/10/2019 15:17

I would get a JL voucher for an amount that you can afford. £130 would be steep for me too

Sceptre86 · 03/10/2019 15:33

Just get vouchers and then they can do what they like with them.

Zeldasmagicwand · 03/10/2019 15:48

Buy whatever you want to, it's your money.
I didn't bother buying any present for my DN's wedding. I thought the request for honeymoon cash was grabby and oh so typical of DN.
Thankfully, other DN didn't invite me to their wedding a few years later. Wink
I do love my sister but not her spoilt adult kids.

PatriciaHolm · 03/10/2019 15:49

Just get a JL voucher. That's essentially what the gift registry is - they can give the couple vouchers to the value of the money spent rather than the specific gifts ordered anyway.

LellyMcKelly · 03/10/2019 15:56

I was bridesmaid to my best friend (from forever) and I got her something not on her wedding list. It was a commissioned painting (just of a little one) of the church she got married in, painted by a local artist she loved and had bought a few pictures from. My point is, don’t not buy off the list because you don’t like their list. Don’t buy off the list if you can think of something that you know will be loved and treasured. My friend still has the picture in her living room 18 years later. Or buy vouchers.

Lagatha · 03/10/2019 16:14

We had a list at JL, we had a range of items some of which were really not expensive. We had been living together a while but still had stuff we moved out with as students like mum's donated old towels and a mismatched load of crockery.
We also put the option of JL vouchers on the list.
Just get vouchers and don't be mean.

reginafelangee · 03/10/2019 16:17

If you don't to buy off their wish list then give them money or another gift.

A baby related gift - isn't on - its their wedding not a christening
A charity donation in their name - its a bit patronising tbh

Just cause you don't like wedding lists doesn't mean you should get them things they don't want.

Are they really your friends - cause you sound a bit snotty about their choices.

Witchinaditch · 03/10/2019 16:20

Is there really nothing cheaper than 130 on the list? If you really don’t want to spend much buy John Lewis vouchers but don’t do baby gift or charity donations I don’t think it will come off how you intend.

Vulpine · 03/10/2019 16:35

I never buy off lists. We didnt have one, think they're grabby.

pelirocco123 · 03/10/2019 16:35

why on earth would you buy them bay stuff for a wedding ?
You sound very judgy

Karwomannghia · 03/10/2019 16:39

Yabu. Stop over complicating things and making it about you.

BIWI · 03/10/2019 16:45

I think the OP has probably got enough ideas for her article now Hmm

SilverySurfer · 03/10/2019 16:45

I think the B&G are CFs for not having anything cheaper on their list. On the other hand I disagree with buying a present for the baby for their wedding and wouldn't go with the donation either.

As a PP suggested, either buy a John Lewis gift token for the amount you want to spend or if not how about a bottle of champagne? There are some special offers at Tesco (valid until 7 October) eg £10 off Lanson Black Label, down to £22 from £32 or Taittinger?

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 03/10/2019 16:58

@Zeldasmagicwand so what would you have rather she asked for?

Surely it makes no difference re the monetary value? Until this thread, I didn't think people still asked for toasters and tat as a wedding gift Grin

StoneofDestiny · 03/10/2019 17:00

Don't do a charity donation - effectively you are making them donate to your charity (when it should be you). They may already give money to lots of charities already.

Get them something you think they will like or be useful. Doesn't have to be off a list.

InfiniteSheldon · 03/10/2019 17:03

Dont give a charity donstion there are many different ethical and moral reasons people prefer to choose their own charities

OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg · 03/10/2019 17:09

how about a bottle of champagne?

Not much of a gift for the pregnant bride-to-be!

OP, don't set yourself up as moral arbiter of someone else's wedding gift choices. Respect your friends' wishes and if you can't afford a specific piece from their list, give them JL vouchers to the value of the amount you can afford. This day is about them as a couple, not you and not the baby - that can come later.

theretheirtheyrenotno · 03/10/2019 17:21

JL Voucher - job done!

Morally opposed so you decide that they should give to a charity and you'll make sure they do! Don't suppose they get an option of which charity? That also up to you?

Something baby related? So they write a wedding list which you ignore then but something baby related that they potentially already have?

Bizarre!

UndomesticHousewife · 03/10/2019 17:36

Are you trying to make them feel bad for darling to ask for gifts for themselves when they should be donating to charity Hmm don't be superior they won't like you for it, they're your friends just get them a voucher.

Aragog · 03/10/2019 17:41

Only do charity donations for people who have asked for them instead of a gift. Otherwise it's just you doing a charity donation on your own behalf and not giving a gift.

Don't buy a baby gift for the couple with a child. It's their wedding gift not their baby's baptism, etc.

If you don't want to purchase from the gift lift then give a gift voucher perhaps; a bottle of champagne (if they drink) or a good bottle of wine would be better than your suggestions I think.

Aragog · 03/10/2019 17:43

Though not alcohol for the one who is pregnant as it may be a while til she can drink it.

boringisasboringdoes · 03/10/2019 20:18

Another vote for a voucher. You can get them in Waitrose you don't even have to schlep to JL.

But there's always one who just can't follow the rules - we asked for honeymoon donations (before it was trendy) because I am not v domestic and didn't want to chuck out my plates and replace them with slightly posher ones, but I still had to have an awkward conversation with someone who really really wanted to give us a breadmaker but I had one from my mum in a cupboard never being used.

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