Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My ex is a psycho

74 replies

SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 09:46

AIBU to point out that this is a Red Flag?

If only I had considered that there might have been a reason why he said that his ex was a psycho. He's probably saying it about me.

To the skinny new girlfriend, he will lovebomb you, then he'll start to fatshame you, he'll criticise you, verbally abuse you, emotionally abuse you, and he'll probably beat you up. Like he did me.

I could tell you, but he'll just say I'm a psycho, and you'll probably believe him. Years down the line you'll realise that your loveable rogue is a violent thug.

Have a look at www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3707711-Rosie-Duffield
Thanks.

OP posts:
ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/10/2019 10:11

YANBU.

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/10/2019 13:12

Why is the skinny and fatshaming an issue OP. Are you hinting at an eating disorder or something?

BottleOfJameson · 03/10/2019 13:14

Why is the skinny and fatshaming an issue OP. Are you hinting at an eating disorder or something?

Why would it not be an issue? Fatshaming someone is pretty nasty behaviour.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 03/10/2019 13:20

What a weird post from a PP! Why wouldn’t fat shaming be an issue?! Confused

ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 03/10/2019 13:25

Of course it's an issue. What a vile man.
I just wondered if he had been doing it to someone particularly vulnerable.
Come back OP.

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 13:47

Thanks for your replies.
The ex he told me was a psycho was a recovered anorexic. As is the new woman.
I am struggling. He would make comments about my weight - very subtle but I noticed.
I want to warn my 'replacement' but I've been branded a psycho, so if I contact her, I really will look like I am one.
What can I do? I am getting help for myself because I am worried I might have a relapse.

OP posts:
RB68 · 03/10/2019 13:51

you just need to look after yourself and she needs to look after herself, they are not ready to hear what you are saying and they have someone whispering other things in their ears as well. Look after No 1 and learn to put yourself first

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 14:02

Thanks RB68
He seemed so nice, so loving, so devoted then he got nasty. Then the more I thought about it the coincidences were too uncanny.
Just looking at what I've posted makes me feel as if I am but it's like he is going for the same type each time.

OP posts:
kitk · 03/10/2019 14:12

OP you can't be responsible for everyone wh comes after you. You just need to hope they wise up quickly and be kind to yourself x

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 14:19

Thanks. I just wish I'd heeded that red flag. It would have saved me months and months of misery.

OP posts:
SellmeyourMLMcrap · 03/10/2019 14:29

I'm happy you've come out the other side and can also appreciate your desire to warn off his new partner, something I'd also want to do.

If you did warn her off he would just move onto the next "victim" and you would inadvertently be negatively affecting their life. That would be an easy way to justify not getting involved.

But for me, I'd want to say something. If I knew I could get her a letter I would send one and I'd say that I didn't expect to be believed and I knew he'd been calling me a psycho as he did the same about his previous Ex. But I'd say, don't believe me now, but when you start seeing little warning signs like him talking about your weight when he knows your history, or when he doesn't let you go out with friends, that you had a note from his Ex, that you were warned and also warned it would escalate from there to possible violence like it did with me.

Basically I'd want to give her the tools to recognise and hopefully to give her the strength to escape as soon as those signs manifest themselves.

Whatever you decide is right for you though, it's your decision and your alone. But as you know, there's a good chance any warning gets dismissed as that's how us humans are programmed.

Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2019 14:40

Could you post her something annonomously that simply reads 'please read up on narcissistic personality disorder and how to spot a narcissist'.

Nothing else. No name. Type it if need be so that your handwriting can't be identified and put it through her door when she is out.

That way she will always have the words narcissistic personality disorder in her mind when he starts to show his colours even if she doesn't google it straight away.

NPD is the best thing to point her towards as most abusers are high in the narcissism scale, and there are documented ways to spot those sort early. Even though it sounds like he may even be a sociopath. NPD is the better thing to point towards as everything thinks they know what a sociopath is, so won't google it.

Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2019 14:49

Just noticed sellmeyour said similar. There you go then, get a plan in motion. But remember to keep it anon and maybe not name names on it. Just keep it simple. Peak her interest in the topic so that she learns about it for herself.

Butteflyone1 · 03/10/2019 14:52

I had exactly the same. My ex built me up to be this amazing perfect women, he said I was 'the one' and that all the girls before were nothing compared to me.

He cried about how horrible his house mates were so when my lodger moved out (shortly after we started dating), he then said it made sense for him to rent the room from me.

He proposed to me after four months of being together. When he was living with me and a ring on my finger, bame it all changed!

He was crazy!!! hre would put me down at any given opportunity, he could turn the tears on better than any actor/actress, he said he was nothing without me and didn't want to live if it wasn't with me and then he would say he would burn my house down and kill my dog.

It was hell!! Do not allow a relationship to move too fast. It doesn't matter how good it seems, there should be no hurry. No moving in together, no engagement and no babies so quickly.

We got together in march, he moved in my end of April, engaged in July and by September I wanted him gone. It took me till March the following year to dump him and a further month to remove him from my house (the police were called eventually).

Please be very careful.

AdultFishcakes · 03/10/2019 14:53

YANBU.

I posted about this many moons ago and ended up getting about 100 “yep agreed” posts.

It’s rare the ex is a psycho, rather the man they were with mangled their sense of self, usually because he’s a fucknut.

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 15:05

I'm not sure if he is a narcissist.
He's big, fat and jolly and popular. Everybody likes him.
One thing I did notice was that any form of criticism would result in an argument.
I suggested that losing weight might help his sleep apnoea and got told that I was the one with the weight problem not him.
I learnt not to criticise.

He has been fired from jobs.
He is a heavy drinker and smokes weed daily.

What a catch. He's in his mid 40s, rents his HA flat, his mum cleans for him and does his washing.

OP posts:
foxtrottinngg · 03/10/2019 15:12

thats twice now you have mentioned peoples weight in a negative way

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/10/2019 15:12

OP, does he have any form for DV. If so a little anonymous note encouraging the new GF to do Claire’s Law might be an idea.

baffledbystbxh · 03/10/2019 15:13

I'm a psycho ex who tries to murder husbands apparently 😳 it was quite a shock to me to discover this!
I felt like I should say something to the next one he found but I didn't because I knew he would have used it as an opportunity to portray me as psycho to collaborate what he'd said and she wouldn't have believed it at the beginning because he seems so sweet. If it hadn't been her it would have been someone else anyway and I can't really spend my life as some kind of guardian of women trying to save everyone who gets involved with him. It's a shame because I don't want to think other people just genuinely hoping to have a chance at love with a nice man will be treated like I was.

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 15:17

excuse me foxtrottinnggg, he was several stones overweight and he had weight-related health issues.
I have had an ED, as had his previous ex, as has his current girlfriend.

OP posts:
Lllot5 · 03/10/2019 15:22

Just move on. Not your problem any more.
If you tell her she won’t listen, it’s her lookout.

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 15:34

Oh baffled, thanks.
He seemed so nice, a laugh, seemed too be head over heels. The only downside was that his body wasn't all that attractive, but he had such a personality I could overlook that.

He was the life and soul of the party. I was completely taken in. Happy for a few years then the red flags for 12 months or so. Challenged him and ended up in A&E.

The only thing I thought I could do would be to try to tip off her DC or their father, her Ex. Her DC are over 16 yrs old.

OP posts:
baffledbystbxh · 03/10/2019 15:41

@SkinnyEx it sounds as though you feel compelled to protect people from him. It's a shame but I don't think you can. Maybe this one, possibly, but not every woman he ever comes across

Original poster
SkinnyEx · 03/10/2019 16:11

I feel guilty because I didn't do anything about it.
What if the next time, someone does get hurt. God knows how I didn't end up with any broken bones. We're talking about someone 3 times my bodyweight beating the hell out of me. I know that a shoes off in the house policy is much frowned upon here but I think it might have saved my life.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 03/10/2019 16:17

So he beat the hell out of you and you don't think he's a narcissist...lol. He's a narcissist. Or some form of cluster b. Neurotypical people don't beat up their partners.

You most certainly should get a message to her IF you can do it without it being obvious it has come from you. Otherwise, just focus on protecting yourself and learning how to spot people like him yourself, in future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread