Thanks AnnaNimmity,
I don't know if it was NPD, but he was (is?) very overweight. The ex wasn't AFAIK much younger than him, maybe 5 yrs. It was quite a coincidence that she had AN and the OW is a recovered anorexic.
When I found out about OW I didn't eat for a couple of days, taking me from quite slim to underweight.
If ever I mentioned his weight or commented on an overweight person eating 3 stinky burgers on the train, it was me who had the problem.
My teeth were "horrible". I made no effort to dress nicely (couldn't see any point when I was out and about with a cheap rate middle-aged humpty dumpty lookalike)
With hindsight, he couldn't take any criticism. I'm not the type to criticise, so I learnt to not say anything. I did wonder if he had been aggressive in the workplace. Anything that could have been vaguely interpreted as criticism were projected on to me.
He made up stories about me - my drink problem (I can't hold my drink but that is probably because there isn't much of me, and being with a heavy drinker didn't help), being unfaithful (not true and quite ridiculous), being a psycho (I don't think so), having MH issues (I was gutted when I found out but that is normal).
I never felt I was a possession, but when we first me he wanted to show me off to his friends. Initially, I didn't want to be shown off to a pubfull of people as the girlfriend, but would have been fine meeting one or two at a time.
He didn't try to control what I wore or how I did my hair. I don't think he tried to control me, but that he checked out of the relationship when OW became single but didn't bother to tell me.
The lies he told me, the things he didn't tell me, the things I don't quite know the truth about, the verbal and emotional abuse about have tarnished any warm memories I had.
The trying to get me sectioned - when he rang for the police and ambulance, it was like he'd done it before.
The beating I have compartmentalised - it seems nothing compared to the emotional abuse, but I suspect that I was lucky as he attacked me with some force.
He had a female (girl?)friend who had committed suicide about 20 yrs ago, who he said about " I loved her". This meant that any sadness I felt about friends who have passed away were dismissed as insignificant.
It is just so strange. Presumably his friends and family and the police were told that he acted in self defence - he weighed about 2.5 times my body weight.
I'll look out for the Lundy Bancroft book. I didn't realise the author was male.
It's a few months down the line now and I am trying to get over it.
Thanks to everyone for their advice. I am glad that Rosie is still an MP.