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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be suspicious about DD1's new friendship? I want you to say I am.

74 replies

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 08:40

DD1 is 17, 18 in a few months, and in Y13 doing A levels.
She's always had a bunch of different friendship groups and has often gone out with friends once or twice a week but then had periods where she's not gone out much at all.
Suddenly she's made a new friend from work and she spends ALL her time with her and is out almost every night after school.
This girl is not at the same school as DD's and seems to be out of school more than DD1. She is always available to drive DD around and picks her up from school and drops her home after they have been 'studying' together. We live a good 20 mins from the school, so it's not like it's just around the corner.
DD wants to stay over at her place at least once during the weekend and then goes back to hers after work/ school. She's going to parties with her and basically spending every spare minute she can with this girl.
And then every night after school she is 'studying' in the library, going out to eat, and not coming home until10/ 11pm at night.
The girl seems nice enough and I have her address, so I do know where DD is supposedly spending the night when she stays over, but it's such a behaviour change for DD that I can't help think something is up.
She doesn't seem drunk when she comes home from parties ( she has in the past), she says she wouldn't touch drugs, I've asked if a boy is involved and she says no, and her friend has a boyfriend so I don't think it's anything between the girls, but maybe...
Also, DD has lied to us a few times about how she's got home-saying she's walked/ taken public transport when this girl has given her a lift. I've never caught her lying before so that's not helped me trust what she says :(
I know she's almost an adult and up until now she's done well academically, but it's such a change in behaviour.
I'm worried but maybe I'm being over protective?
What do you think?

OP posts:
Imustbemad00 · 03/10/2019 08:43

There’s nothing that rings alarm bells but I’m one for trusting your instinct so I’d keep an eye on it.

MustardScreams · 03/10/2019 08:45

Normal late teen behaviour surely? Doesn’t everyone have a friend that they adore and spend all their time with at that age? I certainly did.

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 08:47

@Imustbemad00 That's what worries me- my instinct is telling me something is up. I want people to tell me I'm being silly though!

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 08:49

@MustardScreams I didn't but that doesn't mean much :D
If enough people tell me it's normal behaviour then maybe I'll worry less.

OP posts:
Hahaha88 · 03/10/2019 08:49

Sounds like normal teenage behaviour to me

Springfern · 03/10/2019 08:51

I don't think you have anything to worry about. When I was that age I had friends that I spent all my time with, it's a normal teenage girl thing

ElizaPancakes · 03/10/2019 08:54

Sounds totally normal to me and nice? I had a friend round the same age, we spent almost every day together, went out all the time....20 years later we have sparse Facebook contact.

I don’t really understand what’s worrying you!

parrotonmyshoulder · 03/10/2019 08:54

Would you feel differently if it was a boy she was spending all her time with?

emmy1997 · 03/10/2019 08:56

Honestly as someone who was a teenager 3 years ago it's completely normal behaviour. I was exactly the same and my mum was worried about me now she's all fine as she knows it was just the best friend. I think you're looking for something to worry about when in reality you should be calm x

Dodoluded · 03/10/2019 08:57

Is she actually studying? How’s she doing in school?

Ohnoherewego62 · 03/10/2019 08:59

I done this and had secret boyfriend.

If you usually trust your daughters judgement then I'd see no reason to be alarmed.

Just keep an eye and if you're feeling confident enough, try and bring it up casually.

seaweedandmarchingbands · 03/10/2019 08:59

No glaring red flags I can see. How is her mood and attitude to you?

ShippingNews · 03/10/2019 09:01

I had a friend like this at that age - we did everything together. We're still best friends now in our 60's ! I don't know what is the problem with your DD - none of what you say seems odd to me. You say you think "something is up" - what exactly do you think is "up"?

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:02

Thanks everyone, I'll chill out then.
@ Dodoluded I think she is studying but we will find out soon enough.
She has fallen behind a little at school but says she is trying to catch up.
Her attitude to Y13 isn't good though- she says she hates her school and all her subjects but she has had periods of this before and she's pulled herself out of it.

OP posts:
Courtney555 · 03/10/2019 09:07

We're all so impressionable at this age. The new friend might seem uber cool to DD and so DD loves being a part of that. Possibly a boy in the mix somewhere that being with the new friend provides access too.

I'd let DD enjoy herself. Unless she's suddenly flunking everything left right and centre, or you see evidence of drugs/a lot of drinking, then it could be nothing more than she's just found a great friend who she loves being around.

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:09

@ShippingNews I don't know, that's why I'm asking here.
It's just not normal for her so far but if it's normal for teens then that's fine.

@seaweedandmarchingbands She's actually been trying very hard to be 'nicer' as opposed to the usual moodiness. This has made me more suspicious!

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 03/10/2019 09:10

It sounds completely normal. I met a girl like that at the same age...she'd gone to a different school but we got on SO well. It was a wonderful year before she moved abroad. We were sort of obsessed with one another but not sexually...we just clicked. These strong and sudden friendships are not unusual in girls.

HennyPennyHorror · 03/10/2019 09:11

Perhaps she is being nicer because she's happier OP. Don't worry. As long as she's going to school still, she sounds fine.

Icantthinkofanewname87 · 03/10/2019 09:14

Omg you sound like my mum when I was that age. Absolute bloody nightmare. Crazy paranoid and suspicious about the simplest things. My best friends around this age and even older, we were exactly the same. I will never forget coming home from a perfectly innocent night and my mum staring at me and saying my pupils look huge and I’ve obviously been taking drugs. Horrible way to behave and make someone feel. She’s almost an adult. Please respect and trust your daughter before your relationship is damaged forever (I am now NC with my mother and her behaviour when I was this age is part of the reason why.)

thisnamechanger · 03/10/2019 09:14

Maybe they're gf/gf. I had a "best friend" at that age too but nothing on Earth would have made me tell my mother!

Whatsnewpussyhat · 03/10/2019 09:14

How does this other girl have time for a boyfriend if she is always with your DD?
You sure they aren't in a relationship?

Bellringer · 03/10/2019 09:15

This is ok if she has other friends, more worrying if she is dropping everyone for the best friend. You can only advise though unless she's doing something clearly stupid or illegal. Keep your eyes open and stand by to be supportive when the friend moves on.

midnightmisssuki · 03/10/2019 09:16

What do you think is going on?

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 03/10/2019 09:19

Sounds normal to me, although I really wouldn't be surprised if your DD either has a crush on the girl or there is something more between them and she's just not ready to tell you, or perhaps accept it herself. Many of my lesbian/gay friends had a similar situation at that age... I know I did...

NearlyGranny · 03/10/2019 09:20

If your gut tells you something's going on; something's probably going on. She will tell you in her own good time. It could be a secret bf and her friend is enabling it, but what sort of bf would she need to hide from you?

Just keep the lines of communication open and try not to pry. I always told my young adults they could tell me anything but they didn't have to tell me everything!

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