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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be suspicious about DD1's new friendship? I want you to say I am.

74 replies

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 08:40

DD1 is 17, 18 in a few months, and in Y13 doing A levels.
She's always had a bunch of different friendship groups and has often gone out with friends once or twice a week but then had periods where she's not gone out much at all.
Suddenly she's made a new friend from work and she spends ALL her time with her and is out almost every night after school.
This girl is not at the same school as DD's and seems to be out of school more than DD1. She is always available to drive DD around and picks her up from school and drops her home after they have been 'studying' together. We live a good 20 mins from the school, so it's not like it's just around the corner.
DD wants to stay over at her place at least once during the weekend and then goes back to hers after work/ school. She's going to parties with her and basically spending every spare minute she can with this girl.
And then every night after school she is 'studying' in the library, going out to eat, and not coming home until10/ 11pm at night.
The girl seems nice enough and I have her address, so I do know where DD is supposedly spending the night when she stays over, but it's such a behaviour change for DD that I can't help think something is up.
She doesn't seem drunk when she comes home from parties ( she has in the past), she says she wouldn't touch drugs, I've asked if a boy is involved and she says no, and her friend has a boyfriend so I don't think it's anything between the girls, but maybe...
Also, DD has lied to us a few times about how she's got home-saying she's walked/ taken public transport when this girl has given her a lift. I've never caught her lying before so that's not helped me trust what she says :(
I know she's almost an adult and up until now she's done well academically, but it's such a change in behaviour.
I'm worried but maybe I'm being over protective?
What do you think?

OP posts:
Ambidexte · 03/10/2019 09:20

They actually sound like a couple to me.

Although not necessarily. At that age you do sometimes have very close platonic relationships like that.

TatianaLarina · 03/10/2019 09:22

I don’t think it is normal for teens.

I was very much a partyer as a teen and I liked clubbing, but I was at an academic school so weekdays were for work.

I very much doubt she is studying from her behaviour patterns and falling behind with her work.

SirVixofVixHall · 03/10/2019 09:23

I also spent all my time with a friend at that age. I do think it is quite normal. Is the issue that you don’t like the friend ? Or just that it seems out of character ?

MrsTeaspoon · 03/10/2019 09:24

The fact you put “studying” in quotation marks is telling. Somebody could be sat at their desk in their bedroom at home and still just be procrastinating...in the end you really do have to step back and let her make her choices in life, to study or not is one of them. I’d like to think it’s concern over her academic situation that is leading your angst rather than imbedded homophobia but make sure you have a good look at your feelings and actions in case you are accidentally pushing her away by being anti single-sex relationships. It’s interesting that she felt any need to lie about a friend dropping her off at all.

Idontwanttotalk · 03/10/2019 09:25

"Also, DD has lied to us a few times about how she's got home-saying she's walked/ taken public transport when this girl has given her a lift."
I do think there is something strange about it. If she tells you she is going to her friend's after school and staying over at hers of a weekend then why lie about several times about having a lift home from her?

How do you know she lied and did you speak to her about the lying?

Hazardd · 03/10/2019 09:27

I had intense female friendships at that age to, nothing romantic but with one we did really love each other. We just clicked and felt like we really understood one another in a nearly psychic kind of way 😁 Fast forward 15 years and we hardly speak except the odd message. No drugs or drinking involved or boys for that matter.

Monkeyseesmonkeydoes · 03/10/2019 09:28

You don't sound homophobic to me from what you've said, and I wouldn't worry about her not telling you if this girl is her GF rather than bestie. It's terrifying when you're that age and figuring it all out, there's no way I would have told my parents at that age that I was gay unless I had to - not sure why! they were fine about it in the end but it's just all a bit daunting at 17/18.
As long as she's happy, doing okay in school you just have to step back. At least she isn't going to get pregnant by accident...

CIT80 · 03/10/2019 09:29

My friend and I didn’t spend a night apart at that age - we were constantly together either staying at my house or her house we worked together went to school together and partied together - I can’t see anything of concern in your post apart from the ‘mothers instinct’ which I do agree is hard to ignore

headinhands · 03/10/2019 09:30

Sounds healthy to me. That's what you want for her, to blossom and explore.

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:30

I don't think there is any romantic attachment between them as my other daughters are both gay, so it's not a big deal in this house.
I think she'd probably tell me but maybe not.
Anyhow, I'm not really as paranoid as I sound, it's just this behaviour is not normal for her and I wondered if people with a bit more teen experience had any ideas.
Also I wonder why this girl is driving my DD around so much. I've told DD to give her petrol money.
But it sounds like everything is okay- thanks for reassuring me.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 03/10/2019 09:30

What are you worried might be happening? That she's an OW? At that age, it's not really that huge a deal to be dating a couple of people at once, is it?

TatianaLarina · 03/10/2019 09:31

The intense friendship is not the problem is the not coming home til late every school night and falling behind in studies that the OP is concerned about.

ravenmum · 03/10/2019 09:32

I think in that position, though, I might have a general chat about not relying too much on one single friend or partner, socially?

TatianaLarina · 03/10/2019 09:33

Xpost - I wouldn’t listen to strangers on an Internet forum over your own intuition OP.

Coming home at 10-11 every school night is not ‘normal’ teen behaviour, other than in families with low academic aspirations.

If you knew for sure she was studying that would be ok, but from the sound of it, I doubt she is.

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:35

@idontwanttotalk
I know she lied as her zip card didn't register the journeys she said she had taken.
And I was coming home from the shops when she had said she was 'going for a walk' and I saw her getting out of her friend's car.
She admitted she had lied and said it's because we don't like her friend, but it's not we don't like her- she's perfectly nice.
It's just I don't get the friend ship, but it sounds like other people have had friends like this and it's all fine.
We have asked her to be honest though.

OP posts:
Trewser · 03/10/2019 09:38

I'd be worried, is the other girl at school? But then I'm strict and would insist on being at home studying in year 13. What do your other dds think about it?

boredboredboredboredbored · 03/10/2019 09:39

Honestly (and i say this as a mother of a 16 yo dd) I think you are worrying about nothing. When I was her age I discovered dance music. I met a new group of friends and was out ALL of the time. I adored those years, they were the most fun times of my life. My studies did not suffer as I was still focused.

She isnt displaying any risky behaviour she's just finding her freedom. Try and step back a bit (although its bloody hard!!).

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:39

@TatianaLarina, thanks - I am a bit worried about DDs studies being affected and have let her know that we will be relaxed about the late nights for now, but if her grades start to slip we will have to rethink things.
She does work late at night quite often anyhow, and maybe she is inspiring this other girl, who is taking less academic A levels than DD.
That doesn't mean she is less into her studies though.

OP posts:
Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:42

@Trewser The other girl is at a different school, and isn't doing the same academic subjects as my DD.
She is also allowed to leave school when she doesn't have classes, whereas my DD isn't.
DD2 and 3 are younger and don't know anything about the friend, although they have been given a lift by her and agree she's nice and have said she's a good driver.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 03/10/2019 09:42

Omg you sound like my mum when I was that age. Absolute bloody nightmare. Crazy paranoid and suspicious about the simplest things.

OP sounds nothing like that Hmm.

I think she's probably just found a new and exciting group of friends that she's really connected with and possibly there's a boyfriend too...

SurfingGiantess · 03/10/2019 09:43

Maybe you coukd ask her to take turns and have them both come over to yours to study a few times a week too. That way you know where she is and get to know the other girl.
I had a very intense friendship like that at that age too though.
Just be careful teenagers usually lie no matter how good they may be 😁

Rachelover60 · 03/10/2019 09:43

Doesn't sound suspicious to me.

Trewser · 03/10/2019 09:46

Keep an eye on it OP. And ignore the poster who is convinced you are just like her mum Hmm

WonderWomansSpin · 03/10/2019 09:47

Are you sure she's still at school? I know you said she has more free periods but from your OP it's her almost constant availability that niggles with me.
fwiw I think having the condition that if her grades slip, she has to scale back the late nights, is a great approach.

Original poster
FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:48

@MrsTeaspoon I'm definitely not homophobic- both my other daughters are gay so that was my first thought!
I do think she would tell me but maybe not?
I am a little worried about the academic stuff as she's done very well up until now and was considering Medical School, but it's her life. I don't want her to do a degree like that if she's really not into it!
It would be a shame if she bombed out completely in Y13 but I feel it's important that it's her choice.

OP posts: