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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be suspicious about DD1's new friendship? I want you to say I am.

74 replies

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 08:40

DD1 is 17, 18 in a few months, and in Y13 doing A levels.
She's always had a bunch of different friendship groups and has often gone out with friends once or twice a week but then had periods where she's not gone out much at all.
Suddenly she's made a new friend from work and she spends ALL her time with her and is out almost every night after school.
This girl is not at the same school as DD's and seems to be out of school more than DD1. She is always available to drive DD around and picks her up from school and drops her home after they have been 'studying' together. We live a good 20 mins from the school, so it's not like it's just around the corner.
DD wants to stay over at her place at least once during the weekend and then goes back to hers after work/ school. She's going to parties with her and basically spending every spare minute she can with this girl.
And then every night after school she is 'studying' in the library, going out to eat, and not coming home until10/ 11pm at night.
The girl seems nice enough and I have her address, so I do know where DD is supposedly spending the night when she stays over, but it's such a behaviour change for DD that I can't help think something is up.
She doesn't seem drunk when she comes home from parties ( she has in the past), she says she wouldn't touch drugs, I've asked if a boy is involved and she says no, and her friend has a boyfriend so I don't think it's anything between the girls, but maybe...
Also, DD has lied to us a few times about how she's got home-saying she's walked/ taken public transport when this girl has given her a lift. I've never caught her lying before so that's not helped me trust what she says :(
I know she's almost an adult and up until now she's done well academically, but it's such a change in behaviour.
I'm worried but maybe I'm being over protective?
What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:50

Thanks to those posters who don't think I sound too crazy paranoid. This was my mother and I'm trying very hard not to channel her!

OP posts:

Lindy2 · 03/10/2019 09:55

It might be that she has finally found a "best" friend that she really clicks with.
It sounds like she has had a circle of friends but no real best buddy. It's probably very exciting for her to have someone special, whether it's as friends or as partners.
The main thing I would be concerned at is the repeat late nights when she has school the next day. That will take a toll on her studies regardless of how much studying she is doing.
At nearly 18 it's hard to set any times for being home but you could point out that you don't think she's getting enough sleep during the week. Perhaps agree the weekend sleepover as long as she's back a bit earlier during the week.

NoDontLookAtMeImShy · 03/10/2019 09:58

I don't see anything wrong with what you have written.

Sounds absolutely normal to me. Your daughter sounds very sensible and balanced.

Original poster

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 09:59

@Lindy2, I think that might be a good move. She is always tired anyhow- this isn't helping.
I think you might be right about the best buddy thing. A lot of her school friends have strict parents who don't allow sleepovers and we can't have them here without a lot of preparation, so it's a novelty for her.

OP posts:

implantsandaDyson · 03/10/2019 10:12

So your almost 18 year old daughter has a friend she spends most of her free time with. Has fallen behind in her exam prep but she says she knows and is addressing this.

You've no inclination that your daughter or her friend is taking drugs, no sign of coming home drunk, her friend makes sure she gets home safely, according to your other kids the friend is ok and is a good driver. Your daughter's other school friends aren't really allowed sleepovers, have strict parents - are they almost 18 too?

And yet you're worried or sorry "suspicious" of the friendship - I'd be spending lots of time with my new work friend too if I was your daughter. It sounds perfectly normal to me. Do you not like your daughter's new friend because she isn't as academic as you would like? You don't need to get your kids friendships - that's the joy of making your own friends, you choose them.

Beautiful3 · 03/10/2019 10:13

At that age, I had a best friend who I'd spend all of my free time with too.

theendoftheendoftheend · 03/10/2019 10:18

Lying about her friend giving her lifts is the only thing that screams odd - it's odd she thinks you would rather have walked or found her own way home then be given a lift by her friend

Tonnerre · 03/10/2019 10:21

When this happened in The Archers, it turned out that the kid was going out with one of the teachers ...

Original poster

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 10:30

@Tonnerre Arghhh! :D

OP posts:

Trewser · 03/10/2019 10:32

Perhaps the friend smokes weed or something?

WalkiesPlease · 03/10/2019 11:56

Sounds like the kind of infatuation you get when you're younger and you find that best friend you just "click" with. I don't mean to sound rude at all but maybe she's picked up on your suspicions (even if you haven't voiced them) and so she's a bit worried to let on just how much time she's spending with her? Hence the lying. If she carries on the way she is, it will inevitably affect her grades but hopefully if things get noticeably worse the school will intervene and she'll realise that she needs to pull her socks up a bit. You seem like a really good Mum, by the way.

BottleOfJameson · 03/10/2019 12:35

I can kind of see why you're concerned but I don't think it's that unusual for girls to form intense, exclusive relationships like that. Unless you think DD is becoming obsessed to the exclusion of her other friends and school work I don't think you should intervene. Definitely don't give her the impression you're interfering or she won't confide in you.

RuffleCrow · 03/10/2019 12:39

Maybe see if you can get her to invite her round to yours more often so you can get to know her better.

thesnapandfartisinfallible · 03/10/2019 12:41

I'd bet on girlfriend.

museumum · 03/10/2019 12:48

I don’t understand what it is you don’t “get” about the friendship?
It sounds intense but 17 year olds are intense. They seem to have really “clicked”. I’d have loved the freedom of a bestie with their own car at that age. Probably feels very grown up.

BarbedBloom · 03/10/2019 12:52

I had a best friend at that age. We spent almost all our time together, in fact I stayed at hers for weeks at a time. I am bi but there was never any romantic side to it, we just enjoyed spending time together. She drove and I didn't and she would pick me up and we would drive around.

My mum thought we spent a bit too much time together as previously I had been a bit of a homebody. Sometimes I wouldn't tell her when I saw my friend as she would get this expression on her face, whether she realised it or not and be slightly off with me. We weren't doing anything wrong at all and I felt at 17 it was up to me how I spent my time, within reason.

Though there was another girl I hung out with at that age and she was my girlfriend. I didn't tell my mum as I wasn't sure if I was gay or bi then and I didn't want to make a big announcement until I was sure.

Cupcakesandcurlyfries · 03/10/2019 13:34

My daughter is 17. She'd use the house as a bed a breakfast if we let her get away with it! She had a friend like your daughter. (minus being able to drive) lived in each others pockets. They would say 'we're like sisters!' I'd reply, 'then you'll probably fall out sooner or later' within a few months, fallen out, couldn't stand each other!
Personally, I wouldn't worry too much that she has this friend. What I did was check in with school that she was attending, doing work to usial standards etc. I made it clear to my daughter that the second her studies were affected, there would be no more going out on a school night and unless all homework was completed thers would be no going out at the weekend either. She is not allowed to sleep out during term time.

sheshootssheimplores · 03/10/2019 13:36

I had the same. I was the friend with the car, I’d pick her up from school and we’d hang out, go on nights out, I’d stay over. There was nothing weird going on, we were just beat mates.

raspberryk · 03/10/2019 14:02

It's way weirder that she has friends that aren't allowed sleepovers, and that a sleepover at yours takes too much organising than an almost 18yo spending most of their time out of the house, I'd say it's 3 years later than usual though.

CatsOnCatnip · 03/10/2019 14:48

At your daughters I met a girl who lived in central London and pretty much never came home. My mum never knew where I was. Went out clubbing and gigging... normal teenage behaviour. My mum was obviously concerned, but by 19 I had grown out of it.

I had a great time, but I dread my daughter doing the same thing when she’s that age, so your worrying isn’t unjust, but your daughters behaviour with her new friend sounds totally normal.

Original poster

FiveHoursSleep · 03/10/2019 15:01

@RaspberryK it's not that weird where we live. Lots of Tiger mums around- I'm not one but the three younger siblings are autistic and struggle with other people in the house.
We can have people over but it takes a lot of organisation and can't be a spontaneous thing. And it can't happen often.

OP posts:

waterrat · 03/10/2019 15:22

Very normal when I remember being 17 op. I was going clubbing all night and hanging around with people my mum never met ..and I'm now a very normal senior professional!!

She is becoming an adult and it's part of letting go to be honest. She will be at uni soon so she needs to learn how to run her own life

raspberryk · 03/10/2019 15:27

Fair point about the younger siblings, to be honest that makes even more sense for her to be out.

Tiger moms? Idk where you live but not allowing 16,17 or 18 yo sleepovers is wacko .

ElizaPancakes · 03/10/2019 21:54

I’ve read the whole thread and still don’t think this is anything to worry about.

If my mum had tried to curtail my socialising I wouldn’t have studied more, I would have just fumed and read a book in my room. I was out almost every night, sometimes in bars but quite a lot just hanging out with friends.

Personally I think the reason this feels weird for you is simple because she’s never acted like this before!

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