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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get an 'I have autism' badge for DS?

72 replies

GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 07:23

DS is 3. He's been struggling with people coming over to him to talk or entering his space and it causes him to scream and slap his head and more recently than not people have begun tutting at him or pulling a face before walking away or looking completely shocked and awkward (which I can understand!)
WIBU to get a badge that says something along the lines of "I have Autism, please be patient" for DS to wear in certain situations where people try to interact with him? (I'm thinking ahead for Christmas and Santa's grotto type things.)
I'm not sure how I feel about the badges, on one hand I like the idea of not having to explain to people over and over again but on the other hand I don't want to offend anyone who has Autism by labelling DS.
What are people's thoughts on a badge?

OP posts:
Damntheman · 03/10/2019 07:28

Absolutely do it! Whatever makes life easier for him (and you) is positive. Is this not what the sunflower lanyard is for? Although admittedly the sunflower thing is not as mainstream as it should be yet, so the badge might be the simpler way forward for now.

LucieFurr · 03/10/2019 07:30

I think it's a great idea and might help people to be more understanding around him

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 07:54

I've heard about the sunflower lanyard but I'm not confident a lot of people in my area would know what it is. I would just like for people to understand that my DS isn't being 'naughty' or 'rude and that with a bit of patience he can settle down and begin interacting with people but without having to constantly explain it to every other person we meet as I feel like all I'm ever saying are negative things about DS and it gets upsetting.

OP posts:
cardamoncoffee · 03/10/2019 07:58

I think it's a great idea for now when he's so young and not able to articulate that he wants his space. When he's older he can then decide whether or not to wear it himself.
We use the sunflower lanyard for travelling (as provided by our airport) but not everyone in the airport knows what it is! Didn't know it was a universal thing.

FamilyOfAliens · 03/10/2019 08:00

Does he have autism?

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 08:08

Yes he does have Autism else I wouldn't be considering a badge to explain that.

OP posts:
ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 03/10/2019 08:10

I think this is a really good idea while he is small for Santa’s Grotto type events.
I hate explaining over and over again to people. My DS is almost 11 and has “Aspergers” so I am constantly saying “He’s quirky” when he does something people wouldn’t expect, as any other explanation seems negative! X

FamilyOfAliens · 03/10/2019 08:13

Yes he does have Autism else I wouldn't be considering a badge to explain that.

You didn’t mention it in your OP.

I’ve worked with a lot of parents whose DC have been assessed as having “autistic traits”. I’ve also heard the (offensive) claim that “everyone is a bit autistic”. So thanks for clarifying.

Sirzy · 03/10/2019 08:14

Personally as the mum of an autistic child I don’t like things like that. Surely at 3 you are besides him when out so can just say to people “he isn’t keen on people can you give him some space”

AudacityOfHope · 03/10/2019 08:14

That's sad; that you feel you have to visibly excuse him to strangers who should know bloody better that to judge. Sad

chinupchickeny · 03/10/2019 08:14

People are really arseholes aren't they. Surely in this day and age they shouldn't need a badge to consider a child behaving like that might have SEN. Sad

Elodie2019 · 03/10/2019 08:18

Would ear defenders be of any use?
To help with the noise?
Personally, I'd miss seeing a badge or lanyard. Not very observant.

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2019 08:19

One of mine has ASD and I will admit I think it’s a little odd. He is 3yo do not sure why you put him in the position of people disturbing him like this? Surely if people are going to interact in a way he won’t appreciate, you would just head them off before it even has a chance to become a situation?

Also, very brave with Santa’s Grotto. It would have been the last experience mine with ASD would have been up for at 3yo, they would have found it horrific. Does your 3yo want to do this or do you want them to do it?

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 08:21

Yes part of me isn't sure whether it's a good idea either as I agree that he shouldn't have to wear a badge to stop others being judgemental of him. Also when he gets older I don't know whether I want to be sending the message to him that he should have to wear a label to excuse himself in public. As it is now, I often struggle to explain to people in the moment as DS can be screaming and thrashing on the floor or bolting in the other direction with me running after him so I tend to be caught up in helping DS.
I like the suggestions of PP on things to say to handle the situation as in the moment I often get flustered and stuck for things to say. Perhaps if I have some replies prepared it could make the situation easier.

OP posts:
Elodie2019 · 03/10/2019 08:22

I don't want to offend anyone who has Autism by labelling DS.

I took this to mean that there was no diagnosis.

If he has problems with noise ear defenders are good. Autism or no Autism.

DrPimplePopper · 03/10/2019 08:25

I know it's a wider issue, but I noticed last year there were a few 'sensitive' autism-friendly Santa's grottos around, so maybe there's something like that near you. I'm in the North West and I think it was the old Chill Factore place doing a autism-friendly version of a winter wonderland event.

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 08:25

Sometimes I can't help but put him in the position of 'disturbing' people. It can be when we are doing the shopping or on a walk to the park and people approach us. As for the grotto and other things similar, DS wants to do them and asks to go, there are many aspects of the experience he does enjoy, he just struggles initially with the interaction with strangers. I don't take DS to anything he doesn't want to do or anything I know he won't be able to handle but for the things that he can do, I want to encourage him. Unfortunately the judgements of others can sometimes make it an unpleasant experience.

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2019 08:26

Should have added even now as an adult mine would run a mile from Santa’s Grotto. They manage life well on their own terms (currently doing a challenging uni degree funnily enough highly populated by others with ASD), will most likely get a good job in this area which involves mainly working in a team of one Grin, has great friends (also with ASD and they all ‘get’ each other), has particular interest/hobby/sport where they interact with a broad group of people that have the same interest. Their life is fine. But no way will they put themselves in situations along the lines of Santa’s Grotto. As a parent when they are younger and give these directives clearly (only with behaviours) it’s s parents job to navigate this for them.

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 08:27

What I meant by not wanting to offend others with Autism was more if they thought the idea of a badge was a bit strange or felt that those with Autism shouldn't have to wear one.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 03/10/2019 08:30

If he is mid meltdown then a badge isn’t going to make any difference to anyone surely?

I think you need to try to find ways to manage his triggers rather than worrying about responses of others (easier said than done I know)

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2019 08:30

It can be when we are doing the shopping or on a walk to the park and people approach us.

So, what do you do in this situation when people approach you. Knowing that it’s probably going to go to shit. Do you just let them approach or tell them to go away politely and then not do politely if they ignore or don’t get it. Just struggling to understand as I sure as shit haven’t had any one come near me/us if I’ve indicated it’s not appreciated. That includes places such as checkout queues.

Myriade · 03/10/2019 08:31

I am uncomfortable with the idea because many people have no idea what autism means and can be judgemental of the word/diagnosis itself.
Just see in here people are questioning whether your ds has been actually diagnosed or not so I would expect similar reactions in RL too.

I suspect something more visible but also more neutral like the ear defenders might work better.
Also just ignoring people. They are tutting? Tough. They are strangers who have no idea what your and your ds life is.
They are ashamed/uncomfortable? Tough. Who will go into a young child personal space when they don’t know them? It’s nit just children who are in the spectrum who have an issue with it. Why do it? They might learn from that that it’s not a good idea.

Sleepyblueocean · 03/10/2019 08:34

Ds who is 13 hates others invading his space or bothering him. I have got into the habit of telling others very quickly that it upsets him. The only problem is when parents let young children come over to him as they are harder to get rid of as they don't understand what I am saying.
We have never used a badge but do now have a sunflower lanyard wrapped around his sn buggy or wheelchair. I've seen a few of the lanyards about recently so I think they are becoming more 'mainstream'.

Myriade · 03/10/2019 08:35

@GreyFluffyFeathers, I wouldn't take him to the Grotto and I would be careful with places that YOU know will trigger a meltdown.
In time, he will get used to it and more able to handle those situations.
But many children are scared shit of Santa, can’t stand in a line for such a long time etc... he doesn’t have to do that.

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 08:35

Yesterday for example, I was unloading the trolly at the checkout and someone queued behind us as DS was sitting in the trolly and said hello, commenting on his jumper. This set DS off and the person frowned at him and moved to another checkout. I find it's not always possible to deter people.

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