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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to get an 'I have autism' badge for DS?

72 replies

GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 07:23

DS is 3. He's been struggling with people coming over to him to talk or entering his space and it causes him to scream and slap his head and more recently than not people have begun tutting at him or pulling a face before walking away or looking completely shocked and awkward (which I can understand!)
WIBU to get a badge that says something along the lines of "I have Autism, please be patient" for DS to wear in certain situations where people try to interact with him? (I'm thinking ahead for Christmas and Santa's grotto type things.)
I'm not sure how I feel about the badges, on one hand I like the idea of not having to explain to people over and over again but on the other hand I don't want to offend anyone who has Autism by labelling DS.
What are people's thoughts on a badge?

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2019 08:38

Also, if someone’s close enough to read a badge, that’s too close. Gosh, even for myself if a random stranger in an uninvited situation was close enough to read a badge on me I’d be having words.

hazeyjane · 03/10/2019 08:38

I don't really like the idea of a badge. However, for a short time I had a small card printed which I could give to someone who interfered negatively when ds was going off like Krakatoa.
I have also worked with children, where the learning disability nurses have printed a small leaflet for the family to give to a person who interferes when their child is having a meltdown in public.

People that stare and roll their eyes can just fuck off...no cards needed

NearlyGranny · 03/10/2019 08:40

Why don't you make a badge for yourself? It could say something like, "Parent of autistic child: don't ask, don't judge." or some polite version of whatever you inwardly feel like saying to strangers.

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 08:42

I think I've decided it's a no to the badge but that I need to work on what to say to people in those situations.

OP posts:
boringisasboringdoes · 03/10/2019 08:42

Maybe a wristband wd be more subtle? If he wd wear it. Then if someone starts tutting you could draw attention to it

The sunflower lanyards are a great idea but not sure about on little kids

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2019 08:45

I find it's not always possible to deter people.

I think you’ll find there is ‘a look’ that clearly conveys to people that things will not go well if they interact with you/kids in any way whatsoever and basically dares them to take it to that level. 99.9% wont.

The other thing is you need to jump in. So in the example you gave you let someone blather on to your child about their jumper. First syllable out of their mouth jump in and tell them to desist, many ways to do this. Start with superficially polite, but don’t be apologetic. If they retort open both barrels.

Defenestrator · 03/10/2019 08:47

It's you that wears the sunflower lanyard, not him! And it's not your fault people aren't clued up enough about them. I find when I wear mine people ask what it's for and I am able to 'educate' them and spread the word a little further.

ltk · 03/10/2019 08:51

To be honest, and I speak from experience here, the quickest fix is for you to stop caring how others respond. That is what your lovely ds is doing, and he's onto something there. Learn from his example!

Other people can be rude, overly invasive of personal space, judgemental and snide. Ignore them for the most part, and educate the feckers about their assumptions when you are really annoyed.

Sleepyblueocean · 03/10/2019 08:54

In the example you just gave the person may just have been bothered that they upset your child and it showed on their face. A quick "he gets anxious when strangers talk to him" is all that is required. You only need to say more than that if they start giving 'advice'.

ltk · 03/10/2019 08:56

And in the example about the jumper, ds deterred the person all by himself! He's fabulous. He knows his boundaries and he's not shy about making them known. As he gets older, you can work on less nuclear responses, but for 3 I reckon he's doing what needs doing. Smile

mumwon · 03/10/2019 09:00

I seem to remember NAS have cards - & they also have carers card in case YOU have an accident so people know you care for someone with asd etc

ScottishBadger · 03/10/2019 09:00

Have a look at justausome.co.uk

They do Autism awareness clothing. Some in neon too which is handy when you have a runner like mine- won't lose sight in a hurry.

We've found the hoodies helpful when our dd(7) is visibly stimmy in public as people don't overly stare and the print is visible from further away than a badge

Square peg clothing is good too

EmExtra · 03/10/2019 09:09

If I know we are going to be around a lot of people I will sometimes put my DS in a t shirt saying ‘autism awareness’ or something similar and/or sometimes wear a t shirt myself (he refuses ear defenders now but they were a great indicator too) I know some people don’t like them but it has really helped with judgemental people and the stares and so far it has made going certain places easier as often people are now more understanding and accommodating without me having to say a thing. Some people are rude and I didn’t want to have to explain to strangers all the time so the t-shirts have really worked for us but I know they’re not for everyone.

AudacityOfHope · 03/10/2019 09:11

I freely admit to not walking in your shoes, but why do you have to explain your son away to absolute strangers? It might be easy for me to say, but I think a better attitude might be 'this is who we are' and fucking roll with it.

Some people are dicks. Don't apologise for your son because of them, not him.

Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 09:17

As time has gone on I have gotten better at my 'not giving a fuck attitude' and tend to just get on with whatever we are doing and ignore everyone else. I am a really shy and quiet person and tend to be really sensitive so sometimes when people are loud and pushy it takes me aback and I don't know what to say in the moment.
You're right, I should have to explain DS to anyone but some days when you face a lot of judgement it wears you down hence considering the badge. However I don't think it's a good idea and to be honest, it's me that needs to learn to deal with the people not DS.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 09:20

That should be *I shouldn't have to explain

OP posts:
Bellringer · 03/10/2019 09:22

Avoid santas grotto, it's not compulsory, or their may be a low key santa rather than noisy commercial shopping centre ones. Do things he will enjoy instead. I know life can't cater to him completely but pick your battles

PumpkinP · 03/10/2019 09:23

Yeh I’m not too sure personally. I was on a bus with my dd who has autism. It got to our stop but the bus was so busy she started to panic as she couldn’t get through the crowd. A woman deliberately blocked the aisle and refused to move to let her past. I told the woman that dd has autism so can you let her through as she’s getting panicked and my god did I get a mouthful of abuse! And told that “no the wonder she has mental health issues with a mother like you!” I wasn’t even doing anything I was standing in the pram area holding my then newborn. So yeh basically there is a lot of people who will still judge or be nasty and I’m not sure a badge would change that.

x2boys · 03/10/2019 09:45

I think you can get cards from the National Autistic Society to hand out to people explaining why your child might behave the way they do ,as for offending other autistic people ,why should it? Autism is a massive spectrum just because one child or person with Autism behaves in a certain way doesn't mean every child or person wil, my son has severe autism and learning disabilities , he's non verbal he acts very differently to some other children with autism.

cardamoncoffee · 03/10/2019 09:48

I freely admit to not walking in your shoes, but why do you have to explain your son away to absolute strangers?

I would have said exactly the same thing before having ds, but it is often the reaction/comments/behaviour of the general public that made the thought of taking him out so much more stressful. People often think they are parenting/childcare gurus and are helping you out mid melt-down in 'disciplining' your child because you don't know how to Hmm

In an ideal world no one would ever bat an eyelid at what looks like a child behaving badly but it does happen. A badge or some sort of indicator that this child has specific needs can help turn unwarranted/unsolicited 'experts' into a more understanding society. Although they are probably the ones that think that ASD doesn't exist

hazeyjane · 03/10/2019 09:52

I think sometimes it's not about 'explaining your child away'....it's more finding a way to handle a situation - in our case, the worst times would be when I was on my own with ds and his sisters who are a few years older than him, if ds was in the throes of a meltdown in a shop, my priorities were - ensure ds and dds safety, make sure nothing gets broken, deal with situation (get out or hunker down until it's over)....if a stranger decided to come up and make a comment in the midst of this (and they did and do) ...then I didn't want to stand there explaining my complex son to some stranger in front of him and his sisters....in my head I would be shouting ' FUCK OFF. YOU ARE NOT HELPING'...but figured that might be a bit much in front of a shop full of people and a 4, 7 and 8 year old one of whom is in the midst of hulking out, while the other 2 learn the art of being publicly mortified. Maintaining as much calm as possible and shoving a card in the strangers hand so they have something to read while they fuck off, seemed the best idea.

myweechickens · 03/10/2019 09:59

@GreyFluffyFeathers

I wouldn't ever get a badge to excuse my sons behaviour, meltdowns etc and you shouldn't feel you have to either. Our children are special little people who face challenges everyday of their lives and what other people think or say doesn't matter. Getting a badge and pinning it on them would be labelling them for the world to see. Well do you know what? My response to the world and the people in it who aren't patient and considerate is FUCK YOU!

I can see why you'd want to do it because the staring and muttered comments bug the shit out of you, I just give people a look that could kill or I mutter right into their faces that not all disabilities are visible and they should really learn not to discriminate one day they might be the one with the disability and that I hope they don't experience the discrimination they have just dealt out.

Don't ever feel you should make excuses for the precious person you made.

hazeyjane · 03/10/2019 10:02

..and ds has always hated people coming up to him and getting in his face. For ages I found it quite hard to think of how to be polite, whilst letting them know that they should probably just leave ds alone. Then one day in his sn buggy, a lady came up and chucked him under the chin, saying 'oh isn't he a beautiful boy'....ds smacked her hand away and screamed blue murder, causing shop wide panic.

After this I decided to model how I wanted ds to react, so if someone trief to do similar I would say something like... 'ds doesn't like people coming too close, a thumbs up is ok though'. My modelling hasn't worked completely, because a few months ago ds (in buggy again) attracted a lady (he's like a magnet) who leant in and touched the picture on his jumper, and ds said - 'I not like you. Don't touch' and looking horrified the lady stepped away. It's good though, he didn't hit her and he stated his boundaries.

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 03/10/2019 10:10

My neighbour (who is now 19, I think) wears one of these. She only got officially diagnosed about 3 or 4 years ago (after years and years of effort by her mother). She finds it very useful when she has to interact with the public/shop staff etc

ValiaH · 03/10/2019 10:31

One thing I found helpful to learn, is that you DON'T owe them an explanation. They have caused your child distress, allbeit accidentally a lot of the time. Your child is the one who needs your comfort and support, the stranger is just that, a stranger, and you are unlikely to see them again. If someone is getting too close to him and is likely to trigger a meltdown or reaction, then you can physically get between him and them, or place a hand on your sons shoulder while saying something like' please give him some room' or 'he doesn't like strangers' then give your son your attention reassuring him in a way that helps him. My 4 year old daughter is autistic, and this has helped us avoid several meltdowns, which is my main concern. I have got very good at ignoring comments and reactions, because I don't want my daughter to feel like there is something wrong with her or that she needs to be uncomfortable to make other people happy.