Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to get an 'I have autism' badge for DS?

72 replies

GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 07:23

DS is 3. He's been struggling with people coming over to him to talk or entering his space and it causes him to scream and slap his head and more recently than not people have begun tutting at him or pulling a face before walking away or looking completely shocked and awkward (which I can understand!)
WIBU to get a badge that says something along the lines of "I have Autism, please be patient" for DS to wear in certain situations where people try to interact with him? (I'm thinking ahead for Christmas and Santa's grotto type things.)
I'm not sure how I feel about the badges, on one hand I like the idea of not having to explain to people over and over again but on the other hand I don't want to offend anyone who has Autism by labelling DS.
What are people's thoughts on a badge?

OP posts:

DriveInSaturday · 03/10/2019 11:29

Another vote from me for the cards explaining autism. The funny thing was that I never actually gave any out. Just knowing I had them made me more confident about dealing with reactions to DS in public.

As for Santa's Grotto, I don't know where you live, but when DS was little we used to take him to Audley End miniature railway near Saffron Walden. The train goes through the woods to the grotto, where you all stay on the train as Santa walks along saying hello to everyone (no long conversations or queuing) and all the children get a little present. If you are anywhere nearby it's well worth a journey.

LoisEinhorn · 03/10/2019 11:33

Check out Barely Tolerated Designs on fb. I got my daughter a couple of badges from her.

italianfiat · 03/10/2019 11:34

You are there to advocate for him. He doesn't need a badge. Anyone who is judging or invading his space after you telling them not to isn't going to pay any attention to a badge. It's a bit needy/showy imo. People with Autism have enough to deal with without their own parents sticking what amounts to a warning on them. Just be his voice in the same way you would for any other small child.

Rinoachicken · 03/10/2019 11:39

I think you can get cards from the National Autistic Society

I was looking for some of these the other day and they don’t seem to do them anymore :(

HoppingPavlova · 03/10/2019 11:47

My modelling hasn't worked completely, because a few months ago ds (in buggy again) attracted a lady (he's like a magnet) who leant in and touched the picture on his jumper, and ds said - 'I not like you. Don't touch' and looking horrified the lady stepped away. It's good though, he didn't hit her and he stated his boundaries.

I don’t have ASD but if I was out and about and some random came up to me and started touching a picture on my jumper I would not be impressed. I most certainly would smack their hand away while asking them what the fuck they were playing at. Why would there be an expectation that kids (whether ASD or not) are expected to put up with this behaviour. How would you like it if someone did this to you?

Similarly, if someone wandered up to me and started touching my chin I may also scream blue murder. Why would anyone be expected to be polite about that and put up with it? Why is a child (ASD or not) expected to suck that up with a smile?

zxcvhjkl · 03/10/2019 11:48

I don't know how I feel about a badge. Something about it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. Almost as if you are singling him out? I can't put my finger on it. I say that as a parent to an ASD DC.

Autism is still so widely misunderstood by the public due to the different ways it effects different people, so also unsure how helpful it would be from that respect. It's more giving the behaviour a name rather than an instruction on how to support.

I tend to have a few stock phrases saved up. Eg "my child is uncomfortable with people being too close", "exerting freedom of choice", "easily overwhelmed by noise" etc it helps people know exactly what they should and shouldn't do.

If you get the odd looks, I swing between overly friendly smile and comment of "autism hey" or a silent death stare based on my level of patience at that given time.

It will get a little easier with practice, you will tune in and recognise the triggers before it reaches boiling point.

CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 03/10/2019 11:49

great idea - recently on holiday & came across a youngish boy that had a t-shirt with large writing on the front & back saying please be patient I have Autism

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 03/10/2019 11:51

Would you put an I’m vulnerable badge on an adult and send them out to the shops?? No because anyone can see that’s a bad idea

Putting a badge on the child, pointing out his difficulties won’t make people understand for god sake.

Some people are arseholes and a badge isn’t going to change that. Your his Mum just explain to the people in places like Santa grotto etc if they try to interact with you

Rinoachicken · 03/10/2019 11:58

Took my eldest who has ASD to a garden centre grotto a few days after the initial opening frenzy. It was nice and quiet and there was no queue, he was able to cope much better.

italianfiat · 03/10/2019 11:58

One thing I may be picking up on incorrectly is the Christmas and Santa's grotto comment. Are you planning to take him because he might like it or because you think it's what you should do? Just tell me to shut up but I have come across so many people who take children to these things when the kids suffer really badly inside because they don't like the noise; the crowds, the event etc. You don't have to take him to see Santa.

I haven't been out on Easter Sunday for 15 years now. Everyone seems to think you should go to a crazy busy park and roll eggs. My 2 Autistic DC hate busy events. Our family tradition became rolling eggs down the stairs. You don't have to do things with your DC if he isn't comfortable with them.

Sirzy · 03/10/2019 12:15

For things like grottos picking carefully can make a massive difference. We only ever go to the one at the school Christmas fair now, we get to the fair just before it opens so he goes in first to see Santa and then we go home from there.

No way would one of the big commercial grottos work for us. Not only because of number of people but the sensory overload which comes with it.

MyNameIsArthur · 03/10/2019 12:31

I think it's a great idea. When my autistic son was young, we had business like cards with a short message on them explaining his autism and challenging behaviour. I handed them out to people nearby when out in public if he became loud and difficult. It did help. I think we got the cards from the National Autistic Society. They may still provide them.

M3lon · 03/10/2019 12:41

I think the dividing line is whether it is for your son or for you.

If you were only thinking of a badge so that you feel better/less awkward/less judged then I'm not sure I would agree....but it seems pretty clear that having a badge might make people more cautious in initiating contact that is likely to cause a meltdown. Reducing meltdowns is surely a benefit to your son and so anything you think you can do to prevent that is surely defensible.

Lougle · 03/10/2019 12:45

I remember 3 being a really tricky age - young enough that people assume it's the terrible 2s, too young to speak up for themselves, and too old to not draw attention during a meltdown.

You will get more confident and physical movement can be a really powerful way of intervening with your child. E.g. last year, I had to take my children to an afternoon tea as part of the lead up to a wedding. They had to meet the bride's family. DD2 (not then diagnosed, but is now) wouldn't cope at all with having to say hello. So I concentrated on introducing my other children while I gently pushed DD2 behind me and sideways. As she scurried off to the table, I breezily said "and that's DD2, she's not great at meeting people, but if you ignore her, she'll talk to you when she's ready."

With the shopping example, turn the trolley around and pull it behind you as you queue. When it's your turn, you can go beside the trolley and unload it from the side. That way, you are between your DS and anyone who might try to say hello.

SuzieBishop · 03/10/2019 14:00

I would say get one OP. People are judgey arseholes and if it’ll make you feel better/less anxious then get one. We have suspicions that our 2 and a half year old DS has autism and have to wait till he’s 3 to get him diagnosed. I’ll be considering a badge for him as I’ve seen people’s reactions to him when he’s had an episode in public.

Original poster

GreyFluffyFeathers · 03/10/2019 14:06

Thanks for all the helpful suggestions of stock phrases and techniques when out and about, especially shopping! I'll be using them in the future. I am a very shy and quiet person so am gradually learning to be more assertive and less sensitive to others, which is probably why I am struggling with people when we are out.

I do agree that the badge is singling people with autism out and that's not something I want to do. I don't want DS to feel like he should apologise or explain himself to others which is why I asked the question originally as I was torn. I won't be getting one.
For everyone asking about the grotto - DS enjoys going to it. We have been to the same one for 3 years. It is one where you book and get a time and number so no queue. You walk through a 'winter wonderland' first which is a series of rooms decorated for winter/Christmas which DS is fascinated by and loves going through and then at the end you go into a cabin to meet Santa. This is the bit he struggles with initially but if the person takes a step back and is patient DS will go to him when he is ready.
I'm not forcing him to do things he doesn't want to do. If I really thought he wouldn't cope with it or would hate it/suffer then of course I wouldn't take him to it.
But at the same time I try to give DS as many experiences as I can within the boundaries of what I know he can handle. Otherwise we would never leave the house if I tried to avoid every thing that causes him difficulty.

OP posts:

Kanga83 · 03/10/2019 14:13

You can get the lanyards. My friend has had a baseball cap made for her boy that says 'Autism* I am not naughty, I am not rude, I just need my space and my quiet'.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/10/2019 14:13

DS has ADHD, and a relative laughed and said I didn't need to tell the staff (with his permission, he's 8) as he was leaping around Caffè Nero recently. We've been nearly kicked out of another café in the past, before the staff got to know him, and before he was diagnosed. I think I absolutely need to tell people.

Excited101 · 03/10/2019 14:18

I think the badge sounds helpful. Cards for you to give out is a faff, chances are that you’ll need them when you’re in the middle of something- which is exactly when having to find a card and give it to someone will be unhelpful. A badge that someone can see when they want to engage with your child is easier, much simpler, doesn’t have to be used all the time or forever but will help you and your son for now. Why make life harder than it needs to be?!

ShinyGiratina · 03/10/2019 14:22

Unfortunately for children with sensory/ personal space issues, people's natural reactions to chivvy them out of it tend to be more aggravating than helpful. I can see the appeal in having something to hand to prevent the intitial trigger and reduce escalation. You can't go through life avoiding all triggers. Sometimes it takes a while to work out what works/ doesn't work for them.

It's tough. At 3, I just had a toddler still in the full flow of the terrible twos and had been since 10m. It was 7yo and in an aggravated phase before I felt there was enough neuro-difference to be worth investigating and it's a long pathway to getting any identification to the way he functions. He so clearly shows classic signs of SPD. ASD? Maybe?

GhostHoward · 03/10/2019 14:23

I think your meaning behind a badge is really well meant, but I'm not sure what good it'd do, unless it was very large. It'd be easily missed. I second trying ear defenders with him.

Saying that, I have a friend with a 10yo son who was recently diagnosed with Aspergers (according to mum...when I went through the testing with my son they said it was all under the term "autism" now. He's incredibly high functioning, and you'd only know he has social difficulties if you know him well. In the past, when I've talked to his mum about it (we're close, so I have him to stay regularly and have seen him grow up) she said that ear defenders didn't help and he wasn't overwhelmed in crowds/noise, just a bit in a world of his own, so a danger of walking off randomly. This year I see pictures everywhere of him wearing ear defenders. When I asked her about it, she said it was to make people aware he had SEN. I was a bit about it, as this child has never not been able to behave in public (it's at home he lets loose), but I'm not his mum, so it's none of my business. Perhaps I'm missing something.

italianfiat · 03/10/2019 14:28

@GhostHoward

That's awful. People need to be doing what's right for the child not everyone else. Imagine making a child wear ear defenders when they don't need to. Why does she need to make everyone aware he has SEN?

Flip

1 2 3