To not want to go to my parents for Xmas now?

[Moomin8]

Usually my dds and I go to my parents for Christmas. They invited us again this year after we briefly discussed going out for Xmas lunch then my mum decided she didn't want to. We live v nearby so we do half the cooking in my oven and half in hers so it all comes together. This year I'll be nearly 39 weeks pregnant and I'm already really uncomfortable now and have had quite a physically difficult pregnancy.

So my mum suddenly announced that she's invited a female friend of theirs for Christmas Day because she's got nowhere else to go. The reason for this is that the friend has upset her son and his wife so they don't invite her for Christmas any more. I don't like / trust this woman either because she's not very nice to me and she came round to my house some years ago and laid into me at a time when I was mentally unwell and under the care of the home treatment team. My children remember this happening and they therefore don't like / trust her either.

My parents never said anything to her about the above behaviour and she didn't apologise to me either. They just sort of brushed it all under the carpet. Another thing about this woman is that she's always ill and she regularly drops in on people and gives them whatever bug she's carrying including stomach bugs. She doesn't seem to think that illnesses are something people want to avoid and decided to go to China at the height of the Sars crisis.

My mum won't even invite her brother at Christmas time so I don't understand why she acts so beholden to this woman. But either way, I don't really want to be around her on Christmas Day for the above reasons but I feel annoyed that we should be pushed out just because she's upset her own family.

So if you were me would you decide not to go?

I would suggest that you have your family Christmas on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day, if your mother wants to invite her friend on the day itself.

Time for new traditions, I think.

Stay strong and have DH and DC on side early.

...and if your mother complains, say that you and the children do not want to spend a family Christmas Day with someone who was so unpleasant to you. And that it's non-negotiable.

Sorry, I just reread and no Dh mentioned.

My dp and I don't currently live together but we probably will in the next year. We could do something together. We could maybe have gone out but I'm not sure if I'm going to be too uncomfortable by then.

Definitely don't go. Make arrangements to see them on the different day.

I would tell them why not as well

I wouldn't go and I'd tell my mother exactly why.

Regardless of the rest of the situation, I wouldn't be arranging to be anywhere for Christmas at 39 weeks pregnant. You could end up in labour, or already having had the baby, or just uncomfortable.

However, ignoring the pregnancy, I agree with everyone else - I wouldn't want to spend Christmas day with someone who I really didn't like / trust.

I wouldn’t go, it sounds too much. I would stay at home and I would tell them why.

Is your DP not planning on spending Christmas Day with you, his heavily pregnant partner? Why’s that?

Yanbu to want to avoid this woman. What’s the contingency plan if you are in labour?

Yes, we've discussed it and we could spend it together - I think that would be fine. Both of us already have adult/teen children from previous marriages so it's not as straightforward as if all our kids were still little.

It is possible I could have already had the baby I guess or could be in labour. Consultant has said I can't go over 40 weeks.

If it were just me I'd not worry but don't want to let the kids down.

You had a plan to go out for Xmas lunch which your mum didn't want to go ahead with... would this be a great time to reconsider that idea (just for you and DCs or invite whoever else you want) so you're not cooking for your DC at 39 weeks?

Absolutely no way would I go. It’s just one day. Have another nice day with your mum without the weight of expectation of cooking and awful people.

I wouldn't go. Spend it at home. Order a curry take away. My bil did this one year, I thought it was awesome.

Wow she sounds a delight! No, don’t go – do your own thing with your children. You will probably enjoy it much more. This is the sort of thing that my DM would do: hates confrontation so wouldn’t have it out with the friend regarding her having a go at me, and would pretend it never happened. She’s putting her friend’s needs/wants before yours ... The fact that this woman’s own child doesn’t want her around speaks volumes. Consider how heavily pregnant you will be at Christmas: Do you really need the added stress of facing Christmas with this woman? Of course not.

Another vote for don’t go and let your mum know why.

Don’t go. Your mother has put her friend above you.

She went off at you in your own home. There’s no way in hell I would be around her at all.

Plus her sickness bugs and her generally being unpleasant - I would stay right the hell away from her.

I agree with others. Your mother is prioritising this woman over you. Don’t go. Do what you want to do. If you want a traditional meal you could order food such as m&s ready made range to bung in the oven. I’ve never done this. But my friend did last year and said it was tasty. Personally I’d do this rather than pay for a meal out as Christmas Day can be moved if you are in labour and with teens, they can help with the cooking and clearing.

How old are the DC? Talk to them about it - with little ones you could sell it as special. With big ones just tell them the truth, that the baby will be nearly due and you can't stand this "friend" of the Grandparents (to be honest wouldn't they rather chill with their stuff than be "polite" to Grandparents and friend?

Have you talked to your mother about how you feel? My dad had the annoying habit of inviting a friend of his in Christmas who insisted the kids were sitting somewhere else so they could talk without interruptions, we the “kids” were over 25 year old. It just took a big moan saying we hated to be excluded in our own house and that was the end of it.

Obviously, your mother may not want to uninvite the woman but, you can show her you won’t be there if you are not going to enjoy it.

And no, you are not pushed out, you are electing not to be there. Don’t be a victim, it disempowers you.

Another one saying don’t go.
No way I would wreck my Christmas for anyone.

I wouldn't go regardless of who else was there if I was 39 weeks pregnant. Just spend the day at home with your kids and don't let anyone stress you out

@IdiotInDisguise that is awful. How can some people be so rude? Unfortunately my mum doesn't care about my feelings. I said we wouldn't be comfortable if she was there and she's invited her anyway. Apparently because at Christmas you're supposed to be inclusive. When I pointed out to her that she doesn't take this approach with her own brother (who is actually good company) she went off at me.

Stay home, put your feet up and have dp do the cooking this year

Your mum changed the plan without considering you. Now you can change it to suit you.