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Original poster

To not want to go to my parents for Xmas now?

54 replies

Moomin8 · 03/10/2019 00:00

Usually my dds and I go to my parents for Christmas. They invited us again this year after we briefly discussed going out for Xmas lunch then my mum decided she didn't want to. We live v nearby so we do half the cooking in my oven and half in hers so it all comes together. This year I'll be nearly 39 weeks pregnant and I'm already really uncomfortable now and have had quite a physically difficult pregnancy.

So my mum suddenly announced that she's invited a female friend of theirs for Christmas Day because she's got nowhere else to go. The reason for this is that the friend has upset her son and his wife so they don't invite her for Christmas any more. I don't like / trust this woman either because she's not very nice to me and she came round to my house some years ago and laid into me at a time when I was mentally unwell and under the care of the home treatment team. My children remember this happening and they therefore don't like / trust her either.

My parents never said anything to her about the above behaviour and she didn't apologise to me either. They just sort of brushed it all under the carpet. Another thing about this woman is that she's always ill and she regularly drops in on people and gives them whatever bug she's carrying including stomach bugs. She doesn't seem to think that illnesses are something people want to avoid and decided to go to China at the height of the Sars crisis.

My mum won't even invite her brother at Christmas time so I don't understand why she acts so beholden to this woman. But either way, I don't really want to be around her on Christmas Day for the above reasons but I feel annoyed that we should be pushed out just because she's upset her own family.

So if you were me would you decide not to go?

OP posts:
IdiotInDisguise · 03/10/2019 07:29

Then that’s it. It is Christmas and everyone can decide how to spend it, I’ll much rather do something special with my son than having Christmas ruined by inconsiderate relatives..

Actually, I should take my own advice and do this this year. There is no bloody way to please my mother or my boyfriend’s teen.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2019 07:29

Invite her brother if he’s good company and if he will help.

verytiredandstressed · 03/10/2019 07:31

I think you need to think about what you going to do .
You will be 39 weeks pregnant so you could go into labour . Where will dp be ? So you need to have a plan if you need to get to hospital. Tell your mum that will spend Christmas at home with dp and dc . If you are not spending the day with dp and you are ok with that , I understand families are complex with dc from previous relationships that's for you both to sort out . Be honest with mum say you understand you can't un invite this friend but you won't be going .

alittleprivacy · 03/10/2019 07:31

How old are your DD? Will they need care is you are in labour over Christmas? And will your parents be the ones looking after them? If so, you'll unfortunately have to bear this in mind. Under any other circumstances I'd say don't go to them, tell them why and plan your own Christmas. But I'd be wary of how awkward it would be to do that and then have to call them late on Christmas eve desperately needing childcare.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 03/10/2019 07:36

My other dc will be 16 and 10.

OP posts:
Toastymash · 03/10/2019 07:55

When I pointed out to her that she doesn't take this approach with her own brother (who is actually good company) she went off at me.

Call me petty but I would invite her brother to yours for Christmas. You can enjoy his company and be inclusive - just like your mum has advised.

Neolara · 03/10/2019 07:56

Maybe pop over for Xmas breakfast / brunch before horrible friend arrives? Then go home, put your feet up and have your dp and dcs cook you Xmas Dinner.

Unknownanon · 03/10/2019 08:04

Yep cancel for sure. Plan Christmas at home and let her drop in when said friend isn't there. Given friend had a real go at you, don't have her near you. Put yourself first. It seems like your mum has no trouble putting herself first and you last!

Get everything brought prepared so your family (you could take it easy) can just shove it all in the oven.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/10/2019 08:17

Nope, don't go and don't feel guilty. Your mum has unilaterally changed the plans and you're no longer comfortable with the guest list.

Go out with the DCs instead or your DP cooks and you spend the day in lovely (stretchy) Christmassy PJs.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 03/10/2019 08:18

Yes everything prepared from Cook or M&S or something is another good idea.

Damntheman · 03/10/2019 08:20

Definitely don't go! And tell your mum exactly why. You absolutely don't have to put up with shitty people, PARTICULARLY not when heavily pregnant or right after giving birth.

Put your feet up, have your partner take care of you - maybe invite your uncle to come and pitch in if you feel like it :) Have a lovely restful xmas.

Ohyesiam · 03/10/2019 08:23

Anyone who is 39 weeks pregnant has full permission to buy a Christmas dinner from M&S.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 03/10/2019 08:33

OP the night before Xmas day order a huge chinese banquet from the take away ..reheat for xmas day lunch and get your feet up at home with the kids.Bugger everyone and make this year about you and your needs.Your mum doesn't like it then tough she will cope with her friend.Its one day....

NotSorry · 03/10/2019 09:03

OP I Was 38 weeks pregnant with my last child at Christmas time - we all went to a restaurant for lunch and then everyone back to mine for tea - even that was exhausting and I had to go for a lie down - put yourself first

FizzyGreenWater · 03/10/2019 09:22

Wow, even without the nasty friend in the picture I wouldn't be spending Christmas day at 39 weeks pregnant running back and fro to the oven for the benefit of someone who, in your own words 'doesn't care about my feelings'.

Sod your mum. Maybe it will teach her to have a bit more respect for you, which would be useful with a baby on the way.

I'd say thanks but it's not going to work, enjoy your day. We'll see you Boxing Day. If it's easier, wait a couple of weeks then anounce that you're making NO plans on advice of hospital who have told you to be ready to go in from first thing Boxing Day, so you are not leaving the house.

Make some fun plans with your dp which don't involve anyone cooking anything or doing anything other than having fun. Maybe do a massive pan of roast potatoes and a few other things if you can be bothered and buy everything in and put your feet up.

Mother can learn the lesson that if you make plans with absolutely no thought for other people's feelings, don't be surprised if they cut you loose.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 03/10/2019 09:30

If I remember correctly you can literally just get stuff that you put in the oven from M&S can't you? So not much preparation. If it were just me I'd skip the whole thing this year 😂

As for my mum, I don't understand what her weird behaviour towards this woman is about. The woman was married to my dads best friend who really was a lovely person but he sadly died of cancer 18 years ago. My mum told me years ago she doesn't like this woman much and only put up with her because of the husband who they preferred. Maybe they are clinging to her because he's gone?

OP posts:
BlueChangeling · 03/10/2019 09:37

If you do go to your mum's you'll not be just spending the day with the horrible woman but you'll also been dealing with the 'dread' of it from now until Christmas. Its the first week in October and you're already stressing about it. Don't go, do your own thing with your DC, it could be the beginning of wonderful new traditions for your family.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 03/10/2019 09:58

It looks like M&S do easily prepared food so I'll just preorder that and stop stressing about it then I guess.

OP posts:
Davros · 03/10/2019 10:05

Get your order in quick. Don't look back, don't think twice.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 03/10/2019 10:18

@Davros Haven't 'seen' you for years. Hope you and family are ok? I've been here under various name changes since my dd was diagnosed with autism & you gave me advice.

OP posts:
Davros · 03/10/2019 10:39

I hope it was good advice Blush! As you can see, I'm a creature of habit and have the same user name when I joined 16+ years ago!! My DS with ASD is 24 now, how about you, give me a clue on previous name. X

Original poster
Moomin8 · 03/10/2019 10:54

It was very good advice :) my daughter was the one who started with UKYAP's intensive programme at 3 (recommended to me by you) I can't remember what my user name was in those days sorry! Wow, your son is 24? I hope he's well. My daughter is nearly 18 in a really good residential placement.

OP posts:
AMAM8916 · 03/10/2019 12:00

Your mum's loyalties are all wrong. My mum wouldn't dream of doing that and in fact, dislikes anyone that ever upsets me or my sisters!

You don't need this crap. You also shouldn't be cooking half of a massive Christmas dinner at 39 weeks pregnant either so your mum cancelling going out was yet again not in your best interests.

Sod her. Do as you said and get an M&S Christmas dinner that will be easy and get your 16 and 11 year olds to help out and your partner if he will be around as well

Davros · 03/10/2019 18:30

moomin I'm so pleased to hear things are good your end. DS has been at Prior's Court for a good few years which has been amazing. He has to move on in just under two years so I will be on the panicky treadmill again. Thanks

justasking111 · 03/10/2019 18:40

Stay home, tell mum she can pop in when it is convenient, put your feet up and relax.

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